001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[carbonfrozen]

...I think I can find them myself, thanks. There's no shortage of food trucks in any of the cities. [Sorry, Boyle, Han's an asshole. But he does have a question:] But, uh. I'm gonna take someone out on a date soon, she's a real classy type. You know any classy restaurants that still serve good food?

[hardboyled]

[He wants to argue so bad about how any ol' food truck is going to cut it for a first time taco!!!!!!1 But then there's mentions of dates and he has to just bite his fist and get onto the next subject, because omg, love and romance~]

Right now, that's exactly what I'm searching for, and for the precise reason of poor, loved up souls like yourself. I'd be happy to send you a list in the next few days, Cap'n, once I've reviewed a few more places. I kind find you somewhere fit for royalty! [TEEHEE!]

[carbonfrozen]

Yeah, she's real royal, all right.

[A princess twice over! Oh stars Han is so screwed he has to be impressive and cool even though Leia has already caught him doing less impressive things.]

She, uh. [cough cough] Where she's from used to be known as, what did they call it, "the planet of beauty," and they were pretty big on art and nature. If that helps.

[hardboyled]

Oh, that actually does help. First date? Second? Long term?! Married?!

[carbonfrozen]

[The cool smuggler's facade cracks here, the nervousness underneath showing. They get married in the future and have a kid who turns to the Dark Side and Han is freaking out here.]

—first. First date. But we've known each other a while, and she's tried to get me alone a few times. [To talk to you about Rebellion stuff, Han, you dumbass.] Married is—we've got a lot more to worry about besides that.

[hardboyled]

[Well, that sure is intense. Boyle's certainly not rising the the challenge, Han is welcome to the spot of ruggedly handsome alpha, while Charles just averts his gaze and nods along in agreement.]

First date, got it. No need to even think about marriage being on the table just yet.

[And yet he just can't help himself.] But if you ever did want to plan one, it'd be an honor to help, captain.

[carbonfrozen]

[Too late, now Han is screaming silently on the inside.]

I mean, it ain't set in stone, [except for the part where Kylo Ren used to knock around De Chima hahahaha] and right now I just want to make her happy. Adjusting to all of this [and by "this" he means "being dragged to another world out of our galaxy and being stuck on one planet"] isn't easy, I'm trying to ease her in.

[s c r e a m]

...yeah, you'll be the first person I'll talk to if I'm ever in need of a wedding planner. Or a restaurant for another date, if we get one.

[hardboyled]

[Boyle has zero shame in all of this, he's just looking delighted at the fact Han mentions wedding planning. It would truly complete his life to help with the wedding of this couple. But until that time...]

A second date?! I could definitely help with that. You've just got to ensure you don't screw up this first one, Cap'n., for both our sakes.

[carbonfrozen]

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—]

Have a little faith. I'm not gonna screw this one up. [he hopes.]

[hardboyled]

Oh, I absolutely believe you can do this, Cap'n! I have all the faith. Don't forget to follow up your first date with a sensuous evening of shampooing her hair. Always works.