maskormenace | 001 ☕︎ video

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001 ☕︎ video

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

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[He doesn't even cower from the hit this time, in fact he takes it with a smile, even if it's also accompanied by a light "ow" and a light rub at his arm. Punches like that are a good sign, but it's best not to push too far into the feelings and emotional side of stuff, so Boyle's happy to steer towards another subject.]

Oh, hey! What powers did you even get? I bet it was something super cool.

[Okay, Rosa will admit - to herself, that is, not to anyone else - that it's nice having Charles around. It'd be nice having almost anyone from home, except for Scully or Hitchcock, but .. she is pretty glad that Charles showed up. The only two other people she'd have been equally as happy about would've been Jake and Gina.

1 out of 3 isn't too bad.

At his question, she doesn't answer - instead, she reaches into the lining of her leather jacket. When her hand comes back out, it's gripping a sword, then repeats this over and over until she's got an array laid out on the table, including a couple daggers and handle with two blades sticking out, perpendicular to the handle. She glances at him casually before slowly replacing them all into the inside of her leather jacket.]

You?

[He wouldn't have been so surprised were she to pull out several knives, that's just normal for Rosa, but swords that somehow remain hidden in her jacket? Plus a whole arsenal of point things? That's some next level super powers. And yet still very much a perfect fit for her.

Charles gasps, less at the weapons themselves and more at the realisation of what Rosa can do.]

You're like Mary Poppins! Except your carpet bag is a leather jacket. And also your household items are deadly weapons. Basically the same diff. [Mary Poppins Rosa is the best thing of all time and he wants to savour this memory forever.

His powers seem far less impressive compared to the armoury presented to him.]

Me? I taste things. I can also let other people taste things. And apparently I can read the past of things I taste?! It's. Not exactly knives. But... [Shrug. Not knives, but at least these powers are better suited to him.]

You call me Mary Poppins again, and you're getting one of those deadly weapons to the chest. [Mostly a real threat. Maybe not entirely. Not that Boyle needs to know that.]

What do you mean? Everyone can taste things. That's not a super power. [Her faces grows more and more contorted with disgust as he talks, though.] Why would you want to know the past of the things you taste? Does that mean you taste like, the dirt and manure that a potato grew in or some shit?

Not taste the dirt and manure, no, one should already have that sort of awareness from standard eating alone, but I could technically tell where that potato grew through a sort of... memory. [He's still not entirely sure why everyone doesn't find this power instantly awesome, because he's pretty sure it's great, but this is Rosa, and Rosa likes things like pulling swords out of her jacket so maybe...]

Okay, here, imagine a gruesome murder. A whole lot of stabbing, blood everywhere, murder weapon found but no prints or trace back to the killer. These fine tastebuds could find out the killer from the murder weapon thanks solely to nothing but a good tonguing! Pretty cool, right?

[Granted, he's only used it so far to to check if his food is locally sourced, but the potential is there!]

[She's still making her disgusted face.

It isn't getting better. If anything, it's getting worse the more he talks.]

If you say 'tonguing' again, I'm going to stab you in the stomach or cut your tongue off.

Why the fuck would you lick a fucking murder weapon? Aside from completely fucking up the evidence by tampering with it.

Uh. I mean.

[She has a fine point. One that makes way more sense than the concept of licking things, but he stands by his powers!]

I see your point. Definitely. But. What if it's a cold case? Every bit of evidence you could get is already got, and this is the last try at some new clues?! Maybe...

Maybe .... Maybe you should just keep your fucking tongue in your fucking mouth and not ingest fucking 20-year-old blood and hair and whatever from a murder weapon?

So, what, you're gonna go to a crime scene and walk around just shoving every damned thing in your mouth?

You know how that looks, right?

... I guess you're right.

[Way to go, Rosa, you've made him question the coolness of his power now!]

I just thought maybe I could be as helpful as the rest of the imports, y'know, a real hero making a real difference.

[Look, it had to be said.]

Boyle.

[She's taken on a more serious tone (is that possible?) but there's nothing harsh or mean in it.]

You were a damn good cop before. One of the best. And you're going to be a damn good imPort, too. You don't have to go around sticking random shit in your mouth to prove that.

[Oh, what's this? Rosa giving him a pep talk? It's enough to make even the coldest of hearts warm, he's sure of it, and he's giving her a small smile of gratitude.]

Thanks, Rosa. I promise I won't put anything in my mouth without express permission to do so.

[Totally not as dirty as it sounds, he promises.]

I bet you've been doing all sorts of heroic import stuff.

[She's grateful that he isn't making a Big Thing out of this, though his sexual innuendo could've been left out for her benefit. She rolls her eyes as she shifts in her seat, placing one of her feet on the seat next to her, then the other, arms folded over her chest.] Nah. It's been pretty lame.

Befriended a robot and a dude who talks to machines and shit. That's been pretty sweet.

[Look, it's not like the innuendo was on purpose. He can't help his complete lack of self awareness when it comes to saying that kind of shit.]

That is pretty sweet. Speaking of heroics; Jake would love that. This place would blow his mind! We need to work out how to get him here, and the rest of the gang, I guess. But especially Jake!

If I could figure how the fuck the Porter pulls people, Boyle, I would've done it already. The whole precinct. But no one knows how it fucking works.

Yeah, but together we could try. No one can solve mysteries like the nine-nine!

[There's a faint smile.] Yeah, we were the best precinct, hands down.

Maybe even in the Universe, and therefore the best here too. We could totally figure this thing out and bring our friends here against their knowledge and possibly will!

[Beat.]

That sounded wrong...

I mean, we were brought here against our knowledge and will, so fuck it.

Might as well be miserable together. Like in Florida.

[Dammit! He'd been so eager to drag everyone here, somehow, but now stupid morals have got in the way.] All the more reason to not. We don't wanna force the other guys into something they might now want.

[But wait, also...] What about Florida? [Granted he's living there right now, but it's not that miserable.]

When Jake and the Captain went into Witness Protection? ... Because of Jimmy Figus*?

OOC: Figgus? Fighus?

[The blankest of stares.]

... Jake went into Witness Protection?!

..... Yeah ... Got relocated to Florida ...

Did .. you not know that?

I'd remember something like that!

.. Huh.

What's the last thing you remember before you got here?

Uhm. [Thinking so hard on recent life!]

Well, I've started online dating! And... oh! Jake and Amy murdered our newest Captain with their sexy kissing.

001 ☕︎ video

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