Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

[stealwithit]

Yeah, I think I'm good on leaving Legion out.

[ She leans in to examine the bracket carefully, and at length, she frowns against the rim of her glass. ]

I have some concerns. First of all, you're asking me to pick between Jacob and Vega, and that's just unfair.

[boneitis]

You're gonna have to choose between them eventually, so you might as well get it over with.

[There are going to be a lot of hard decisions on this bracket, Kasumi, because there's a lot of USDA grade-A choice hotness on the crew.]

[stealwithit]

Yeah, but right from the get-go? This is going to hurt me, Joker.

We may as well start with that bracket.

[ And then she frowns. A lot. Because seriously, how can she be expected to choose between Jacob Taylor and James Vega? The only time she's ever had to choose between them was in her imagination, and she didn't actually have to choose... Anyway. ]

[boneitis]

[Sorry, Kasumi, but 'filling to a beefcake sandwich' is not an option for this bracket. There can be only one Normandy's top beefcake and you must choose.]

[Joker considers the two options for a little while, but arrives to a fairly swift conclusion. This bracket clearly can't be won just by sheer muscle alone-- Vega and Jacob are pretty evenly matched on that one-- but by additional factors.]

My vote's on Vega.

[stealwithit]

Really? Okay.

[ Give her a moment or two. Or eleven.

Because Kasumi would claim that Vega has Jacob beat in physique by a little bit. Seriously, that man's muscles are almost impossible, the kind that their good friend Sandra Hill would describe as "undulating" and "bulging," but... Jacob. Jacob's body has achieved that delicate balance; it's just right. Plus, he's got that deep, silky voice, a heart of gold... ]

Hmmmm...

[ On the other hand, Vega seems like a fun guy. Like, a way fun guy. Sorry, Jacob, but when a guy asks her about taking him along on a heist or doesn't complain after she's just invisibly sat on his back during a push-up contest, you've got to give him some credit.

This. Is Indecision 2015. ]

Come on, you seriously can't ask me to pick between them. They're both so... hmm.

[boneitis]

Hey, I picked, so you do, too. Wasn't even that hard of a decision.

[Because there's one factor that, for Joker at least, will trump almost every other category. Like so many men, there's one sure way to his heart-- through his stomach.]

Jacob never made me breakfast when I was hungover. And for the record, Vega makes awesome huevos rancheros.

[A+, best hangover food he's ever had, would get horrifically hungover just to have again.]

[stealwithit]

I'm starting to have some real regrets about now joining back up with you guys.

[ 'cause like, the image of James Vega at the kitchen first thing in the morning? Sign her up. Alas, Shepard neglected to mention the presence of such a dreamy beefcake when he tried to convince Kasumi to get on board. Alas. ]

But... [ She sighs, and shakes her head. This is truly the Worst. ] I'll have to go with Vega, too. The tattoos are factor in, too.

[boneitis]

[Good to know that all they had to do to get Kasumi to do something is dangle some choice abs and a nice ass. She's like a cat chasing after a laser pointer made of butts.]

Vega it is. [He crosses out Jacob's name and moves Vega forward.] So, now that your great moral dilemma's out of the way, continue from the top?

[Space Batman vs Secret Agent Space Elvis.]

[stealwithit]

[ Look, you know what, Joker... You are completely right.

But she averts her direction up to the first bracket, and... frowns, again. Not quite as much as she did at Vega versus Jacob, but... Still. On one hand, Kaidan isn't a bad looking fella at all. But he's so grumpy and judgey. Garrus is definitely more of a hoot, in a way, but well, she supposes he really is the George Clooney of turians. ]

Hmmm... Objectively, I think Kaidan wins, but personally... Garrus?

[ Breaking news: Kasumi Goto is the worst at this. ]

[boneitis]

I... might actually agree with you on this one.

[SHOCK AND SURPRISE.]

Like, don't get me wrong, Alenko's a good looking guy, but I think that Garrus is more attractive by turian standards than Kaidan is by human standards.

Also-- and I swear I'll make your life hell if you tell him I said this-- I could listen to him read a fricking phone book. It's not fair.

[Garrus is a weird, gunsexual birdman dork, he shouldn't be allowed to sound like auditory sex. There should be a law against it or something.]

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi is appropriately nodding along, agreeing with everything he says--until that last bit. At which point, she sort of pauses, and her lips part like she's about to say something--but then she closes her mouth. ]

You know, I think I'm with you on that one. And don't worry, your deep, dark secret is safe with me.

[boneitis]

I feel like I'm going to regret telling you anything.

[Kasumi's a gossiper and he knows it. He blames the wine they've been chugging like sorority girls pregaming homecoming.]

Let's just move on. [And not talk about Vakarian anymore.] Wrex versus Thane, which lizardman would you rather mack on.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi's of the mind from their earlier discussion that Wrex is basically the krogan equivalent of, like, Hugh Jackman or something. Although Kasumi always appreciates the finer subtleties of a person, and Thane has got a lot of those just by profession... ]

I'm gonna go with Thane.

[boneitis]

Fuck, this isn't even a contest. Psychedelic murderlizard assassin all the way.

[Wrex can be krogan Hugh Jackman all he wants, but when Joker's calling the shots, he's not going to be coming out on top in the beauty contest. The bracket is updated with the new winner, and it's on to bracket number three.]

...Y'know, not gonna lie, I probably shouldn't have paired the crusty old aliens together. Seriously, Doc or Captain Cockroach, neither of them are exactly appealing prospects. This is nightmare shit right here.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi nods approvingly as Thane advances on. Another win for the drell!

But her expression falls briefly as she moves onto the next match-up, and... She hardly knows Javik. Just knows that he's basically a very disgruntled very ancient Prothean, which makes him really cool, but... ]

Okay--I'm gonna approach this with the "Which one of them would have had better game in their youth?" And I kind of want to answer Mordin, but... I don't know. I guess Javik could have been a hotshot, too. Thoughts?

[boneitis]

I've heard that Doc had a lot of people trying to pay him in sexual favors? Which is, y'know, probably the creepiest thing I've heard in a while. Javik, I, uh. I don't know?

[Maybe Javik is like space cockroach George Clooney or something, the galaxy may never know.]

We'd have to ask Liara, I guess. She would probably know.

[stealwithit]

Unfortunately, she's not here, so we're on our own for this one.

[ She leans back, and heaves a burdened sigh. Might as well just get this over with. ]

Tough call. I guess we'll have to go with the Doc, huh? I'm not signing up for anyone with more than two eyes.

[boneitis]

I'll go along with that.

[Javik's name gets a big X through it, and Mordin advances. How far will he get? Could the scientist salarian be the crowning champion of the Sexy Normandy Crew bracket? Everyone will just have to wait in suspense.]

And speaking of crusty old assholes, now we have Zaeed and our fearless leader. And, y'know, I gotta admit, for an old bastard, Zaeed's not that bad.

[Got that silver fox thing going on, like a rugged merc DILF with a bad swearing habit.]

[stealwithit]

[ She raises her glass to that. She feels that DLC character solidarity, Zaeed. ]

No, really. And his incredibly crass language and accent actually fit his slighted, angry merc aesthetic pretty well.

But... He's up against Shep. So sorry, Zaeed.

[boneitis]

In this case... yeah, Shepard's a pretty hot piece of SPECTRE ass. Let's advance our fearless leader.

[Sorry, Zaeed, but being a silver fox isn't enough to get you ahead in the Normandy Crew Beefcake Championships.]

[stealwithit]

[ She nods approvingly, and then shifts her gaze up to the first set of brackets on the other side. ]

Tali versus Samara? I don't know, Joker, it feels wrong no matter who we advance.

[Because Tali's got that little sister vibe going on, and Samara is... well, Samara. It's like she should be above this all. ]

... I think I have to go with Samara, though.

[boneitis]

[No one is above this. Not even blue super space mom monk.]

[He shakes his head at Kasumi's vote, though. Not agreeing with you here, Goto.]

Samara's good-looking and all, and she's got that weird mystical thing going for her, but sorry, it's Tali all the way.

[They might need a tie-breaker vote.]

[stealwithit]

[ She tilts her head. ]

Really? I mean, I could definitely hang out with Tali and have more of a blast, but that "weird mystical thing" is what makes Samara so alluring. That's my two cents.

[boneitis]

C'mon, Tali's cute and smart and likes ships. Samara's like a knight templar mom with a plunging neckline, I never know where I'm supposed to look.

[Not at the gravity-defying cleavage? Would she have to kill him because of the Code if he did? There are many questions.]

We need a tiebreaker vote?

[stealwithit]

Well, yeah, but... Wouldn't you think of her more like a little sister?

Or is that just me?

[ She shakes her head ruefully. ] Who should we call in for this?