001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[text]

[hardboyled]

Those text chains are still happening?!

Without me????

:(

This is terrible news.

The worst.

I'm so sad rn.

:''''''(

[pop_of_color]

no dum-dum

amy, gina, everyone else aren't here so how could we have a text chain without them here?

ugh why do you have so many fucking feelings? this isn't anything to get sad over

[hardboyled]

You guys excluded me!

Back home.

Whatever.

I'm used to it.

I'm always excluded from everything so I get it.

At least there's barely any of you here to exclude me.

:(

[pop_of_color]

oh my god no there's no story sad enough to make me feel bad for you

you sent like fucking 100 texts in five minutes dude

you deserved to be excluded

[hardboyled]

I always deserve to be excluded.

It's fine.

I get it.

:(

But you won't exclude me here, right???

[pop_of_color]

i will if you keep trying to passive aggressively guilt me into shit

[hardboyled]

Ok!

I'm sorry!

Please don't.

[pop_of_color]

where do they have you holed up

[hardboyled]

Heropa!

Apartments are nice

The sun is less nice.

How about you?

Wait. I'm guessing you're not gonna answer that.

[pop_of_color]

sucker

do you have room mates?

[Nope, she isn't going to tell you where she is. Not yet, anyway.]

[hardboyled]

Three!

They all seem nice.

And attractive.

Have you noticed how good looking most imports are?

[pop_of_color]

names?

yeah, some are pretty hot. [E.g., one Ruby Lucas. Ahem.]

[hardboyled]

Uhm.

Rusty.

Nathan.

And

Lara.

Know any of them???

[pop_of_color]

rusty sounds familiar.

idk i haven't made a big effort to remember names. i just forget shit, like a cool person.

they give you any shit, though, you tell me.

[hardboyled]

[My goodness, Rosa being protective. What a great day this is.]

Ok.

:)

Just don't go murdering anyone plz.

[pop_of_color]

if they deserve to be murdered they should've been smarter

[hardboyled]

I honestly can't argue with that kind of logic.

[pop_of_color]

glad to see the porter didn't make you dumb

[hardboyled]

I just know better than to stop my girl Rosa from exacting well deserved revenge.

I mean Emily.

Idk any Rosa.

Just an Emily here.

[pop_of_color]

i'm not your girl

just fucking .. don't call me anything. don't use any name. just 'hey you.'

[hardboyled]

Oh c'mon

:(

This is a reunion

This is meant to be a joyous occasion!

[pop_of_color]

i am joyous.

don't i seem joyous.

[hardboyled]

Idk

It's kind of hard to tell over text

I'm gonna assume yes!

Just big ol' smiles

[pop_of_color]

cause i do that so often anyway

[hardboyled]

In your own way.