010 ♍ text ♍ locked from norman osborn, hazel lockwood

[glowsferatu]

hope can be such a fickle thing

ive lived my life without it for years and it chooses now of all times to barrel its way back in
but none of that makes it fit in the environment
its only like an ice cube trying to enjoy a summers day

even when im staring at it in front of me i cant seem to conquer the idea that it isnt mine
that im not the one who gets a happy ending its only being borrowed from someone else
another me from another timeline who things progressed more happily for
another me who could look at this and actually feel like shes earned it

i dont know what to do with this feeling
except to know its made a fool of me

[ She includes a photo taken on her desk, some weird black ball covered in candy corn spikes. Is it a Halloween decoration? ]

im going to be a mother after all

Comments

[glowsferatu]

what do you use then

[resipiscent]

Other people. My friends. What else?

[glowsferatu]

i was just cecking to see if there wasnt some other possibility i hadnt considered

[resipiscent]

Hah. Sorry to disappoint you. I guess, in a way, I have myself as a guide, too. Looking back at the things I already did, I mean.

[glowsferatu]

its nothing you need to apologize for
it certainly isnt your job to provide me with answers

but youre right with that also
even if there werent other we always have our own mistakes to guide us
but its perhaps only through others that we recognize those mistakes

[resipiscent]

Yeah, that's true. Without my friends there's no way I'd have realized it in the first place. But now that I have, I can do it myself.

[glowsferatu]

in theory perhaps
but if im doing it all on my own
i have to wonder if it would be worth doing at all

[resipiscent]

I think it is. Personally, I don't want to go back to the person I used to be. So... it's for me, as well as them.

[glowsferatu]

i suppose
on some level

[ Or she's just conceding because the truth is far too depressing. ]

[resipiscent]

It's all right if you don't agree. That's just how it is for me personally.

[glowsferatu]

that shouldnt be terribly surprising
we are different people with different needs
so its only right we will respond to certain priorities differently

[resipiscent]

Yeah. Which... means we both have our own coping methods, too. I think that's all right.

[glowsferatu]

we all tend to stick with whatever works

[resipiscent]

Yeah. But I'll help you, too, if you want to help me.

[glowsferatu]

thats what friends are all about isnt it

[resipiscent]

Yeah, I'd say. If you're fine with being guided by a guy who can't really guide himself.

[glowsferatu]

which of us is ever any good at guiding ourselves
i always have plenty to say when others require guidance
but for my own life it demands more care
i suppose it becomes too personal to be objective

[resipiscent]

Yeah, exactly. I don't think it's possible to be objective for yourself, is it?

[glowsferatu]

anyone who thinks it is probably needs a second opinion
ive never been able to trust someone who relies solely on their own self-awareness

[resipiscent]

I get it. I... don't know that I can, either.

[glowsferatu]

That sort of person too often believes that a certain degree of scrutiny is a bad thing
i would rather be scrutinized than left unchecked
the alternative is always ugly

[resipiscent]

Seriously. I mean, there are things I wouldn't do again. But there's stuff that I can say I won't do, but I can't promise that when it comes down to it, I wouldn't?

[glowsferatu]

there are some things that we may not want to do but will never have a choice in
and when those times come i want to be stopped
whether its simply a bad habit or something more sinister
im not so arrogant to think my judgement wont fail

[resipiscent]

Yeah. I... sometimes my feelings are stronger than my morals.

[glowsferatu]

not to say that my morals are weak
but they are
more severe than most humans