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[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

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[bestpirate]

...wot's a taco?

[Asks the dirty but handsome looking fella in the filthy swashbuckling gear looking just like a pirate from the days of yore. Jack peers into the screen curiously as he awaits an answer. He has so many questions about this world and not enough answers.]

Also, this is...the Americas? We're in a colony?

[hardboyled]

[That... sure is a dirty lookin' pirate. Not quite what Charles is used to seeing, even at the best of Halloween parties.]

A taco? It's a Mexican dish with tortilla, meat, beans, salad... y'know, all the good stuff. [Beat. Did he ask if it's America? Did he hear that right?] And. Uh, yeah. We're in America, buddy. Welcome...?

[bestpirate]

[He'll take a long bath eventually today but for now, he looks like a walking disaster. A smelly one.]

That's a taco?! I had something like that in the Golfo de Nueva España years ago but be damned if I knew what it was.

[His Spanish is a little rusty these days but he still got it.]

Ugh! My head starting to ache. These porters can go quite far and away but never did I think I would just blink my eyes and find myself here.

[hardboyled]

[Ooh, Spanish. Be still his beating heart.]

Yeeeah, it sure is something. I've heard there's people from different planets here.

[bestpirate]

I've actually spoken with some of the "star people". Apparently, they never even heard of our Earth or of the Caribbean.

[He's still reeling from the fact that humanity has claimed the heavens as their own. He's shocked.]

[hardboyled]

Star people. Huh, I like that. Way better than aliens. Kinda avoids some of the racist undertones... [Surely that's what Jack was aiming for, right?! Totally.]

You're from the Caribbean?

[bestpirate]

Aliens? [He frowns at that peculiar word. It feels so terrible to mutter and sounds just awful,] Me accent is less than proper but that sounds quite terrible.

So "star people" works best.

[He nods enthusiastically.]

Aye, that I am! I was born off the coast of India but made me home in the Caribbean.

[hardboyled]

[Coast of India? Caribbean? Funny accent? Unusual get up? All seems to be adding up.]

Sooo. Are you actually a pirate? Like a legit one?!

[bestpirate]

Yargh, matey! [He replies with a laugh and a playful smirk. Congrats, Boyle. You've just met an honest to god pirate.]

The name's Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl. She's the fastest ship in the Caribbeans with all black sails.

A real beauty she be.

[hardboyled]

Shiver me timbers! [Pirates are so awesome, it's not fair.]

Is your ship here?! Can I see her?!

[bestpirate]

If meship was here, I would be long gone.

[Jack admits with a slight sigh. Although, he can't stop smiling at this friendly bloke. He seems excited and rightfully so to meet a real pirate.]

What's ye name, sir? You look like the rest of these landluvers but you have a wild side to ya.

[hardboyled]

[Wild?! Holy shit, a pirate captain just said he had a wild side. This is the best day of all time. Now he's just got to try and channel his inner Jake (who's obviously the coolest person in the entire multi-dimensional universe) to make sure he comes across as the coolest dude of all time.]

Charles! But you can call me... [Think of a cool name. Think of a cool name!] ... Charles.

[Well shit.]

You know, Cap'n, there are other ships out there. [GASP!] There's pirate cruises!

[bestpirate]

[That little blunder wins a mighty jovial chuckle from Sparrow.]

Charles is a fine name as it is, sir! A classic English name. There's no need to sully it with a fancy alias.

[He means it. Charles is a better name than most.]

Pirate...cruises? Oh? Wot are those like?

[hardboyled]

[Pirate approves of his name! Still the best day.]

I've never actually been on one, but they're pirate ships! And you get to see dolphins and cannons and sometimes they have a live show. And best of all; there's plenty of drinks. Florida has a whole bunch of them.

[bestpirate]

Pirates and dolphins don't normally mix, matey.

[Jack says with a cheerful chuckle. He likes dolphins and all but those bastards can be quite annoying.]

Had a close call with one once and not like you think.

[Much like the infamous "Sheep" tale he told Adachi regarding some bloke buggering sheep, this tale is something similar but the reverse. It makes him squeamish as hell, so Jack won't tell.]

Did they have rum? If so, Florida sounds splendid!

[hardboyled]

[He's... not sure he should even ask, but Charles knows all about dolphins being dicks. It's the intelligence, okay? Anything smart is a bigger asshole.]

Yuh-huh! Plenty of rum. And great cocktails. Hey! We should go on a pirate cruise!