maskormenace | Transmission 002

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

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[Yeah, but Kaidan gets pissy when he feeds the dog floor pizza. If he has his own dog, no one can get pissed about the floor pizza.]

And now they're useless.

[Unless being cute counts as a use, but otherwise a corgi is just a tiny dog who only exists because people think short dogs with bunny butts are adorable.]

At least they're... cute?

And have personality.

[ A beat. ] Probably a little too much.

Still, y'know, I would've expected Shepard to get more of a useful dog. Like, I dunno, a malinois or a shepherd.

[He knows the pun's there, he's just not going to make the obvious joke. Low hanging fruit and all.]

Train it to punch reporters or something.

[ A hiss through his teeth. ]

Punch reporters?

Why the hell would he do that?

Because he... did that?

[Does this Shepard not punch reporters or something? Because Joker distinctly remembers Shepard getting real annoyed at a certain reporter and decking her at least once.]

What?

[ No, no he didn't. ]

No? Why would he punch a reporter? He's a Spectre, not a -- a -- Some kind of bully? I mean, no more than anyone in that position has to be.

Huh.

[He's noticed that this Shepard is, well... nicer than the one he knew. They look the same, but he couldn't really see his CO doting on a corgi, and he was about the furthest thing from happy boyfriends with Kaidan that you can be.]

[Alternate universes are weird.]

To be fair, that reporter was seriously an asshole.

What? Enough of an asshole that they should be punched?

[ A scoff. ]

No offense, but he sounds like -- a jackass.

[shrug]

You're not wrong. But he's a jackass who gets shit done, and sometimes that's what you need. There are a lot of people in the galaxy who needed their heads forcibly removed from their asses, and pretty manners didn't make that happen any faster.

I don't know... Shepard doesn't have any problems with manners.

[ Okay, he has some. ]

I mean, he does that too, but he's not a -- a dick about it. I guess I could see how it happens, I'm just... I guess it's harder to imagine a world where Shepard's that bad of a person. Weirder than him being a woman.

Making a lot of assumptions there, Alenko.

[His Shepard might be kind of an asshole, but he's his Shepard; Joker followed him to hell and back and would gladly do so again. He'd never say that he's perfect, but he does what needs to be done, even if it isn't nice.]

Shepard's done a lot of good things, and there are plenty of decent people who are alive because of him and bad ones that aren't. He might not be winning any congeniality awards, but I'm willing to give him a pass on shutting up one real obnoxious person with his fist after all the shit he's had to wade through.

Because that's the best solution out there?

[ He sounds offended, but... ]

I get it, I do. I guess I'm just -- I can't see Shepard doing that. I mean, you've met John.

Yeah, John's a great guy, and that's good for him, but I'm sure he's done shit that doesn't look so great on paper, too. And you haven't met my Shepard at all, so how about you hold off on the snap judgments?

[He likes John, he really does, but he reminds Joker of what his Shepard was like back when they were taking down Saren (which was really only like a few years ago but seems like so much longer), before the Normandy was destroyed and Cerberus and all the shit that followed. Back before his do-what's-right-because-it's-right CO started justifying the means by the ends.]

[He used to wonder if the person that Cerberus brought back was really Shepard, but forced himself to stop; there's nothing good at the end of that train of thought.]

Besides, let's be real, Alenko-- your assessment of people and their intentions hasn't always been too accurate.

I don't know about that, Joker. All I said was that I couldn't trust Cerberus.

And well... Look at what happened. They proved that they weren't trustworthy. I might have been wrong about Shepard, but... considering the circumstances, it was the right course of action to take at the time.

And things worked out in the end, either way.

[ Even if he'd believed Shepard, he'd have never signed on with Cerberus, so he's not sure what Joker is getting at, other than throwing Horizon at him. Again. Unless he means the Citadel, which... again. Looked awful, and for a reason, he figured out. But sometimes, you had to go with the facts. ]

You're right, though. I haven't met, er, "your Shepard". [ And he's somewhat glad for that. ]

Transmission 002 | Video

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