Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

action...obvs

[stealwithit]

[ Dick Parkinson's.

Dick Parkinson's.

Needless to say, Kasumi barely keeps it together, herself, only managing to mutter this: ]

Help.

[boneitis]

[He can't even answer, he's laughing too hard. He's laughing hard enough that he's actually kind of worried about the structural integrity of his ribs, since it is actually possible to fracture one by laughing too hard. He's done it before and it's not fun.]

[But dick Parkinson's. If there was ever a reason to fracture a rib from laughter, it's the phrase dick Parkinson's.]

[He actually ends up rolling off of the couch he's lounging on, but manages to keep the glass of wine upright. He might be breaking himself from laughing, but he has his priorities straight.]

[Wheezing,] Kasumi I'm dying.

v...oice;

[whathawksdo]

[ ...why is this hideous display reminding her so much of certain raider captains? ]

So. All I'm hearing is "Hawke, please come burn this book for us, we can only be redeemed by fire". Is that about right?

voice;

[stealwithit]

[ She clears her throat very audibly. Just for you, baby. ]

"He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent"--hey, no, Hawke. Haven't you burned enough of my stuff?

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[prostheticbody]

[The Major is trying to feign being stern, but she can't hide being at least a little amused.]

There are children that read this network, you know.

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[stealwithit]

[ She sees you, Major. She knows. ]

Eh, let Joker handle 'em. He's always been good with kids.

[ said literally no one ever. ]

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[boneitis]

And they had to learn about trashy smut someday. It's an education.

[Don't listen to Kasumi, no one should let their kids near Joker.]

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[glowsferatu]

Oh, I've been reading books like these as long as I've been reading! I think this is hardly the most scandalous thing they're likely to encounter.

voice

[kanadian]

I think I'm going to be sick.

[ A pause. ]

We haven't even been gone that long, and you're reading this junk on the network?

[ Hella judge ]

voice

[boneitis]

[In the most serious tone of voice he's physically capable of,]

'As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.'

[STOP BEING THE FUN POLICE, KAIDAN.]

voice

[stealwithit]

[ Cue Kasumi snickering in the background of Joker's continued dramatic reading.

WHY ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO FUN, KAIDAN? ]

video;

[defensebonds]

[ Is it possible to have PTSD over a book? Because he's having flashbacks to Kasumi texting him excerpts from that one book with the Weird Sex Stuff and it's no less traumatic. ]

This isn't by the same person that wrote that grey something book, is it?

video;

[boneitis]

What, Fifty Shades of What the Fuck? No, that's somebody else who's honestly a way shittier writer.

[Because... Joker's now a literature critic? And reads trashy smut?]

This has, like, actual thought put into its execution. You have to really try to come up with something like dick Parkinson's.

video;

[stealwithit]

[ Have you ever seen her laugh this much, Steve? Probably not! ENJOY IT. Although she does manage to compose herself briefly, if only to say: ]

--No, it's not. There are so many talented people out there--

[ And then she remembers dick Parkinson's, so she just bows her head starts laughing again, quietly this time. ]

[VIDEO]

[calibrating]

...Why the hell did we let you become a Council race again?

[VIDEO]

[boneitis]

Mostly because we're awesome.

video.

[glowsferatu]

Oh. I've read that one before. [ She says it gently, with the sympathy of a war veteran. ] Frankly, if this book has taught me anything, I should be glad to never have any business with the assorted male rigidity.

[ She smiles, baring her fangs. ] It sounds like a dreadfully fragile condition.

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[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi responds with a similarly wicked, albeit fangless smile. ] But... Those granite abs, though? I could never resist.

[rideme]

[And cue loud, obnoxious Qunari laughter.]

Shit! Oh... shit.

I haven't heard crap like that since... ever.

[stealwithit]

[ Loud obnoxious Qunari laughter is the best kind of laughter! ]

Right? Right? This is the best.

By the way, "spongy love mountains" reminded me of you.

voice;

[sassguard]

I think I'll take getting shot at over having to listen to this.

[ Though he's already literally been shot at... ]

You're not making Mako and Boo listening to this, are you?

[ Because yeah, he foisted the hamster on you too. ]

voice;

[boneitis]

Based on personal experience, I think you're full of shit.

[Being shot sucks, okay.]

Boo's more interested in the hamster wheel and Mako is a dog. Don't turn into a dog parent, Shepard, you still have so much left to live for.

[voice]

[justanotherlink]

[Pacifica is way too embarrassed for video, but she manages voice. Because...seriously?]

First thing? Ew.

Second, why are you reading that to people?

[voice]

[boneitis]

Uh, because it's hilarious?

[Okay, so maybe he should've slapped an age warning on at the beginning, but oh well. Lessons learned and whatnot.]

Also, how old are you? I'm getting preteen vibes and I'm not sure if I really feel like doing this whole after-school special thing.

video

[melavasomniar]

I think that is the most incredible piece of literature I've ever had bestowed upon my ears. Yet somehow, simultaneously, also the worst. I love it.

[If only Cassandra were here........]

video

[boneitis]

I know, right?

[How did other people not realize that the true genius of this novel lies in its ability to be so artfully horrible? It's like anti-literature, the opposite of fine art.]

You're welcome. Your horizons have been broadened, your life is enriched, yada yada.

[wasnever]

I barely understood any of that, and it's still funny.

Kinda freaky, though. Man on the cover looks too familiar. Kasumi, did you pick it out?

[She thinks it looks like Cullen.]

[stealwithit]

[ wow. Kasumi splays a hand across her chest, in mock offense. ]

Are you accusing me?

But, no. Joker picked it out for me. The guy looks like Cullen, doesn't he? Hawke refuses to agree with me.

[airshow]

This is... this is life changing. I mean, seriously, I'm thinking about giving up on my current career path and becoming a sexy novelist. Bring fulfilling fulfillment to the masses.

[stealwithit]

I'm considering moonlighting as a professional smut writer, myself. The key is metaphors. Lots of metaphors, everywhere.

Text

[runningstart]

oh my god

oh my god has this author written more
wheres my amazon password im going shopping

Text

[boneitis]

YES there's like a whole series on terrible time traveling Viking navy SEALs

it's pretty amazing ngl

youre welcome

video;

[daimeinashi]

...Spongy...love mountains?

[itt baby assassin's first porn]

video;

[stealwithit]

[ with zero hesitation: ]

Meaning Hilda's breasts, yeah.

text

[failureisntachoice]

That's one way to spend your free time.

Where did you even find that? More importantly, why did you go looking for that?

text

[stealwithit]

It was Joker's birthday present to yours truly. The best one, even.