maskormenace | Transmission 002

[Did anyone ever really want a selfie-style shot of Joker’s asshole face when they got on the network? No? Too bad, because it’s there.]

Hi there, boys and girls. Guess what time it is?

[Time for everyone to fucking leave if they know what’s good for them. If you’re still here, godspeed, brave soul. You’re in for a wild ride from start to finish.]

Hey, Kasumi, tell ‘em. Tell ‘em what we’ve got.

[Anyone watching might become slightly seasick as the camera swings away from Joker and over to Kasumi. The hooded woman gives the camera a grin--the kind that someone has when they’re up to no good, like a kid who just stole something from the candy store. (She may actually have stolen something from a store today.) She holds up a paperback novel in her hands.]

We’ve got… this work of art. A masterpiece, honestly. And we’re going to share it with you all because we care.

[She tosses the book over to Joker without warning--but, you know, gently--and takes the camera. Let’s all just hope he doesn’t fracture his fingers trying to catch the damn thing. Note the bottle(s) of wine, and an empty box of pizza on the table as the video focuses on him.]

[He barely makes the catch, fumbling it a little because he’d been in the process of reaching for a glass when she’d thrown it. They are absolutely real adults and there’s no way he’d make it through this whole thing without wine and pizza.]

Seriously, though, this thing is a work of freaking brilliance. It should win all the awards. Every award, ever.

[Joker opens the book to a specially marked page.]

You guys ready for this? Because you’re not. There’s nothing in your life that would’ve ever prepared you for this shit.

[He clears his throat and starts off in a deep, dramatic voice,]

’Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.’ [There is a brief moment where he has to visibly compose himself, nearly overwhelmed by the sheer… amazingness of that single sentence.] ’His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.’

Oh, yeah, by the way? This guy’s name is Torolf and I think he’s a time-traveling Viking, and no, I’m not shitting you right now.

[Background information imparted, he goes back to the text.]

’Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and also her hands. Her spongy’… spongy love mountains? Yeah, that totally says ‘spongy love mountains’, okay, I’m just gonna go with it. Well, they hurled to and fro with every pounding, and is it just me or does that sound uncomfortable?

[Joker is merely answered by the sound of Kasumi’s unbridled laughter for a moment until she manages to compose herself. If only to offer:]

No, they’re fine. With how spongy she apparently is? All that hurling to and fro is probably nothing.

I’ll defer to your expert opinion. [He reaches down to grab his glass of wine-- filled way higher than wine glasses are supposed to be filled, but fuck you he does what he wants-- and takes a dainty sip.] So, where was I… right, okay, ‘Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’

[And he nearly loses it again, but gamely manages to continue,]’Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suff--pphhfffftoh my god is this the real life-- suffered from dick Parkinson’s.

[And then he does completely and utterly lose it.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I like him already.

[That is the kind of pun-worthy series title that he can really get behind.]

You'd probably get along great.

No joke.

So, does this guy go punching dragons or whatever with you, too?

[With a guy like Bull, who has guns approximately the size of Joker's torso, it seems like the obvious conclusion. What else would you do but punch giant dangerous lizards right in the face? Shepard does that all the time.]

Once or twice, I think. After that, he probably stormed off muttering about how he was a writer not a dragonslayer.

Great guy though. Can't say much for his taste in women.

... His girlfriend is a crossbow.

But is it a really nice crossbow?

[Joker asks the important questions.]

Think so. Ask him for a look, though, and he acts like you just asked to have sex with it.

[Bull it's not that bad.]

Somebody's protective. What, does it dispense ice cream and blowjobs or something?

[Shut up, Joker, you're just as protective about the Normandy and you know it.]

Fuck, if that thing handed out ice cream, he'd have to pry it out of my cold dead fingers.

That shit is amazing.

[BETTER THAN BLOWJOBS.]

I know, right? It's pretty great.

[The real benefit of modern technology-- all the ice cream you could ever want, whenever you want it.]

Civilians have the best food. It's not like anybody goes into the military for the fucking rations, that's for sure.

[He remembers all too well the horrors of MREs and freeze-dried meats that can't legally be called 'beef' or 'chicken'.]

Better than anything back home.

[A thoughtful pause.]

Spoken like a man in the military. Yeah?

[If his hunch is right, anyway.]

Yeah, for better or worse. I mean, sure, civilian-class gets better pay and nicer quarters, vacation time, lower risk of getting shot at, and better food, but...

[beat]

I dunno, I'm a masochist or something, probably.

Doesn't sound all that masochistic to me.

[Don't mind the information fishing. Really.]

My pay's meh, the food tastes like ass slightly warmed over, and my CO used me as bait. The only good thing about military work is my ship and even that sasses me.

[Insert 'can't get no respect' joke here.]

Sounds like masochism to me.

Better a slightly warm ass than a frozen one. Believe me.

Sort of. Or it sounds like you've got some other reason for doing it.

Maybe. Or maybe it's just because I look so damn good in the uniform.

Oh? Do you now?

[You can just hear that eyebrow waggle.]

Sure. Can't wear it around here or else there'd be riots. Too much raw sex appeal in one place, you know how it is.

Now I'm sad I haven't had the chance to behold it.

As are many, Bull. But it's for the good of all of us.

[Or Joker's so full of shit that it's coming out his eyeballs, but hey, this is his story and he's sticking to it.]

Aw, come on. Just a little glimpse?

I dunno, I usually don't give private shows until a guy's at least bought me dinner. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Damn, and here I am, spoken for. Otherwise, I'd buy you dinner and drinks.

[... yeah he's actually serious about that.]

I guess you'll just have to keep wondering, then.

[Hey, Joker might've taken him up on the offer, if Bull wasn't already taken.]

Hey, maybe someday things will work out in our favor.

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[ okay she's been watching this exchange go on long enough from the sidelines ]

Oh, thank god. I was a little worried I'd have to step in for a second.

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