001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

How is that not subservience? Do you at least have a safe word?

[hardboyled]

"Please don't hit me" is usually a great safe word. Say it pathetically enough and you'll never get hit.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Mr. Boyle. [He is! Aghast!] You can't be serious.

That is no way to live.

[hardboyled]

I'm really not seeing the problem here, Doctor. It's a Boyle way of life, passed from generation to generation, we're a surprisingly hardy breed, and that's partly thanks to our passive nature.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Survival in no small part due to pity. Mr. Boyle, I appreciate your expertise in rolling over, but surely sometimes you feel the need to grab the bull by the horns -- so to speak?

Sometimes you need to take control.

[hardboyled]

If duty calls for it, sure. I protect and serve. Or, at least I did back home. But sometimes aggression and guns get you no where, and life requires a softer touch. I've actually got really soft hands, just for your info.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Why -- Why would I need to know that? Why is that for my info?

[hardboyled]

I dunno. In case you were wondering? That's a weird thing to ask. [Yes, Chilton, you're the weirdo here.]

[slightlyoffchilt]

I assure you, I have never before thought about your hands. Their texture included.

[hardboyled]

Well, you clearly are now seeing as you can't stop talking about them. You're a married man, Doctor!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Oh my god, how did this happen.

[hardboyled]

I imagine you two met at a bar or somewhere equally social, fell in love, then one proposed to the other in a romantic gesture of soul bonding.

[slightlyoffchilt]

That's -- no. That isn't. I first spoke to her on this Network, she had recently imPorted in. Then we spent a very long time getting intimate.

[Soul bonding???]

That's it.

[Then he did something to piss her off and she tortured him and he proposed.]

[hardboyled]

Ooh, intimate! [Now you've done it, Frederick. You've said the magic word. I hope you're happy.]

Did you shampoo her hair?

[slightlyoffchilt]

[A long, silent pause.]

I meant more. Carnally.

[hardboyled]

There's nothing more carnal than the act of washing your lovers hair! Especially when theres hours upon hours of light, lingering touching leading up to it.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Can we not discuss this? Ever again?

[hardboyled]

You brought it up!

[slightlyoffchilt]

And now I'm putting it away!

[hardboyled]

Fine! But I think you're missing out on some essential knowledge of lovemaking.

[slightlyoffchilt]

You -- are you trying to end this conversation? This is the most advance technique I have ever been unfortunate enough to witness.

[hardboyled]

No! Please don't hang up, I won't mention your gorgeous wife, my soft hands or your sexy time again.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Okay, all right -- as long as you give me your word. In fact -- we can just move on, can't we? Two adult men, not succumbing to the social clumsiness more commonly exhibited between gibbons.

[hardboyled]

Okay, but you've gotta make an effort not to bully me into being more assertive. You've got to see the irony in that.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Aha! You just did an assertive thing, by asking that of me. Well done.