001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[hardboyled]

You're right, it's such an obvious choice! Boy, I'm not so great at this. I'm not sure I'm cut out for the life of villainy.

[storyseeker]

I'm starting to think I am, though. Maybe you're meant to be the hero, then.

[hardboyled]

[Gasp.] Plot twist! I never even saw that coming.

[storyseeker]

[She laughs.] That means it's a good narrative, right? Keeps you on the hook. Tune in next time...

[hardboyled]

I'm totally hooked. This is a story I'm fully invested in. I think I need to create a backstory, y'know, work out my motivations, that sorta thing...

[storyseeker]

Keep me posted, all right? I want to hear the whole thing.

[hardboyled]

It's gotta be something dark. All the best backstories are brutal. Y'know, dead spouses and missing kids, that sorta thing.

[storyseeker]

Or missing spouses and dead...no, too dark.

[hardboyled]

See, this is why you're the villain. But no, really, I like it. Super dark.

[He does his very best to do a gruff action hero voice, it's not all that gruff or impressive, but dangit, he tried.] You murdered my family, and now I'm out for revenge. See, it works!

[storyseeker]

Now I feel bad about it. But if I'm the villain, I guess I have to live up to my reputation and keep a stiff upper lip.

[And maybe get a villainous lair? Maybe Han won't mind if she does some remodeling at home.]

[hardboyled]

Aw, hey, if you feel bad about it, maybe you're not the villain after all!

[storyseeker]

Or maybe that was me trying to trick you by showing a soft side and now I've got you.

[hardboyled]

So crafty! But also, I like this softer side

[storyseeker]

Well, thank you. I kinda like you too...for a filthy hero.

[hardboyled]

Thanks! Y'know, of all the things to put on a high shelf, I think it's gonna be your book of evil deeds. Then you'll be forced to turn good. I just hope it doesn't corrupt my tall henchman because then we'll both be screwed.

[storyseeker]

That's good to know. [She winks.] We'll just have to find out.

[hardboyled]

Oh, you know it. Maybe I can make you something nice sometime soon? Promise I won't even poison it.

[storyseeker]

I think that's an acceptable offer.

[hardboyled]

Any requests? I can try to make just about anything.

[storyseeker]

How about duck a l'orange?

[hardboyled]

A fine choice! I do love a succulent duck.

[storyseeker]

Then we can achieve detente for now.

[hardboyled]

We can but try. Maybe get in touch when you can spare time out of your busy super villain schedule?

[storyseeker]

I'll see if I can squeeze you in between my acts of evil.

[hardboyled]

You're too kind. Wait, no. Uh, you're too evil!