Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

[boneitis]

I feel like I'm going to regret telling you anything.

[Kasumi's a gossiper and he knows it. He blames the wine they've been chugging like sorority girls pregaming homecoming.]

Let's just move on. [And not talk about Vakarian anymore.] Wrex versus Thane, which lizardman would you rather mack on.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi's of the mind from their earlier discussion that Wrex is basically the krogan equivalent of, like, Hugh Jackman or something. Although Kasumi always appreciates the finer subtleties of a person, and Thane has got a lot of those just by profession... ]

I'm gonna go with Thane.

[boneitis]

Fuck, this isn't even a contest. Psychedelic murderlizard assassin all the way.

[Wrex can be krogan Hugh Jackman all he wants, but when Joker's calling the shots, he's not going to be coming out on top in the beauty contest. The bracket is updated with the new winner, and it's on to bracket number three.]

...Y'know, not gonna lie, I probably shouldn't have paired the crusty old aliens together. Seriously, Doc or Captain Cockroach, neither of them are exactly appealing prospects. This is nightmare shit right here.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi nods approvingly as Thane advances on. Another win for the drell!

But her expression falls briefly as she moves onto the next match-up, and... She hardly knows Javik. Just knows that he's basically a very disgruntled very ancient Prothean, which makes him really cool, but... ]

Okay--I'm gonna approach this with the "Which one of them would have had better game in their youth?" And I kind of want to answer Mordin, but... I don't know. I guess Javik could have been a hotshot, too. Thoughts?

[boneitis]

I've heard that Doc had a lot of people trying to pay him in sexual favors? Which is, y'know, probably the creepiest thing I've heard in a while. Javik, I, uh. I don't know?

[Maybe Javik is like space cockroach George Clooney or something, the galaxy may never know.]

We'd have to ask Liara, I guess. She would probably know.

[stealwithit]

Unfortunately, she's not here, so we're on our own for this one.

[ She leans back, and heaves a burdened sigh. Might as well just get this over with. ]

Tough call. I guess we'll have to go with the Doc, huh? I'm not signing up for anyone with more than two eyes.

[boneitis]

I'll go along with that.

[Javik's name gets a big X through it, and Mordin advances. How far will he get? Could the scientist salarian be the crowning champion of the Sexy Normandy Crew bracket? Everyone will just have to wait in suspense.]

And speaking of crusty old assholes, now we have Zaeed and our fearless leader. And, y'know, I gotta admit, for an old bastard, Zaeed's not that bad.

[Got that silver fox thing going on, like a rugged merc DILF with a bad swearing habit.]

[stealwithit]

[ She raises her glass to that. She feels that DLC character solidarity, Zaeed. ]

No, really. And his incredibly crass language and accent actually fit his slighted, angry merc aesthetic pretty well.

But... He's up against Shep. So sorry, Zaeed.

[boneitis]

In this case... yeah, Shepard's a pretty hot piece of SPECTRE ass. Let's advance our fearless leader.

[Sorry, Zaeed, but being a silver fox isn't enough to get you ahead in the Normandy Crew Beefcake Championships.]

[stealwithit]

[ She nods approvingly, and then shifts her gaze up to the first set of brackets on the other side. ]

Tali versus Samara? I don't know, Joker, it feels wrong no matter who we advance.

[Because Tali's got that little sister vibe going on, and Samara is... well, Samara. It's like she should be above this all. ]

... I think I have to go with Samara, though.

[boneitis]

[No one is above this. Not even blue super space mom monk.]

[He shakes his head at Kasumi's vote, though. Not agreeing with you here, Goto.]

Samara's good-looking and all, and she's got that weird mystical thing going for her, but sorry, it's Tali all the way.

[They might need a tie-breaker vote.]

[stealwithit]

[ She tilts her head. ]

Really? I mean, I could definitely hang out with Tali and have more of a blast, but that "weird mystical thing" is what makes Samara so alluring. That's my two cents.

[boneitis]

C'mon, Tali's cute and smart and likes ships. Samara's like a knight templar mom with a plunging neckline, I never know where I'm supposed to look.

[Not at the gravity-defying cleavage? Would she have to kill him because of the Code if he did? There are many questions.]

We need a tiebreaker vote?

[stealwithit]

Well, yeah, but... Wouldn't you think of her more like a little sister?

Or is that just me?

[ She shakes her head ruefully. ] Who should we call in for this?

[boneitis]

Spoken like somebody who doesn't actually have a little sister.

[Joker has one of those, and Tali is totally not like that. He loves his kid sister, but she's been a pain in his ass in so many different, creative ways since she was born.]

[But, hey, maybe he's the only one who doesn't look at Tali and think 'little sister'.]

Shepard, maybe? He doesn't have a horse in the women's bracket.

slams back into this

[stealwithit]

Fair enough. Shall I give him a call, then?

If you really think about it, Samara should be a disqualification since she's a warrior monk and all, although that clearly didn't stop Zaeed at that party. Still, I'm sticking to my vote. She's so beautiful.

[boneitis]

Unless her code thing says she's not allowed to be in any sexy brackets, it doesn't really matter.

[Which would be a very specific restriction for the Code to have, and if it does, well. Good foresight?]

Yeah, call him up. We need a tiebreaker and it might as well be him, he sticks his nose into everyone's business as it is.

[stealwithit]

Ha. Truer words have no been spoken of the great Commander Shepard, he who sticks his nose into everyone's business, sometimes without even meaning to. And you know, I know he and Kaidan are away on an important mission in Finland for the government or whatever, but.

[ In any case, she'll pull out her communicator, and calls Shepard's number. It may or may not be like, the first contact on her favorites list shut up ]

Hey, Shep? Kasumi here. Just got a quick, important question for you...

[sassguard]

Kasumi?

[ Okay, so Shepard lost track of what they were up to once it was established that they were, you know, reading novels and not at all doing anything that would merit Shepard's immediate attention. But he still manages to sound appropriately concerned and earnest at the tone of her voice and the question. If someone needs home for something, it's never very difficult to snap back into Commander Shepard mode, and being in what's technically an international incident isn't an exception. ]

What is it? Did something happen?

[stealwithit]

[ Her voice carries a level of gravitas that is completely unwarranted for the situation, and for the question she's about to ask. ]

Who do you find more attractive, Samara, or Tali?

[sassguard]

... you called me just to me ask me that?

[stealwithit]

... Yes?

[sassguard]

[ Pinching nose... ]

Why?

[stealwithit]

We're ranking everyone on the crew by how attractive they are. Excluding myself and Joker, since we all know we'd top the ranks.

[sassguard]

Wait, does that mean you're ranking me?

[ Immediately: ]

Don't answer that.