Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

[boneitis]

[He can't even answer, he's laughing too hard. He's laughing hard enough that he's actually kind of worried about the structural integrity of his ribs, since it is actually possible to fracture one by laughing too hard. He's done it before and it's not fun.]

[But dick Parkinson's. If there was ever a reason to fracture a rib from laughter, it's the phrase dick Parkinson's.]

[He actually ends up rolling off of the couch he's lounging on, but manages to keep the glass of wine upright. He might be breaking himself from laughing, but he has his priorities straight.]

[Wheezing,] Kasumi I'm dying.

[stealwithit]

[ In between wheezing, ] Don't say that-- [ And then more laughing here. Because you know, it's entirely plausible for Joker to actually die from this, if the structural integrity of ribs, possibly the entirety of his rib cage, is in question! ]

Oh, god-- [ That's when Kasumi bites down on her lip, like it'll help her from laughing too much. She's got a cool reputation to keep up, alright?

But no, that's not really working. ]

[boneitis]

[There's a lot of wheezing coming from this end of the couch. He can't help it, it's been a really long time since he's laughed that hard at something.]

Oh, fuck me, I-- [He's interrupted by his own giggling fit.] Shit I think I sprained my chest. Ow, oh my god, worth it.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi's own giggling slows a little, finally, and she even has to reach up with a hand to wipe a tear from her shrouded eyes. What great laughs. Totally worth it, even though she didn't have to sprain anything. ]

As fun as that would be, Joker, I'd literally break you.

[boneitis]

[He sits up slowly, still making sure that his glass is upright at all times. He will never make the party foul that is spilling alcohol.]

That's funny. Completely false, but funny.

[stealwithit]

Yeah, yeah.

Honestly, though? No matter how hard anyone ever tries, no one will ever compare to Torolf. What a guy!

[boneitis]

How can anybody compete with those granite abs?

[He turns the book towards her so the cover's facing her.]

Look at that sultry gaze, that chiseled jawline.

[He turns it back to himself and gives the dude on the cover an appraising look and, after a few moments, sort of shrugs like 'eh, yeah, why not'.]

I mean, if you don't mind the spontaneous bouts of dick aneurysms. I feel like that's something you go to a doctor for?

[stealwithit]

[ She holds up a hand. ]

Yeah, hard pass on the dick aneurysms. But definitely sign me up for the granite abs.

[boneitis]

Yeah, granite abs are nice. Not really big on blondes, though.

[Dick aneurysms are definitely a no.]

[stealwithit]

No blondes? Wait, what is your type, Joker? I've got to know.

[ For science. ]

[boneitis]

I hate to break it to you, Kasumi, but I don't think of you that way. Let's just be friends.

[stealwithit]

... Did you--

No, Joker. I'm asking so I can set you up with someone at some point.

[boneitis]

[Joker's eyebrows are steadily rising towards his hairline.]

And that's only slightly terrifying.

[stealwithit]

What? Why? I'm going to find you a Torolf, Joker. Just you wait.

[boneitis]

I thought we already decided that dick aneurysms were a dealbreaker?

[stealwithit]

Okay, Torolf-lite, then. All the undulating granite abs and hurling to and fro but without the dick Parkinson's.

[ she raises her glass. cheers, bro. ]

[boneitis]

I could take or leave the hurling part, but I think I could really get behind the rest.

[Literally.]

[Cheers. To the parts of the Normandy crew that aren't getting laid on a regular basis.]

[stealwithit]

[ Wow, Joker, rude? You don't know Kasumi's life. She could be getting so laid...

... but no, you're right. ]

So could I, my friend. So could I. Don't worry--literally everyone around here is attractive. Like, I think it's a rule the Porter has? I'm pretty sure it's a rule.

[boneitis]

It's a good rule.

Was that part of the criteria for picking Shepard's squad, too? Because, not gonna lie, it was kind of like flying around the galaxy's most dangerous group of underwear models.

[stealwithit]

Absolutely. I mean, I'm not that into aliens, but I'm pretty sure Garrus and Wrex would count as total catches too?

[ Which gives her an idea... ]

We've got to rank them, Joker.

[boneitis]

Can't really comment on krogan, but from what I know about turian beauty standards, yeah, Garrus is like. I dunno, the George Clooney of birdmen.

[Rating the crew based on attractiveness is a terrible idea, which is exactly why they're going to do it.]

So are we ranking just the guys, or are we putting everybody in the running?

[stealwithit]

I mean--you could argue Wrex has got it based on his ranking alone, right? And with Garrus... Yeah, I guess I can kind of see that.

[ Cue a giant swig of wine. Clearly they were going to need more of it if they're going to feasibly rank a collection of the galaxy's hottest hotties. ]

Everyone. We've gotta be fair here, my friend. All I ask is that we leave Grunt out, seeing as he's like, three years old.

[boneitis]

Agreed.

[Grunt is Shepard's tankbaby, it would be too weird.]

Also, it'd be kinda biased if we kept ourselves in there. And I'd clearly take the top spot anyway.

[At least he knows how full of shit he is.]

[stealwithit]

And that's only because you haven't seen what I look like under this thing. But yeah, let's keep ourselves out.

[ spoiler alert: she's totes hot. but ~the world may never know~ (except, you know, for the few people who do know) ]

Where do we even begin?

[boneitis]

We do it like a bracket. Take all the guys and all the women, pit 'em against each other until we have the hottest of each category, and then decide between those two for who takes the heavyweight championship.

[He hauls himself up off of the floor, using the couch as leverage.]

I think I've got a white board somewhere.