VIDEO; a public service announcement

[glitterateur]

[Aw, look, it’s a cute little preteen! And she is definitely not in jail. Though she does look very serious (in her very serious sweater) as she addresses the camera.]

Hi! For anybody I don’t know, my name’s Mabel! Mabel Pines. And today I have good news and also bad news that has some good news? The totally good news is that I’m doing sweater commissions! So if anybody needs a last minute Hanukkah gift or something for Christmas or any other holiday, just let me know. All I need is a size and what design you want and you’ve got it! My rates are very reasonable.

Now the bad news! So... people might have seen that video on the network last week? The creepy one where the guy who looks like my brother was all like today I’m gonna walk on glass and freak everybody out? Well-- long story short but that’s actually not Dipper! That’s a demon. His name’s Bill and he’s pretty evil and also he can take over people’s bodies. [She looks off camera for a second before continuing.]

Which is all kinds of freaky, right? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! There're ways to tell if you're dealing with him or not.

[She holds up a pair of visual aids to the screen. Marvel at this 13 year old's artistic skills.]

And I’ve got these in helpful pamphlet form, too, for anybody who wants. See, I told you there was more good news! So, just to recap-- creepy wrong pupils is bad, triangles are extra bad, and please don’t just punch Dipper or anyone else you might suspect before you check for the warning signs.

--oh and if you’re gonna call us probably don’t call Stan first? It’s bad if his communicator thing goes off during one of his [Airquotes:] “business deals.” It scares the pugs.

[Mabel gives the camera a thumbs up!! Before turning it off.]

Comments

[stealwithit]

...A while ago. Right around the swear-in back in August.

[ best birthday ever. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

Ah, shit, I missed it.

[ a beat, then, in the brightest voice ever, ]

Happy birthday!

[stealwithit]

[ She laughs. ]

Better late than never, I guess. I didn't really want to go around telling people, but Shep found out, and... yeah.

But, now that you know... should I be expecting a present from you, Star-Lord?

[nostalgiabomb]

You mean, aside from the Christmas present?

Maybe. If you tell me when your birthday actually is.

[stealwithit]

Aww, you're getting me a Christmas present?

And... I'll tell you, but only if you tell me when yours is, too.

[nostalgiabomb]

'Course I am. Christmas is kind of a big deal.

[ And without missing a beat, ] April 31st.

[stealwithit]

[ Nice try. Flatly, ]

Ha, ha. Clever.

You know, I have ways to find out when it is if I really felt like it. [ no, Kasumi, do not hack into government registration records just to find out when this idiot's birthday is. ] But be a dear and save me the trouble?

[nostalgiabomb]

... But now I kinda want you to hack into, like, a government database and get everything on everyone.

[ quisumi no. ]

[stealwithit]

[ She gasps. ]

Peter Quill, are you suggesting I hack into secret government files to get gossip?

Tsk. Honestly, what kind of person do you think I am?

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Matter-of-factly, ] Someone who would hack into secret government files to get gossip.

[stealwithit]

If the government tracks me down from this conversation and arrests me based on your false accusations, Quill, you're bailing me out.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ He snorts dismissively. ]

Goto, please, you and I both know you'd never get caught.

[stealwithit]

I have no idea what you're talking about. My pastimes include listening to music from the 21st century and reading romance novels and writing poetry. Also, long walks on the beach.

[ seriously Quill this is a public network p l s ]

[nostalgiabomb]

And occasionally, inflicting terrible, smutty literature on her unsuspecting friends.

Which, by the way, was the greatest crime of them all. Don't think I'll ever be able to scrub those words out of my brain.

[stealwithit]

Peter--shh!

There are children around.

[ SORRY DIPPER AND MABEL?? Also don't listen to Kasumi, she and Joker literally read smut out loud on the network. It was such terrible smut it may as well not have been smut but whatever. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

Goto, these kids are literally dealing with a demon problem. I think they can hear the words "smutty literature" and not spontaneously combust.

[stealwithit]

[ Her words follow on the tail end of his, almost like she didn't really listen to what he said. (She didn't. This is more important.) ]

By the way, did you know Ken and Dipper are boyfriends now?

[nostalgiabomb]

Wait, what? Aren't they both, like, eight?

[stealwithit]

Ken's twelve. Dipper... You know, I have no clue. I don't know him much beyond the fact that he didn't shower regularly...

[nostalgiabomb]

[ A pause, then, ]

Dude. Gross.

[stealwithit]

Dude, that's what I said.

But apparently, Tacos [ that's Dippers nickname, obviously ] didn't shower for like a week. Next thing I know, Mabel's sending me a text to thank me for scolding him into showering? Also, apparently Ken told him to and now he showers regularly?

Is this, like, a teenage boy thing? Not showering?

[nostalgiabomb]

... Tacos?

And, I dunno. I grew up with a bunch of fully grown alien dudes with varying senses of cleanliness. And considering I spent most of my teenage life covered in engine grease, I opted for the nonflammable route and showered pretty frequently?

[stealwithit]

That's Dipper's nickname. He didn't shower for a week and had to ask while he still smelled like tacos for so long.

And--probably a good call, going for the nonflammable route in your teenage years, especially now that hot is your default setting?

[ too hot, hot damn, etc. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Mimicking her earlier inflection-- ]

Kasumi--! Shh!

There are children around.

[stealwithit]

[ Mimicking his earlier inflection-- ]

Quill, these kids are literally dealing with a demon problem. I think they can hear someone flirt with someone else and not spontaneously combust.