maskormenace | Audio --> Video

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Audio --> Video

I AM ON THE RADIO

Deet deet deet, boop boop beep boop. But-tons but-tons...

[The video comes on but it's just a shot of the top half of his helmet and the sky above because he's holding his comm like a walkie-talkie.

He puts on a 'authoritative' voice.] Hello. Yes. This is Captain General Fourth Class Caboose. I need you to deliver to me at least fourteen new friends, stat. ASAP, and...BYOB. NASDAQ. Over and out and in, amen.

[...the video continues with just a shot of his armored foot on a grubby sidewalk and his voice further off.]

OH MY GOD FRECKLES LOOK! An outside party!

[A grating mechanical voice answers:] Hostiles detected.

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BYYOOG! [Just- said straight across.]

Yeah that sounds pretty good. UGH WHY CAN'T RED SERGEANT BE HERE? He knows so many of these things, he even makes them up.

FRECKLES! Do you know some cool important-sounding stuff?

Yes, Captain Caboose.
F2T2EA - find, fix, track, target, engage, and assess
GATB - guidance, apportionment, and targeting board
OAS - offensive air support
OCR - Office of Collateral Responsibility

Freckles, wow! You are so smart! Who's a good boy, who is a good boy who knows lots of tricks?!

Edited 2015-09-10 05:03 (UTC)

Is-- do you have a robot puppy?!

[Because with a voice like that it's probably not a real puppy, but what else could the name Freckles be attached to??]

YES!! [holy shit finally someone can recognize freckles for what he truly is!] I'm friends with a LOT of computer people and Freckles is one of the BEST. He loves going on WALKS and he loves being picked up and cuddled and he is SO CUTE IN TINY HATS!

How many tiny hats does he have? [This is the most important information possible. Mabel is so excited.] Can I meet him!?

YES YOU CAN MEET HIM FRECKLES LOVES NEW PEOPLE AND SO DO I

[for all those at home watching, freckles does not give a fuck about new people]

His hats are back at the other place so I can't show them to you BUT!!! I just bought. SO MUCH orange juice. And you can have some if you want.

Okay!

[There is nothing strange about this guy from the blue team offering her orange juice. He has a puppy! There's no way this could be unsafe!]

My name's Mabel, by the way! And you're Caboose right?

[nothing strange just a gigantic space marine with a dog in a gun] Yes and he is Freckles. And we are outside the grocery store because he needs some fresh air. I will be the bluest guy.

I'll be the one wearing the sweater with bears on it!

[And dragging many small pigs.]

[NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THAT EITHER

It takes some careful finagling, but eventually Caboose spots a small person in a bear sweater wit livestock trotting after her hopefully around the same time that small person catches sight of an enormous blue space marine toting a non-standard issue assault rifle.

Caboose yells her name just in case she can't see him.] MAYBELLINE! [an approximation of her name, sorry]

[An approximation she's probably heard before. Whatever, it's endearing!]

CABOOSE!

[She runs over, waving, pigs oinking in an orderly line behind her. The assault rifle doesn't bother her at all-- it's not a ladder, at least. She does look around for the robot puppy, though.]

I'm glad I found you! ...where's Freckles?

What? Right here. [Lifts his assault rifle a little.] This is Freckles. Freckles, say hello.

[The gun makes a grating whirring sound.]

Enemy infantry detected.

OH MY GOD you're right! Look at those! You have so many naked dogs behind- wh, Freckles no. Those are piggies.

[It's at this point that Mabel realizes that perhaps Caboose is in deep denial about his robot puppy actually being a gun. This is okay! She's not here to judge.

She is a little bit concerned about the enemy infantry thing. And that the whirring sound is happening.]

And they're not enemies either! These are the Waddles Juniors. They're my superpower and best friends.

[mabel you have to expand your understanding of what a dog actually is
i mean
what IS dog]

You have so many best friends! [Caboose crouches down all the way to look at the little things; luckily he's got Freckles clutched pretty tight so he can't try grabbing any of them.] Do they all have cute names? Cute names are probably the most important thing for dogs and stuff.

[Get Will Graham on the phone.]

Technically they all have the same name which is Waddles Junior! [As long as Freckles isn't shooting then the piggies are happy to see Caboose and will trot up to say hello. So many happy oinks.] But I call my favorite one Dipper Dos.

[oh shit
oh shit so many cute pet things are around his ankles

Freckles gently emits some confetti and a party horn noise because Caboose squeezed the trigger accidentally (he does that sometimes. a lot of sometimes) as he stares down at the pigs milling about, snorting and being FUCKING ADORABLE. His brain is going into overload.]

I-

Can I give them nicknames?

[Mabel makes an appreciative ooh-ing noise at the confetti. Freckles is a-ok in her book! Because what a good trick.]

--let me ask! [Time to have a brief conference with the pigs. There's some serious snuffling going on, a snort or two, before Mabel stands and nods.]

They say it's just fine! Freckles is a great name, so you've obviously got skills.

Edited 2015-09-11 07:06 (UTC)

Oh boy oh boy, [Caboose whispers to himself excitedly. He gets to name...ALL THESE PIGS. Just when he thought his day couldn't possibly get any better.]

Okay that one is Curly... That one is definitely a Whiskers. That one is Fiddlesticks. Annnd that one is Glitterbomb. [Caboose looks over at Mabel, at eye level with her when crouched, and generously hands her one of his cartoons of orange juice from his grocery bag. She let him name her best friends, she's PRETTY awesome.] Here! It's flu season.

Thank you. [She takes the juice solemnly, taking mental notes on which Waddles Junior gets which nickname. The pigs themselves sit quietly until he's done. The, and only the, do they start oinking happily.]

Caboose-- all of those names are perfect. You're a genius!

Well I will humbly agree with that, thank you. [Pleased as punch over here.] You're a genius too. Having so many awesome best friends. You could probably make six thousand calendars just putting clothes on these little guys.

Whoa, you think? [Caboose truly is the genius this world deserves.] I bet I could! A whole bunch of seasonally appropriate outfits and props and stuff.... like a pig a day!

[Caboose lets go of Freckles just enough so that Glitterbomb and Curly can snuffle at his fingers.] I wish Donut was here. He LOVES clothes. He'd definitely help and then you could make a million dollars. You could buy so many cookies with that. [He has discovered the wonders of just BUYING the food you want instead of eating MREs and having your meals rationed for years and years. Ahhh CAPITALISM. You are just plain delicious.]

I wouldn't buy cookies, probably. [She's still got some minor cookie-related trauma.] I'd buy my giant hamster ball!

That sounds fake, but okay. [Pretty sure the correct choice here is 'buy one trillion cookies' but nobody's perfect. He'll allow her this transgression.] Okay, I gotta take my juice home and go find Agent Washington before he gets lost. Do you wanna come with me or-

[WAIT] OH YEAH your brother said you have to go home now.

--he did? Ohhh. Ohhh no I didn't tell him where I was and the final episode of Swan Sleuth is on tonight! [And if they don't watch it live their lives will be over.]

Okay well bye Caboose! We'll hang out sometime! --and bye Freckles! [Saying goodbye to the gun is weird but she's seen a time baby so, really, this is fine.]

Bye Mabel! Bye Curly, bye Whiskers, bye Fiddlesticks, bye Dipper 2.0, bye Glitterbomb!

[Freckles whirs contemplatively.] FoF identification added to onboard database.

Oh! [Caboose glances down at his gun before lifting him up happily.] GOOD BOY FRECKLES! MAKING FRIENDS IS THE BEST! [Caboose slaps Freckles onto the magstrip on his back and gathers up all his orange juice.] Okay BYE AGAIN MABEL! Look both ways before you cross the street! [he feels some responsibility here since mabel is clearly fresh out of infanthood (which is good because if she was still a baby this wouldn't have gone nearly as well).

And he heads off to his house with his cartons of orange juice, humming a song loudly enough to be heard down the street.]

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