maskormenace | Transmission 002

Entry tags:

Transmission 002 | Video

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What? Oh, yeah, vacuum mutt's around here somewhere.

[Why does he call the dog 'vacuum mutt'? Kaidan will soon find out, as Joker whistles for Mako and says,]

Hey, hey, Mako, come get this! Mako, floor pizza!

[The dog is his vacuum.]

F -- Floor --

[ Mako is not his ~*~princess~*~ but she is still their dog ]

We gave you a bag of food, feed her that! She's not supposed to eat pizza!

It's just a little bit of pizza.

[There is the soft jingle of the tags on a dog collar and the sound of doggy eating.]

Good girl.

You --

Stop feeding her pizza!

She's going to get fat!

Hate to break it to you, Kaidan, but she was fat before I got here.

[Someone tell Shepard to stop giving her table scraps.]

Who's a fat puppy? [Obviously he's talking to the dog, not Kaidan.] You are! Yes, you are!

She's not -- She's not that fat!

[ He cleared his throat. ]

That's beside the point! Why are you giving her pizza?

Because we have pizza and some fell on the floor?

[Kaidan can't see it, but he rolls his eyes here so hard his whole head moves with it.]

Untwist your panties, Alenko, I've been feeding her the dog food. And if Shepard feeds her table scraps like he did at the party, this dog's on a freaking diet at my place.

You shouldn't be taking Shepard as an example! Most of the time he doesn't feed her at all.

[ Where Kaidan can see. ]

Suuuuuuuuure he doesn't.

[Can you tell how much Joker is buying that? Like, not even slightly.]

Look, Kaidan, your dog is fine. [And considering that there's a corgi edging her way into his lap space, Alenko has audible proof that she's fine.] And seriously, you guys spoil this mutt way too much. Fine, Mako, okay, you can sit there but I don't have anything for you. I draw the line at liquor.

Like dealing with a freaking two year old.

Don't blame me for that one! I'm not the one training her.

[ He tried, okay. He tried, and then Mako realized he was the mean dad and Shepard was the nice dad.

You can bet your ass she doesn't beg Kaidan, but she doesn't have to. ]

If you don't give in to her, she'll stop asking, anyway.

[ Not that he hasn't...slipped her things..... sometimes.

rarely.

when she's being really cute. ]

Yeah, but she's cute.

[Hey, Joker's fine with being the dog's nice uncle or whatever, he only has to deal with her for set periods of time. He can give her back with a taste for pizza and braunschweiger and not have to deal with the fallout.]

Well, okay.

[ A soft huff. Even he can't resist for long. ]

That's fair. And she's good at getting what she wants, apparently. ]

[It's hard to resist a corgi. They're so cute and they have bunny butts.]

Yeah, I can tell from her waistline. Don't you guys make her walk or something? You guys can actually run and shit, how is she so fat?

She uh -- she goes on runs with us.

[ He kind of stumbled over the words. ]

Honestly? I don't know why she's not losing weight... She should.

I do.

[He knows exactly why that dog is fat.]

Well?

Are you going to enlighten the rest of us?

Sure.

It's tall, can't grow more than a five o'clock shadow to save its life, and says 'I should go' a lot.

[Three guesses and the first two don't count.]

He isn't feeding her that much!

[ Where Kaidan can see. ]

If you're not the one overfeeding her, she's getting the food from somewhere. And the only person left with opposable thumbs and access to bacon is our fearless, dog-spoiling leader.

[Who knew that Shepard is such a sucker for dogs?]

I was starting to think she had a condition...

[ A pause. ]

Maybe I should ask Shepard before I waste a trip to the vet, huh?

[ Joker, you might've put not just Mako in the doghouse. ]

Yeah, you might want to do that.

[THIS IS FOR USING HIM AS BAIT, SHEPARD.]

[ An annoyed clearing of his throat. ]

Thank you for the tip, Joker. [ As if he couldn't have concluded it. He has a blindspot. ]

Maybe you should start her on her diet.

Sure, why not. No more floor pizza for the dog, I think I can handle that.

[Sorry, Mako, your life is about to become a lot less delicious. Blame Shepard, he's the one who ruined it for you.]

Thank you.

Maybe now she'll actually lose some damn weight before we get back.

[ He's worried about their fat, stubby puppy. Even if she's really Shepard's. ]

I hate to break it to you, but even with a diet, your dog's gonna be a pancake for a while.

[Such a fat, stubby puppy. But at least she's cute?]