X05 | Text | UN: D33

[d33tached]

Given what you've experienced in this world, would you return to your own if given the choice?

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[ text ]

[ghoulking]

Yes, I would.

[d33tached]

I might have figured as much.

[He's fairly certain they've spoken about this before, in fact. That doesn't make it any easier to swallow.]

You were a King, were you not?

You have a responsibility in your world.

[ghoulking]

I still am, even if the title doesn't mean anything here.

I need to make sure my people are taken care of, I need to make sure they'll live a good life. That's my responsibility. [ kaneki's people are in fact his loved ones. It's selfish and awful, but Kaneki still hasn't been king. He was brought here the moment he took the crown, so he didn't have any time to be King, so his loved ones still take precedence ]

[d33tached]

And what of those that you care for in this world, Kaneki?

[He doesn't mean for it to sound accusatory - it's a simple question.]

[ghoulking]

I know they will be okay.

Better, at least. [ despite everything going on, this is still a better place than Kaneki's world ]

[d33tached]

[Somehow, D33 isn't quite sure he believes the same.]

Considering your connections, I have no doubt that you would be sorely missed.

Though, I suppose once you return home, you'll have no memory of this place or of your connections.

No matter, then.

[ghoulking]

[ D33, are you being salty? Because you sound a bit salty. ]

It does matter.

While I'm set on this hypothetical decision, it'd still be a difficult decision to make. Exactly because of the people I'd leave and forget.

[d33tached]

[It's more like he can't imagine his life here without you the more time you two spend together.

[So, yeah. Salty. Just a bit.]

Once things are all said and done, Kaneki, you will be remembered and they will be forgotten.

I suppose the same would go for any one of us ImPorts. That is assuming that every one of us will return to our home worlds one day.

[A thought that he dreads above all others.]

[ghoulking]

[ kaneki understands that, he does. But he thinks D33 would be quite well without him; most, if not all, would- Kaneki isn't important, after all. ]

That has always happened. Here and before. But we go on, too. [ he has lost so many people by now, he has been forgotten many times, and he's still here regardless. ]

[>Private]

[d33tached]

Yes, I understand that.

[Okay, now he definitely sounds salty. And then the feed abruptly switches to private.]

Call me selfish if you will, Kaneki, but I have no hopes that you might return to your world any time soon.

That's all I will say on the matter.

[>Private]

[ghoulking]

[ ... Dee... ]

I know. And I understand, I do. I'm sorry, Dee.

I do want to stay here a bit longer, though.

[d33tached]

[A "bit" longer.

[But as if D33's anyone to talk about abandoning people, right?]

You've nothing to apologize for.

You answered my question truthfully.

[He just didn't like the answer (even if he already knew what it would be).]

[ghoulking]

I did, but I realize what it means.

If we took control of Lachesis tomorrow and all imports could be sent home, I would not go now. Not for a while. I would have to go back eventually, but not so soon.

[d33tached]

[Luckily, D33 thinks (bitterly, of course), that won't be happening any time soon.]

Why?

You've just finished speaking on the importance of what you have to do in your home world.

Why hesitate, then?

[ghoulking]

[ "Because of you" but as usual Kaneki doesn't say something like that. Because of D33 and because - ]

This world is important too. I have many people I hold dear, here.

[d33tached]

[Just not as important, D33 thinks. It's not a fair thought. It's bitter and selfish as most of D33's thoughts tend to be. Perhaps it's just difficult to see things from Kaneki's perspective because, if given the choice to return home or remain in this world with one or two people that he holds dear, well. The choice would be obvious, and it wouldn't be like Kaneki's.]

I suppose the point is moot either way.

There's no telling when one might return to their own world.

I was only curious as to what others might have to say on the matter.

[ghoulking]

[ the point is moot, he says. Dee is angry, Kaneki knows that. He didn't mean to make the man angry, but it seems he has a knack for it at times. ]

I know. I'm sorry my answer isn't what you wanted to hear.

[d33tached]

Stop apologizing.

[So, yeah. He's a little angry.]

[ghoulking]

[ ... He fucked up again ]

Alright.

[ kaneki always does something to screw things up, he knows that. It happened before and now again, and it'll be a matter of time until he does it again because no matter how hard kaneki tries to pretend he is perfect for D33, he knows he is not and he can't always keep it up.

He doesn't know if D33 will be coming home that night but it wouldn't surprise him if he didn't. Kaneki will have to find a way to apologize and make up for this mess. ]

[>Action]

[d33tached]

[Of course, D33 does come home that night. He might be irritated, but he's certainly not "storm off and brood in the dark" angry. By the time he makes it back to the farmhouse (rather late because, well, he had to do some brooding), he's more tired than anything. He makes a beeline for he and Kaneki's bedroom, half expecting the ghoul not to be there when he enters (the thought of which causes his chest to tighten anxiously). When he does see Kaneki - poised at his computer, as usual - D33 stiffens at first, jaw clenching a bit.

[It really isn't Kaneki's fault that D33's spent the night bitterly mulling over the idea of losing him. It makes sense that he'd want to return to his home world - wouldn't most people? But D33 is selfish. He's selfish and never before in his life has he had something to lose. And losing Kaneki now-- That might as well be losing everything.

[The thought burns in his chest as he stands there, silently watching the ghoul for a moment before he finally lets out a sigh and crosses the room, puts a hand on either one of Kaneki's shoulders, and leans down to kiss the top of his head. He stays there for a moment, nose buried in the ghoul's white hair, just breathing him in, holding on to what he has while he has it. But it should still be clear that is bothering him. D33 doesn't recover from anger that quickly.]

[ghoulking]

[ Kaneki is trying to work, but honestly it's hard when he is worried about their fight. He presses the letters but doesn't write the right things, and ends up having to write the same sentence twice. While he does so, he pays attention to any noise he might hear, footsteps, or someone's breathing, waiting -hoping- for D33 to come home. When he does hear him come up the stairs, Kaneki stiffens but remains at the computer, pretending to work.

And finally he comes on, and that means, of course, kaneki will glance over his shoulder back at the man. When the ghoul finally feels his kiss, he is relieved, in a sad lonely way since he knows why D33 is angry and he knows he has reason to be. With a sigh of his own, Kanek moves while still on his chair, so he can reach for his lover. Hands wrap around D33's torso and he buries his face against his stomach next.

Kaneki won't apologize anymore, but he is sorry. So sorry ]

[d33tached]

[D33 stands there for a long moment, hunched over with his face in Kaneki's hair, with Kaneki's face pressed against his stomach. The silence feels deafening. D33 is used to being angry. He's used to being rude and getting into arguments. He's used to upsetting people and feeling little, if not nothing, in regard to it.

[What he isn't used to is the way that he feels when he sees Kaneki's soft, sad expression - an unfamiliar, gnawing guilt that brings his arms down around the man's shoulders to pull him in more closely. And he mutters, pride swallowed:]

I care a great deal for you, Kaneki.

[It's less an apology and more a statement of fact - something that should be obvious by now, he thinks. But, deep down he knows that if even he is surprised by the revelation, Kaneki might be as well. It's worth saying. It's the truth.

[It's alright.]

[ghoulking]

[ the silence remains and it's so heavy and almost painful. But when he hears Dee's words, it's even more so.

It's ironic, really, that after his conversation with Odin about pretending to be someone else, about wearing masks, Kaneki is one of those people who continuously wears one, specially when people get close to him. In his uneasiness not to lose D33 before he realized how ugly Kaneki really is inside, Kaneki built a perfect mask he hoped that would be enough. The rule was never to show D33 his demons and how empty he is, and to always be perfect while hiding all of those ugly imperfections. Sometimes it's hard because of course people notice, and that originates ripples like this fight he just had with D33.

He does it because he is afraid he will lose him -- no, Kaneki is certain he will lose D33 the moment he realizes what an empty ugly thing Kaneki is. But it's so unfair to do this too, to let him believe there is any essence inside him to the point he even says out loud he cares for Kaneki. How unfair. Kaneki, who does care for D33 so much, who likes him to the point it's probably love, he can't let this continue while he pretends he's still perfect.

It's the end. ]

Dee- [ no. ] Dee-Thirty-Three. [ Kaneki releases him slowly and puts some space between the two of them as he moves on his chair ] You don't.

[d33tached]

[Somehow, it's the correction of his name - D-thirty-three, not "Dee" - that D33 finds the most jarring. Above all things, D33 has always loathed that name - "Dee". And yet, from Kaneki's mouth, it had somehow become bearable to D33's ears - sweet, even. Desired. Now, as the ghoul reclaims it and pulls away, the sound of his preferred name leaves his stomach twisting.

[He straightens where he stands, brow furrowing for a moment, confused. Then, his expression shifts back into annoyance - anger, even. "You don't," he says.]

That isn't for you to decide.

[His voice comes out firm, stern, almost scolding.

[It's hypocritical, honestly, to be so offended by the accusation. After all, how many times had he told K31 that very thing. "I love you," she'd said. "Dee, I love you."

["No, you don't."

[It had been true when he had said it. Because D33 is always right. He knows better. Usually, he's so sure of it that he simply won't be told otherwise. But what really hurts him now, what shakes him, is that when it comes to something like this - when it comes to love - D33 has never been so uncertain.

[Telling Kaneki that he cared for him hadn't just been a statement of fact, no matter how much D33 might like to think so. It had been a confession, an all-too-rare act of trust. How dare the ghoul try to thwart that now? How dare he tell him he's wrong? How dare he make him doubt himself like this?

[D33 simply won't have it. He's said it, he's made up his mind, he's not about to let it go.]

If you do not return those affections, Kaneki, then say so, but do not speak as though you have decided my feelings for me.

[That's not how his life works anymore. No one is allowed to do that anymore.]

[ghoulking]

[ kaneki shakes his head while his chest feels like it's about to explode, like he will just turn into nothingness and finally be gone. It's hard to formulate words and it's hard to speak and it'll be hard to explain too, but this time he will give the man a reason. It's the least he can do; never before Kaneki gave anyone a reason to why he pushed them away (before they pushed him), but this time he will ]

You need to understand. I'm... nothing. [ he is called so many things and people look at him in such different ways, but ultimately none of them is right. because Kaneki is truly nothing. He is disqualified from being anything. Not human, not ghoul, not a child, not a father, not a mentor, not a friend, not a lover. Not a person. ]

I really wanted to be something for you and I wish that something was true, but I'm so fucked up. [ Kaneki smiles but it's not a happy smile. It's a broken one, so broken that it's hardly recognizable as a smile of any kind ] That's all I am. And no matter how hard I try to be perfect for you, it's just a lie, don't you see? [ of course he does. He might not have seen then, but there is no excuse not to see now ]

You care for something that isn't there.