maskormenace | Transmission 002

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Transmission 002 | Video

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You bet your ass it is.

[He just keeps on chuckling.]

Oh, hell -- remind me. If a dwarf with no beard and a crossbow shows up, remind me to have him read you his shit.

I'll keep an eye out. If his stuff somehow manages to be even better than this, I'll buy you all drinks.

[Probably on Garrus' tab.]

If it gives you any idea, he's best known for some crazy crap called "Hard In Hightown".

Pretty good, from what I heard.

I like him already.

[That is the kind of pun-worthy series title that he can really get behind.]

You'd probably get along great.

No joke.

So, does this guy go punching dragons or whatever with you, too?

[With a guy like Bull, who has guns approximately the size of Joker's torso, it seems like the obvious conclusion. What else would you do but punch giant dangerous lizards right in the face? Shepard does that all the time.]

Once or twice, I think. After that, he probably stormed off muttering about how he was a writer not a dragonslayer.

Great guy though. Can't say much for his taste in women.

... His girlfriend is a crossbow.

But is it a really nice crossbow?

[Joker asks the important questions.]

Think so. Ask him for a look, though, and he acts like you just asked to have sex with it.

[Bull it's not that bad.]

Somebody's protective. What, does it dispense ice cream and blowjobs or something?

[Shut up, Joker, you're just as protective about the Normandy and you know it.]