Transmission 002 | Video

[boneitis]

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Comments

voice

[kanadian]

B -- Buttermilk --

[ He sputters around the word, and you can just hear his voice getting more and more constipated by the moment. ]

That's not even -- That's not even sexy, it makes no sense!

voice

[boneitis]

[Kaidan, you sweet Canadian summer child, your butt mad is just fuel for Joker's fire.]

'“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”'

voice

[kanadian]

This isn't --

[? A startling realization: ] Are you reading this around our dog?

voice

[boneitis]

What? Oh, yeah, vacuum mutt's around here somewhere.

[Why does he call the dog 'vacuum mutt'? Kaidan will soon find out, as Joker whistles for Mako and says,]

Hey, hey, Mako, come get this! Mako, floor pizza!

[The dog is his vacuum.]

voice

[kanadian]

F -- Floor --

[ Mako is not his ~*~princess~*~ but she is still their dog ]

We gave you a bag of food, feed her that! She's not supposed to eat pizza!

voice

[boneitis]

It's just a little bit of pizza.

[There is the soft jingle of the tags on a dog collar and the sound of doggy eating.]

Good girl.

voice

[kanadian]

You --

Stop feeding her pizza!

She's going to get fat!

voice

[boneitis]

Hate to break it to you, Kaidan, but she was fat before I got here.

[Someone tell Shepard to stop giving her table scraps.]

Who's a fat puppy? [Obviously he's talking to the dog, not Kaidan.] You are! Yes, you are!

voice

[kanadian]

She's not -- She's not that fat!

[ He cleared his throat. ]

That's beside the point! Why are you giving her pizza?

voice

[boneitis]

Because we have pizza and some fell on the floor?

[Kaidan can't see it, but he rolls his eyes here so hard his whole head moves with it.]

Untwist your panties, Alenko, I've been feeding her the dog food. And if Shepard feeds her table scraps like he did at the party, this dog's on a freaking diet at my place.

voice

[kanadian]

You shouldn't be taking Shepard as an example! Most of the time he doesn't feed her at all.

[ Where Kaidan can see. ]

voice

[whathawksdo]

You left your dog with these people? Really?

[ Kaidan....

We have come full circle. It is finally Hawke's time to judge him. World-ending stuff right here. ]

voice

[kanadian]

They're crew! We thought --

They can watch our asses, but not our dog?

voice

[whathawksdo]

...there are so many things I could say about the differences between asses and dogs, but I'm not sure where to begin.

voice

[kanadian]

That's not what I --

That's not what I meant!

voice

[whathawksdo]

You don't have to feed an ass, walk an ass, check an ass for-- [ No, let's stop there. ] If anything, watching your asses is yards easier than taking care of a dog.

voice

[kanadian]

You know that dogs aren't generally in mortal peril, right?

voice

[whathawksdo]

Theoretically, neither should your ass.

voice

[kanadian]

I'm a soldier, it's literally my job to get it in trouble.

[sassguard]

You're welcome to kidnap her from them, if this is their idea of taking care of her.

[ DEAD EYES. You had one job, guys!! ]

[whathawksdo]

Is that an official request for a heroic rescue?

[sassguard]

You're my only hope.

[whathawksdo]

Am I allowed to kick down his door?

[sassguard]

Only if you do it gently. I don't think he could put it back afterwards.

[whathawksdo]

I'll try my best to kick softly.