maskormenace | 006 | voice

Entry tags:

006 | voice

I’m going to be honest with you here network, I’ve been avoiding you.

It’s not you, it’s me. I just needed some time apart from all the self-congratulating, needy social media bullcrap that this network breeds. I mean, it’s no Rumblr, but sometimes it comes a close second.

Pro tip: if it’s not about me I’m just not interested. [Hopefully that’s a joke, but there’s a big possibility it isn’t.]

But I’m here to extend the olive branch of apology for depriving you of my company for a long ass amount of time, and also remind you that the second season of my show finished airing not so long ago, so buy that shit when it’s on DVD so I can get your money. Or… a very small percentage of it.

[Best salesman ever.]

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I know, I know, save your applause. Miss me?

Do you want the real answer or the make Jeff feel better answer?

Definitely the latter, because I'll know, deeep in your heart, that'll be the real answer too.

In that case, I've missed you terribly.

Aw, missed you too buddy. Barely. I mean like you were a fleeting thought occasionally.

I'll need to up my game, then. I'd hate to be forgettable.

It's nothing personal, Dorian, I forget anyone who isn't me.

What have you been up to, loser?

Oh, the usual. Work, clubbing, loads of sex with the husband....

I see I didn't get an invite. To the clubbing. I have less interest in invitations to work or sex.

Do you want an invite to the clubbing?

It would be nice.

Next Friday, then. Clear your schedule.

I said an invitation would be nice, not that I'd accept it.

Tough luck, we're going clubbing anyway.

Fine. [He doesn't sound too disappointed about it.] Where?

[ insert name of classy & super popular Maurtia Falls club here! ]

So hipster.

It's new and it's popular. I like new and popular. Ergo, we're going there.

Fine. [Reluctant, but we all know Jeff is the biggest hipster of all.] Dress code?

The dress code is if you wear a t-shirt, I'll disown you.

No shirt? Got it.

Here's hoping you haven't neglected your abs for all those suits you wear.

These abs get nothing but attention, four days a week. If you went to the gym, you'd know that.

Immortality, bitches! I don't need to go to the gym, I literally wake up like this.

Which is exactly why you need to go to the gym. You look like you'd snap in a moderate gust.

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