Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

[sassguard]

Kasumi?

[ Okay, so Shepard lost track of what they were up to once it was established that they were, you know, reading novels and not at all doing anything that would merit Shepard's immediate attention. But he still manages to sound appropriately concerned and earnest at the tone of her voice and the question. If someone needs home for something, it's never very difficult to snap back into Commander Shepard mode, and being in what's technically an international incident isn't an exception. ]

What is it? Did something happen?

[stealwithit]

[ Her voice carries a level of gravitas that is completely unwarranted for the situation, and for the question she's about to ask. ]

Who do you find more attractive, Samara, or Tali?

[sassguard]

... you called me just to me ask me that?

[stealwithit]

... Yes?

[sassguard]

[ Pinching nose... ]

Why?

[stealwithit]

We're ranking everyone on the crew by how attractive they are. Excluding myself and Joker, since we all know we'd top the ranks.

[sassguard]

Wait, does that mean you're ranking me?

[ Immediately: ]

Don't answer that.

[stealwithit]

[ Oh, so innocuously: ] Yes?

So who will it be? Tali or Samara?

[sassguard]

You can't say that and not tell me what it is!

[ Pause. ]

Samara, I guess. I don't have to qualify that answer, do I?

[stealwithit]

Not unless you want to. But just so you know, I picked Samara, too.

And you'll find out where you fall in due time. We're only just starting... [ if Kasumi was one for evil, maniacal laughter, this is where that would go. ]

Anyway, sorry to bother you with this in the middle of your mission, Shep. But as you can see, this is really important.

[sassguard]

[ He's totally silently filling in the maniacal laughter, thanks Kasumi... ]

Right. Uh, so that was all you needed me for, right? I ... should go.

[stealwithit]

[ Ah, there's the old catchphrase. ]

Yep, that's it. Thanks, Shep! Now go enjoy whatever it is couples do on high-tension missions in another country.

[ After she hangs up on the call, she turns promptly to Joker with a grin on her face. ]

Hear that, Joker? Our illustrious Commander chose Samara.

[boneitis]

[Wow, Shepard. Why do you betray him like this? What has he ever done to you to deserve such a thing?]

[But nah, he doesn't care that much. Tiebreaker has been counted, Samara wins by virtue of Shepard liking MILFs or something. So it shall be.]

Okay. Hey, there's no accounting for taste, I guess.

[Blue MILF advances.]

[stealwithit]

Apparently not. Although I have to say, your vouching for Tali is a little cute.

[ insert eyebrow waggling here, although it obviously goes unseen. It's practically audible in the way she says it, though. ]

Who's next?

[boneitis]

[And he'll take Things He Isn't Going To Talk About With Kasumi Fucking Goto for 1000, Trebek. Especially not when she's got that look on her face, because he knows that she's a gossiper and anything he says would be spread around the crew before morning.]

And we're just gonna be moving right along here.

[No additional Tali discussions for you.]

Miranda and Jack. So, which flavor of crazy bitch do you like best?

[stealwithit]

[ This just means he's not drunk enough, which is why she's pouring more wine out into her glass, and then holds the bottle at him, offering to do the same. ]

-- That's tough. If you'd asked me this months ago, when we were all aboard the Normandy, I'd probably pick Miranda. But Jack's calmed down a little since then... so I think I'll go with our psychotic biotic.

... That means Jack, by the way.

[boneitis]

[He makes a little affirmatory gesture towards his glass. Thanks, Kasumi, but you're gonna need a whole lot more than a bottle of wine to get him drunk, because his healing factor upped his alcohol metabolism like whoa. He's disappointed about it too, to be honest.]

Motion seconded. To be honest, Jack's just straight up prettier than Miranda is, which is kind of hilarious because of her whole perfect genetics schtick. If I didn't have a policy against sticking my dick in crazy and Jack wouldn't kill me besides, I might've taken a shot at her.

[But let's be real, she would've smeared him across a wall for even suggesting it.]

[stealwithit]

Jack? Really? Not Tali? [ Too bad, Joker, she's not gonna let the Tali thing go so easily. ]

I am inclined to agree with you, though. Jack could be a good time when she's not being... overtly violent.

[ She glances at the bracket. ] Last, but not least... Liara versus EDI. And I'm gonna go with Liara.

[boneitis]

Hey, don't judge me because I'm not into MILFs like you and Shepard.

[And she was so eager to know his type before, and now she does-- he's a nerd and he likes nerds and it's nerd all the way down.]

[And now they can just move along from the Tali thing, please and thank you. Please can they not continue to analyze the Tali thing, which isn't even actually a thing.]

What, not a fan of robots? EDI's got a pretty sexy chassis. And, y'know, that synthetic platform she got herself into isn't half bad either.

[stealwithit]

[ Fine, she'll drop the Tali thing.

If only because there is now an opportunity to rib him about the EDI thing. ]

Uh-huh. I saw. I'm sure you were very pleased with her new mobile platform.

But I'm sticking to Liara. She's the Shadow Broker. That earns serious points with me. Also, she's really pretty.

[boneitis]

Hey, she's good for my morale.

[Because hey, if he's going to have his copilot in a robot body, it might as well be a robot body with the proportions of a supermodel, right?]

I like Liara just fine, but c'mon. EDI's not just hot, she's also my ship. What can I say, I'm biased.

[Super biased.]

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi's pretty much rolling her eyes so, so much right now. ]

Uh-huh. Not to sound biased against robots, but EDI wouldn't even be in this competition without her... mobile platform. In fact, it's the only reason she's in, unlike Legion.

[boneitis]

Nnnnot really seeing your point here. Obviously we put EDI into the competition because of her body, that's the exact same reason we put literally everyone else in. Legion's got a body too, we could've easily put it into the running, but at least I was for leaving it out for pretty much the same reasons that we left Grunt out.

[It would be weird to put the fanboy hivemind robot into the sexy brackets just like it would be weird to put the tankbaby into the brackets.]

So yeah, if you've got a point, you're gonna need to make it a little better. Try phrasing it in the form of a question.