maskormenace | Transmission 002

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ ...why is this hideous display reminding her so much of certain raider captains? ]

So. All I'm hearing is "Hawke, please come burn this book for us, we can only be redeemed by fire". Is that about right?

[ She clears her throat very audibly. Just for you, baby. ]

"He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent"--hey, no, Hawke. Haven't you burned enough of my stuff?

Hey, you can't leave the sentence hanging. It's hot pearlescent sperms. Not just one sperm, but multiple.

[Joker's a helper.]

[ The most awful helper. ]

...now that's just bad writing all around.

It's so bad it comes full circle back into good.

[Is it serious, or is it just an amazing parody? No one really knows.]

You know, idea of good may be suspect... Where did you even find this thing?

[ Some mad smut writer pelting the passerby with copies of it or what? ]

Internet.

[Where else?]

Ah, so this is what Kaidan was trying to warning me about on the internet.

[ But considering the amount of hilarious shit she's googled, she is seriously in no position to judge. ]

The Internet is a dark and scary place. Remember this one immutable rule and you'll survive:

If it exists, there is porn of it.

Oh, please. That rule exists even without the internet.

Yeah, but it's way easier to come across it when you don't mean to on the internet.

Mostly due to the image search, I'll bet.

That would be part of it. You should probably leave safesearch on, just a suggestion.

But then how would I learn all the strange and terrible things there is to know about this world? Things I never actually wanted to know, but still.

voice;

boneitis - 2015-09-27 17:35 (UTC) - Expand

whathawksdo - 2015-09-29 22:48 (UTC) - Expand

Kasumi. [ No, don't read more of it! ] Clearly not, if that survived all the attempts thus far.

Don't be such a party pooper, Hawke! Also...

[ And then she turns on the video, which merely shows a close-up of the book's cover. ]

Doesn't the guy on the cover look like Cullen? Yeah?

Edited 2015-09-22 03:52 (UTC)

[ Okay, thaaaat gets a lengthy silence.

Just.

Kasumi, no. Well. The hair color is right? A little? And if she squints-- wait, no, no she is not thinking about this. ]

I am still not sure what version of Cullen you met, but that man on the cover? Is definitely not our unfortunate Knight-Captain.

[ Okay, well... she just keeps holding the book up. Keep staring at not Cullen, Hawke. Though Kasumi does turn the cover for a second...

Yeah, she's pretty sure she's seen Cullen looking that exact same way. In her dreams, possibly. ♥ ]

I dunno. Looks pretty spot on to me.

Considering I really don't want to imagine him doing any of those things--

[ Of course, just saying one doesn't want to imagine something typically does cause one to imagine that exact something. It's awful, truly, and she's immediately torn between making a disgusted noise or laughter.

Laughter, naturally, wins out. ]

Oh Maker, no, he would curl up in terror at the sight of Hilda, I'm sure. It would be terrible!

--Actually, you know, he would. He curled up in terror at the sight of me, and I wasn't even showing off my spongy love mountains or anything!

I'm sure he would have run himself off a cliff in the face of your spongy love mountains...

[ Okay, okay, she can't help but be vaguely amused by this now. ]

What in the world did you do to him?

I didn't do anything.

[ The sad, sad truth. ]

I just made some career suggestions. He didn't want to be a spandex model, so I offered a few alternatives.

Spandex model... [ What. ] And those alternatives were?

Jeans model, underwear model...

I would have suggested jail warden.

stealwithit - 2015-09-24 03:13 (UTC) - Expand

whathawksdo - 2015-09-24 04:12 (UTC) - Expand

stealwithit - 2015-09-25 02:08 (UTC) - Expand

whathawksdo - 2015-09-27 03:36 (UTC) - Expand

Transmission 002 | Video

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now it's VIDEO too bad

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