maskormenace | Transmission 002

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[It's hard to resist a corgi. They're so cute and they have bunny butts.]

Yeah, I can tell from her waistline. Don't you guys make her walk or something? You guys can actually run and shit, how is she so fat?

She uh -- she goes on runs with us.

[ He kind of stumbled over the words. ]

Honestly? I don't know why she's not losing weight... She should.

I do.

[He knows exactly why that dog is fat.]

Well?

Are you going to enlighten the rest of us?

Sure.

It's tall, can't grow more than a five o'clock shadow to save its life, and says 'I should go' a lot.

[Three guesses and the first two don't count.]

He isn't feeding her that much!

[ Where Kaidan can see. ]

If you're not the one overfeeding her, she's getting the food from somewhere. And the only person left with opposable thumbs and access to bacon is our fearless, dog-spoiling leader.

[Who knew that Shepard is such a sucker for dogs?]

I was starting to think she had a condition...

[ A pause. ]

Maybe I should ask Shepard before I waste a trip to the vet, huh?

[ Joker, you might've put not just Mako in the doghouse. ]

Yeah, you might want to do that.

[THIS IS FOR USING HIM AS BAIT, SHEPARD.]

[ An annoyed clearing of his throat. ]

Thank you for the tip, Joker. [ As if he couldn't have concluded it. He has a blindspot. ]

Maybe you should start her on her diet.

Sure, why not. No more floor pizza for the dog, I think I can handle that.

[Sorry, Mako, your life is about to become a lot less delicious. Blame Shepard, he's the one who ruined it for you.]

Thank you.

Maybe now she'll actually lose some damn weight before we get back.

[ He's worried about their fat, stubby puppy. Even if she's really Shepard's. ]

I hate to break it to you, but even with a diet, your dog's gonna be a pancake for a while.

[Such a fat, stubby puppy. But at least she's cute?]

She's not a -- a pancake -- she's just...

Really short?

I don't think we can get around that.

[He just sends over this picture.]

[ A -- Aw.

Literally, he makes a little 'aw'. ]

Okay, fair.

...oh my god I don't think she can get back up.

[There are just little stubby flailing legs everywhere.]

What --

Then pick her up!

[ Like Joker doesn't know that. ]

Tell Shepard he should feel bad for what he did to this poor mutt. She's like the saddest dog loaf, it would be tragic if it wasn't so freaking hilarious.

[He'll help her in a minute, he's enjoying this too much.]

She wasn't --

She wasn't that bad when we left her with you. [ A pause. ] She might be wallowing for attention you know.

But don't worry, Shepard will know.

Well, apparently your dog only has separation anxiety when pizza stops being part of the equation.

[There's a sad little jingly noise and a doggy sigh.]

Oh-- oh, she's stopped struggling. She's resigned herself to her fate.

[You get the running narration of your dog's life with Joker, you're welcome.]

You know --

[ This is cute, and all, but... ]

Joker, you almost sound fond of her. It's either her struggle that's cute, or you're getting attached...

[Okay, so maybe-- just maybe-- he likes the dog. Maybe he even kind of wants one of his own, because he's only going to be able to mooch this one off of Shepard and Alenko so many times before it gets suspicious.]

I think it's more the novelty of a dog who's too short and fat to get off of its back on its own. I'm pretty sure being cute is the only reason this breed has even survived, because it's sure as hell not for their survival skills.

[ Joker, you can be their doggy uncle anytime, they won't call you out. ]

Well, isn't that the point of targeted breeding? They used to be working dogs, because they could bite the cow's ankles. [ Nerd. ]

[Yeah, but Kaidan gets pissy when he feeds the dog floor pizza. If he has his own dog, no one can get pissed about the floor pizza.]

And now they're useless.

[Unless being cute counts as a use, but otherwise a corgi is just a tiny dog who only exists because people think short dogs with bunny butts are adorable.]

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