maskormenace | 001 ☕︎ video

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Great idea! Anonymous angry reviews it is! You should work in PR, you're so good at this.

But that's... that's not what I was suggesting!

Oh! My mistake. You're saying I should make sock puppet accounts pretending to be other big named bloggers, and then drag it's name through the mud! Wow, you're good. Devious, but I like it.

Not that, either! I was suggesting you build your brand and let that speak for itself. You know, use your influence to bring customers in and let them see how bad the other places are.

Huh. I mean I could do that... but that takes time. Anon reviews are so instantaneous, plus I could leave several at a time, pretending to be someone else with each one!

Announcing that you're going to do it to everyone seems a tad counterproductive, though.

Relax! I said the reviews would be anon!

But don't you think they'll be a little suspicious if someone talks about leaving anoymous negative reviews and a bunch of them suddenly pop up?

Okay, okay. I see where you're going with this. And yes. Maybe they could. Maybe you could leave them for me?!

Well, I would charge a fee.

[Diane says a little feebly, hoping that'll stop this train of thought.]

Fair, you're basically selling away your integrity as a writer. [Does that make you feel better, Diane?!]

Well, I've done it once before. I ghostwrote tweets for celebrities at one point. [NO IT DOESN'T EVEN IF SHE HAS BEFORE.]

That's actually pretty awesome. Any cool celebrities?!

A teenage pop music superstar- that was fun. And a close friend of mine, after I wrote his memoirs and he was touring to promote his new movie.

Ooh, so you personally know famous people? Bad ass. And you wrote memoirs. Living that Hollywood life!

Being a ghostwriter could be pretty frustrating, since any credit I got was minimal, but I did get to know some interesting people, too, yes. And helped people connect to celebrities they admire. So it wasn't entirely bad.

Sure, but not getting credit is kinda nice. Leave the spotlight for the charismatic celebrities.

Yeah, I'm OK with anonymity. There's no guarantee that any spotlights I'd end up in would be positive.

Are there any truly positive spotlights? Except stage lighting. In fact, almost all spotlights are amazing when paired with the right level of stage make up.

I guess not- not unless you love being in them, which I certainly don't.

Stage lighting is an art, but you're right, it can make anyone look good.

Yuh-huh, always lookin' good on stage. So, did you know any really famous celebrities? Did you know Dianne Wiest?!

Hmm, well, I did know a few pretty famous people, but I'm not sure you'd have heard of any of them. [A pause, then-] And I don't mean that in a hipster "too obscure for you" kinda way, but they're all humanoid animals. I have yet to meet any of those here.

Ah, so-- wait, humanoid animals?

Mmhmm. Animals in my world all walk upright and are human-sized. They're as intelligent as humans, too.

That's wild! Even dogs? Oh my gosh, can you talk to dogs in your world?!

(no subject)

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