Audio --> Video

[buildsfriends]

I AM ON THE RADIO

Deet deet deet, boop boop beep boop. But-tons but-tons...

[The video comes on but it's just a shot of the top half of his helmet and the sky above because he's holding his comm like a walkie-talkie.

He puts on a 'authoritative' voice.] Hello. Yes. This is Captain General Fourth Class Caboose. I need you to deliver to me at least fourteen new friends, stat. ASAP, and...BYOB. NASDAQ. Over and out and in, amen.








[...the video continues with just a shot of his armored foot on a grubby sidewalk and his voice further off.]

OH MY GOD FRECKLES LOOK! An outside party!

[A grating mechanical voice answers:] Hostiles detected.

Comments

[worstever]

No, Caboose. I'm fine.

[They can talk about that later. It could be meaningful, or, you know, it's Caboose, maybe back home Wash was just away for longer than five minutes and Caboose got worried.]

Freckles? I need you to -- Caboose, does he know down? Freckles, DOWN.

[buildsfriends]

Hostile forces inbound.

EVERYBODY HERE HAS A GUN

[worstever]

[Oh jesus christ. Maybe he should let Freckles stay armed.]

Caboose, can you tell me what your new friends at the party are doing?

[buildsfriends]

WE ARE MAKING PAINTINGS ON A WALL

I AM DOING ARTS AND CRAFTS

[shkashkashka- kkssshhht yup that's a spray paint noise]

[worstever]

Just...

Keep doing that, alright?

[At this point, Caboose getting arrested for defacing property might be the safest option for everyone involved. Even if Wash'll have to bail him out. Because of course he will.]

And whatever you do, stay. Put.

[buildsfriends]

Okay but once I'm done I need to go get some juice at the store for my new house. [he's so responsible]

[worstever]

If you tell me where your house is, I can bring you juice.

[Bribery!]

[buildsfriends]

My house is between two other houses and there is a street nearby.......some weird cars...

[worstever]

[Fuck it. Trying to pinpoint him is hopeless. He's throwing his roommates to the dogs.]

If I tell you where Church is, do you think you could try to look for it?

[There's no way Caboose can figure out how to get there on his own, but maybe it'll walk him into a landmark.]

[buildsfriends]

I WILL ALWAYS LOOK FOR CHURCH

I WILL USE MY BEST FRIEND SENSE AND FOLLOW THE SOUND OF HIS LOVE FOR ME

[worstever]

[A little later after they've at least got a bead on Maurtia Falls.]

Okay, forget about all of that, alright? I'm coming to find you. [Enunciating, as though it'll somehow help it get through:] I just need to know where you are.

[buildsfriends]

I went back to my house to put my juice away. Wash I need to go to work soon, I don't have too much time to play with you. [W OW]

>perma-action;

[worstever]

[Ouch, Caboose.

Well, at the very least, that gives him a better idea of where he is -- there's only so many government houses. Wash hates being reduced to knocking on doors, but it's all he's got.]

[buildsfriends]

[And maybe he won't be expecting it after that earlier brush off, but as soon as the door swings open and Caboose sees Wash standing there, he's wrapping his arms all the way around the guy and lifting him clear off the ground in an enthusiastic hug.] AGENT WASHINGTON! YOU REALLY ARE OKAY!!

[He hadn't meant what he said earlier about not playing with you, man. He'd just wanted to feel important for a second, but that second is long gone in the face of seeing his friend okay and NOT killed by Locus.]

[worstever]

OOF --

[Look, Caboose is massive and far, far too strong for his or anyone else's good. Wash is dying. He may already be dead. He is going to need to lay down and not move for a week or two.

Strained, he pats Caboose's shoulder and manages:]

Yes, Caboose. I'm okay. You can let me down now.

[buildsfriends]

You need some juice just in case! Come inside my new house! [And Caboose is just gonna turn and carry Wash inside just like that. Better duck your head before it smacks on the door jamb, bro.]

[worstever]

[Oh my god. This isn't happening. Wash wheezes into him, barely avoiding the doorframe. It's a miracle Caboose can fit in it, honestly.]

Thank you. I'm definitely inside the house now.

[buildsfriends]

[Be thankful your Freelancer pals didn't see that.

Once Wash is in the kitchen Caboose just drops him and heads over to the fridge. Inside are twenty-five cartons of orange juice. Did he spend every penny he was given upon arrival on orange juice? OF COURSE NOT. The rest was on cookies and crayons.

He just gives Wash an entire carton of juice and opens one of his own. He doesn't remove his helmet. He's going to drink it just like that.]

YEAH. This house is pretty great. I got it myself. [they gave it to you] I mean, it's not a base...there's no guns or anything...so Freckles is kinda lonely but that's okay because it's better than the last base I was alone in by myself because I already have Freckles and then I'm gonna go get Church and he can come live with me, or I can live with him but then I'll have to bring all my cookies and orange juice.

[worstever]

[If he doesn't drink the proffered orange juice, is Caboose going to get offended?? Wash sets it aside for now. He deeply hopes Caboose has mastered the art of drinking through his helmet (as Wash had, once upon a time) and that he isn't just going to get juice all over himself.]

That's fine. We'll help you bring your cookies and orange juice. [That's a lot of juice, buddy.] We don't want... Freckles to have to be lonely.

["We", he says, as though Alpha hadn't just suggested he leave Caboose to die.]

[buildsfriends]

[No no, Church does that all the time, it's their thing.] Are we going to Blue Base? AND CHURCH IS THERE? [Caboose bounces on the balls of his feet. SUPER EXCITED TO LIVE WITH CHURCH AGAIN]

[worstever]

Yes, Church is there. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you.

[Okay, now THAT one was 100% lie. But Caboose is really excited about this. He doesn't have the heart to tell him otherwise.

He better get... something of a bead on Caboose's understanding of the situation, too. Before he carts him back and sics him on Church.]

What did they tell you when you were brought here? The other soldiers. It's important.

[buildsfriends]

[release the hounds, wash
release them unto church he deserves it]

They said 'you are here now' and I said 'yes hello' and then they said 'here are your files' and I said 'no thank you' because you said I can't do my own papers anymore and then they said 'here is your perfect cutest dog' and I said 'OH MY GOD FRECKLES' and then I got in a car and then out of a car and then into a car and then into a building and then out of a building and then I came here! And then I went to the store and then I was on the radio and you were on the radio!

And then I picked you up because you aren't nearly as fat as Grif. You are fatter than Tucker though.

[worstever]

Wow. Good to know.

[Does he mean that infodump, or that he's somewhere in-between Grif and Tucker's level of fatness? Who can say.]

Well, the faster we get you home, the faster you can pick up Church, instead.

[He's REALLY dangling that bait. He doesn't even realize until after he's said it that Caboose hasn't seen Church in the flesh -- well, the circuits -- in a very long time. This may be a dangerous proposal.]

[buildsfriends]

[Caboose gives Wash a look like 'you silly' because he's not going to pick up Church. Come on.

But he does head over to his fridge to pull it open and start removing juice cartons.] I am going to have to make a lot of trips.