Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

[stealwithit]

[ Wow, Joker, rude? You don't know Kasumi's life. She could be getting so laid...

... but no, you're right. ]

So could I, my friend. So could I. Don't worry--literally everyone around here is attractive. Like, I think it's a rule the Porter has? I'm pretty sure it's a rule.

[boneitis]

It's a good rule.

Was that part of the criteria for picking Shepard's squad, too? Because, not gonna lie, it was kind of like flying around the galaxy's most dangerous group of underwear models.

[stealwithit]

Absolutely. I mean, I'm not that into aliens, but I'm pretty sure Garrus and Wrex would count as total catches too?

[ Which gives her an idea... ]

We've got to rank them, Joker.

[boneitis]

Can't really comment on krogan, but from what I know about turian beauty standards, yeah, Garrus is like. I dunno, the George Clooney of birdmen.

[Rating the crew based on attractiveness is a terrible idea, which is exactly why they're going to do it.]

So are we ranking just the guys, or are we putting everybody in the running?

[stealwithit]

I mean--you could argue Wrex has got it based on his ranking alone, right? And with Garrus... Yeah, I guess I can kind of see that.

[ Cue a giant swig of wine. Clearly they were going to need more of it if they're going to feasibly rank a collection of the galaxy's hottest hotties. ]

Everyone. We've gotta be fair here, my friend. All I ask is that we leave Grunt out, seeing as he's like, three years old.

[boneitis]

Agreed.

[Grunt is Shepard's tankbaby, it would be too weird.]

Also, it'd be kinda biased if we kept ourselves in there. And I'd clearly take the top spot anyway.

[At least he knows how full of shit he is.]

[stealwithit]

And that's only because you haven't seen what I look like under this thing. But yeah, let's keep ourselves out.

[ spoiler alert: she's totes hot. but ~the world may never know~ (except, you know, for the few people who do know) ]

Where do we even begin?

[boneitis]

We do it like a bracket. Take all the guys and all the women, pit 'em against each other until we have the hottest of each category, and then decide between those two for who takes the heavyweight championship.

[He hauls himself up off of the floor, using the couch as leverage.]

I think I've got a white board somewhere.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi raises her glass at him as he gets up, and takes another sip. ]

Alright, you go find that, and I'll... stay here and keep drinking.

[ And welcome Mako onto her lap, apparently, as the dog climbs up and nestles herself and her fur all over Kasumi's black pants. Thanks, Satan. ]

[boneitis]

[Good, take the dog. He's going to be cleaning corgi fluff out of his apartment for weeks after this.]

[Joker returns after a few minutes of searching with a white board and some markers, and parks his ass back down to start drawing up the bracket.]

Okay. So... [He uncaps the marker with his teeth and starts writing. When he's done, he turns the white board to Kasumi, displaying the expertly crafted bracket that he'd made.]

Man, when did the squad become such a sausage party? And where the fuck do I put Legion? Let's leave Legion out, too.

[stealwithit]

Yeah, I think I'm good on leaving Legion out.

[ She leans in to examine the bracket carefully, and at length, she frowns against the rim of her glass. ]

I have some concerns. First of all, you're asking me to pick between Jacob and Vega, and that's just unfair.

[boneitis]

You're gonna have to choose between them eventually, so you might as well get it over with.

[There are going to be a lot of hard decisions on this bracket, Kasumi, because there's a lot of USDA grade-A choice hotness on the crew.]

[stealwithit]

Yeah, but right from the get-go? This is going to hurt me, Joker.

We may as well start with that bracket.

[ And then she frowns. A lot. Because seriously, how can she be expected to choose between Jacob Taylor and James Vega? The only time she's ever had to choose between them was in her imagination, and she didn't actually have to choose... Anyway. ]

[boneitis]

[Sorry, Kasumi, but 'filling to a beefcake sandwich' is not an option for this bracket. There can be only one Normandy's top beefcake and you must choose.]

[Joker considers the two options for a little while, but arrives to a fairly swift conclusion. This bracket clearly can't be won just by sheer muscle alone-- Vega and Jacob are pretty evenly matched on that one-- but by additional factors.]

My vote's on Vega.

[stealwithit]

Really? Okay.

[ Give her a moment or two. Or eleven.

Because Kasumi would claim that Vega has Jacob beat in physique by a little bit. Seriously, that man's muscles are almost impossible, the kind that their good friend Sandra Hill would describe as "undulating" and "bulging," but... Jacob. Jacob's body has achieved that delicate balance; it's just right. Plus, he's got that deep, silky voice, a heart of gold... ]

Hmmmm...

[ On the other hand, Vega seems like a fun guy. Like, a way fun guy. Sorry, Jacob, but when a guy asks her about taking him along on a heist or doesn't complain after she's just invisibly sat on his back during a push-up contest, you've got to give him some credit.

This. Is Indecision 2015. ]

Come on, you seriously can't ask me to pick between them. They're both so... hmm.

[boneitis]

Hey, I picked, so you do, too. Wasn't even that hard of a decision.

[Because there's one factor that, for Joker at least, will trump almost every other category. Like so many men, there's one sure way to his heart-- through his stomach.]

Jacob never made me breakfast when I was hungover. And for the record, Vega makes awesome huevos rancheros.

[A+, best hangover food he's ever had, would get horrifically hungover just to have again.]

[stealwithit]

I'm starting to have some real regrets about now joining back up with you guys.

[ 'cause like, the image of James Vega at the kitchen first thing in the morning? Sign her up. Alas, Shepard neglected to mention the presence of such a dreamy beefcake when he tried to convince Kasumi to get on board. Alas. ]

But... [ She sighs, and shakes her head. This is truly the Worst. ] I'll have to go with Vega, too. The tattoos are factor in, too.

[boneitis]

[Good to know that all they had to do to get Kasumi to do something is dangle some choice abs and a nice ass. She's like a cat chasing after a laser pointer made of butts.]

Vega it is. [He crosses out Jacob's name and moves Vega forward.] So, now that your great moral dilemma's out of the way, continue from the top?

[Space Batman vs Secret Agent Space Elvis.]

[stealwithit]

[ Look, you know what, Joker... You are completely right.

But she averts her direction up to the first bracket, and... frowns, again. Not quite as much as she did at Vega versus Jacob, but... Still. On one hand, Kaidan isn't a bad looking fella at all. But he's so grumpy and judgey. Garrus is definitely more of a hoot, in a way, but well, she supposes he really is the George Clooney of turians. ]

Hmmm... Objectively, I think Kaidan wins, but personally... Garrus?

[ Breaking news: Kasumi Goto is the worst at this. ]

[boneitis]

I... might actually agree with you on this one.

[SHOCK AND SURPRISE.]

Like, don't get me wrong, Alenko's a good looking guy, but I think that Garrus is more attractive by turian standards than Kaidan is by human standards.

Also-- and I swear I'll make your life hell if you tell him I said this-- I could listen to him read a fricking phone book. It's not fair.

[Garrus is a weird, gunsexual birdman dork, he shouldn't be allowed to sound like auditory sex. There should be a law against it or something.]

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi is appropriately nodding along, agreeing with everything he says--until that last bit. At which point, she sort of pauses, and her lips part like she's about to say something--but then she closes her mouth. ]

You know, I think I'm with you on that one. And don't worry, your deep, dark secret is safe with me.

[boneitis]

I feel like I'm going to regret telling you anything.

[Kasumi's a gossiper and he knows it. He blames the wine they've been chugging like sorority girls pregaming homecoming.]

Let's just move on. [And not talk about Vakarian anymore.] Wrex versus Thane, which lizardman would you rather mack on.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi's of the mind from their earlier discussion that Wrex is basically the krogan equivalent of, like, Hugh Jackman or something. Although Kasumi always appreciates the finer subtleties of a person, and Thane has got a lot of those just by profession... ]

I'm gonna go with Thane.

[boneitis]

Fuck, this isn't even a contest. Psychedelic murderlizard assassin all the way.

[Wrex can be krogan Hugh Jackman all he wants, but when Joker's calling the shots, he's not going to be coming out on top in the beauty contest. The bracket is updated with the new winner, and it's on to bracket number three.]

...Y'know, not gonna lie, I probably shouldn't have paired the crusty old aliens together. Seriously, Doc or Captain Cockroach, neither of them are exactly appealing prospects. This is nightmare shit right here.

[stealwithit]

[ Kasumi nods approvingly as Thane advances on. Another win for the drell!

But her expression falls briefly as she moves onto the next match-up, and... She hardly knows Javik. Just knows that he's basically a very disgruntled very ancient Prothean, which makes him really cool, but... ]

Okay--I'm gonna approach this with the "Which one of them would have had better game in their youth?" And I kind of want to answer Mordin, but... I don't know. I guess Javik could have been a hotshot, too. Thoughts?