Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

[stealwithit]

[ She nods approvingly, and then shifts her gaze up to the first set of brackets on the other side. ]

Tali versus Samara? I don't know, Joker, it feels wrong no matter who we advance.

[Because Tali's got that little sister vibe going on, and Samara is... well, Samara. It's like she should be above this all. ]

... I think I have to go with Samara, though.

[boneitis]

[No one is above this. Not even blue super space mom monk.]

[He shakes his head at Kasumi's vote, though. Not agreeing with you here, Goto.]

Samara's good-looking and all, and she's got that weird mystical thing going for her, but sorry, it's Tali all the way.

[They might need a tie-breaker vote.]

[stealwithit]

[ She tilts her head. ]

Really? I mean, I could definitely hang out with Tali and have more of a blast, but that "weird mystical thing" is what makes Samara so alluring. That's my two cents.

[boneitis]

C'mon, Tali's cute and smart and likes ships. Samara's like a knight templar mom with a plunging neckline, I never know where I'm supposed to look.

[Not at the gravity-defying cleavage? Would she have to kill him because of the Code if he did? There are many questions.]

We need a tiebreaker vote?

[stealwithit]

Well, yeah, but... Wouldn't you think of her more like a little sister?

Or is that just me?

[ She shakes her head ruefully. ] Who should we call in for this?

[boneitis]

Spoken like somebody who doesn't actually have a little sister.

[Joker has one of those, and Tali is totally not like that. He loves his kid sister, but she's been a pain in his ass in so many different, creative ways since she was born.]

[But, hey, maybe he's the only one who doesn't look at Tali and think 'little sister'.]

Shepard, maybe? He doesn't have a horse in the women's bracket.

slams back into this

[stealwithit]

Fair enough. Shall I give him a call, then?

If you really think about it, Samara should be a disqualification since she's a warrior monk and all, although that clearly didn't stop Zaeed at that party. Still, I'm sticking to my vote. She's so beautiful.

[boneitis]

Unless her code thing says she's not allowed to be in any sexy brackets, it doesn't really matter.

[Which would be a very specific restriction for the Code to have, and if it does, well. Good foresight?]

Yeah, call him up. We need a tiebreaker and it might as well be him, he sticks his nose into everyone's business as it is.

[stealwithit]

Ha. Truer words have no been spoken of the great Commander Shepard, he who sticks his nose into everyone's business, sometimes without even meaning to. And you know, I know he and Kaidan are away on an important mission in Finland for the government or whatever, but.

[ In any case, she'll pull out her communicator, and calls Shepard's number. It may or may not be like, the first contact on her favorites list shut up ]

Hey, Shep? Kasumi here. Just got a quick, important question for you...

[sassguard]

Kasumi?

[ Okay, so Shepard lost track of what they were up to once it was established that they were, you know, reading novels and not at all doing anything that would merit Shepard's immediate attention. But he still manages to sound appropriately concerned and earnest at the tone of her voice and the question. If someone needs home for something, it's never very difficult to snap back into Commander Shepard mode, and being in what's technically an international incident isn't an exception. ]

What is it? Did something happen?

[stealwithit]

[ Her voice carries a level of gravitas that is completely unwarranted for the situation, and for the question she's about to ask. ]

Who do you find more attractive, Samara, or Tali?

[sassguard]

... you called me just to me ask me that?

[stealwithit]

... Yes?

[sassguard]

[ Pinching nose... ]

Why?

[stealwithit]

We're ranking everyone on the crew by how attractive they are. Excluding myself and Joker, since we all know we'd top the ranks.

[sassguard]

Wait, does that mean you're ranking me?

[ Immediately: ]

Don't answer that.

[stealwithit]

[ Oh, so innocuously: ] Yes?

So who will it be? Tali or Samara?

[sassguard]

You can't say that and not tell me what it is!

[ Pause. ]

Samara, I guess. I don't have to qualify that answer, do I?

[stealwithit]

Not unless you want to. But just so you know, I picked Samara, too.

And you'll find out where you fall in due time. We're only just starting... [ if Kasumi was one for evil, maniacal laughter, this is where that would go. ]

Anyway, sorry to bother you with this in the middle of your mission, Shep. But as you can see, this is really important.

[sassguard]

[ He's totally silently filling in the maniacal laughter, thanks Kasumi... ]

Right. Uh, so that was all you needed me for, right? I ... should go.

[stealwithit]

[ Ah, there's the old catchphrase. ]

Yep, that's it. Thanks, Shep! Now go enjoy whatever it is couples do on high-tension missions in another country.

[ After she hangs up on the call, she turns promptly to Joker with a grin on her face. ]

Hear that, Joker? Our illustrious Commander chose Samara.

[boneitis]

[Wow, Shepard. Why do you betray him like this? What has he ever done to you to deserve such a thing?]

[But nah, he doesn't care that much. Tiebreaker has been counted, Samara wins by virtue of Shepard liking MILFs or something. So it shall be.]

Okay. Hey, there's no accounting for taste, I guess.

[Blue MILF advances.]

[stealwithit]

Apparently not. Although I have to say, your vouching for Tali is a little cute.

[ insert eyebrow waggling here, although it obviously goes unseen. It's practically audible in the way she says it, though. ]

Who's next?

[boneitis]

[And he'll take Things He Isn't Going To Talk About With Kasumi Fucking Goto for 1000, Trebek. Especially not when she's got that look on her face, because he knows that she's a gossiper and anything he says would be spread around the crew before morning.]

And we're just gonna be moving right along here.

[No additional Tali discussions for you.]

Miranda and Jack. So, which flavor of crazy bitch do you like best?

[stealwithit]

[ This just means he's not drunk enough, which is why she's pouring more wine out into her glass, and then holds the bottle at him, offering to do the same. ]

-- That's tough. If you'd asked me this months ago, when we were all aboard the Normandy, I'd probably pick Miranda. But Jack's calmed down a little since then... so I think I'll go with our psychotic biotic.

... That means Jack, by the way.