001. video

[calloused]

[ Amidst candidacy announcements for Ambassadorship and thought-provoking questions aimed at the viewer comes this garbage.

The video opens deep in the woods outside of Nonah, and there stands a particularly grumpy dude, staring down at the camera like he's three or four seconds away from breaking his comm in half. There are children around him. So many children. A dozen boys, aged six to nine, all of them in scout uniforms, screaming at the top of their lungs, hitting each other with sticks, throwing dirt at each other, generally causing havoc. One of them throws a milkshake at another boy, who screams and cries. Where did he get a milkshake? Who cares. It's the other kid's now. Seeing as he's wearing it.

The angry dude is pointedly ignoring all of them. ]

I don't want these. I don't--

[ A kid runs past and he grabs it by the collar. It giggles, and the dude holds the little shit up to the camera. ]

I'm giving these away. I don't want them. Who wants these? There are twelve.

[ this is how you be a scout leader ]

Comments

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[plasticbow]

You can't just give kids away.

Are they even yours?

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[calloused]

Yes.

[ a pause. ]

From 1PM to 3PM.

[canonized_demon]

I don't think you can just give kids away dude. [Although shit, she'd be tossing the little monsters in bins and kicking them down stairs if she had to go through what he was.]

[calloused]

Really? Weird. Sure feels like that's what I'm doing.

[ he sets the kid back down. lets it run off and bite some other kid on the arm. good job. ]

You want one or not?

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[journalkeeper]

...I think the fact that you want to give them away is a very good reason for why you shouldn't be responsible for them.

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[calloused]

Not arguing that.

[ one of the kids behind him starts shovelling dirt and bugs in his own pants and derek just. like, what the fuck is he supposed to do about this. he puts his face in his hands and looks back to the camera. ]

I'm not charging anything for them.

audio

[devoutish]

Well, mate, there's your first mistake - when you don't want the job, what you do is not show up to work.

audio

[calloused]

[ this is a good point. derek pauses. shit. he could have just stayed home. damn it. god. ]

Solid advice. Great work.

You want a kid or not?

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[izanyagi]

[Yu's seen even rowdier kids.]

...were you asked to take are of them?

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[calloused]

[ he throws his hands up, slightly frustrated. one of the kids behind him is singing and it's off-key and terrible. ]

Told to.

One of them has a geology badge. For rocks. You like rocks? He'll get you a rock.

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[articulations]

Don't they have parents? Unless you've been busy.

Video

[calloused]

[ "unless you've been busy"? derek frowns. this... this could imply many things. many things. ]

They aren't mine.

[ he pauses. ]

I didn't kill their parents.

[ he pauses again. ]

Their parents won't be here for an hour, though. So I might. I might kill their parents.

[hellosirs]

[ Oh boy, this right here? This is why Angus has been avoiding elementary school! ]

Sir, you can't give kids away like party favours, I'm pretty sure that counts as reckless child endangerment!

[calloused]

[ is this--

is this one of his? derek frowns. ]

I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

[ well. ]

Why aren't you with the others?

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[drivesadesk]

Aw, they're adorable!

[Tiny humans!]

You shouldn't give them away, though. You never know when someone might be a lizard person planning on doing experiments on them.

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[calloused]

No, they're not.

[ well, rude. but wait, more importantly - ]

Wh... at.

"Lizard people"? Are they here? Are they a threat?

[calloused]

I can't find one. I've already looked.

[ not a lie? not a lie. ]

You want a kid?

Voice

[bindsthedead]

Children aren't that hard to deal with. [Boys can't be that much more of a handful than girls, can they?]

You just need impose some discipline and give them something to focus on.

Voice

[calloused]

These ones are.

[ argumentative. just for the sake of being argumentative. ]

They laughed when I yelled at them. [ he sounds bitter. ] What do kids focus on?

[morethan084]

[Definitely not what Daisy was expecting to see on here.]

Well, they're kids not dogs. So I'm not sure you can just give them away.

[calloused]

Watch me.

[ he barks that out, angry. it would be a lot more intimidating if some kid hadn't just walked over and started putting dirt in derek's pocket just for fun. derek stares at the camera and pretends not to notice.

he can't pretend for long, and deflates. ]

I will literally pay you to take them. All of them.

[restingstitchface]

Oh, I'll take that angry one who's fond of lobbing things around. Never let it be said I lack an affinity for children.

[calloused]

Okay.

[ he pauses. and changes his mind. he was venting, he didn't think anyone would actually do it. ]

No.

You're weird.

[ he pauses again. ]

Did you mean me? Am I the angry one? I'm usually the angry one.

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[heisenbitch]

Jesus, yo, what the hell is wrong with you?!

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[calloused]

[ dude's tone is pointed. derek just sort of stares at him for a second. ]

I'm annoyed.

[video]

[curiosityvoyage]

[Hey, Derek, did you want to see yet another kid?

Too bad, because now there's another kid on your communicator, a few years older than the boy scouts, and he looks like he's kind of judging both the other kids and Derek as well.]

I'm pretty sure that's not allowed. [A pause.] Guess that's one way to get yourself fired, though.

[video]

[calloused]

[ WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF YOU ]

Everyone keeps saying that, but nobody's tried to actually stop me.

[ derek realizes very quickly that he shouldn't actually justify giving away people's children. to a child. he scratches the back of his neck and moves on. ]

You an imPort? That's weird. You're tiny.

[pickledturncoat]

Have you tried sending them back where they came from?

Wave your hands at them and say SHOO GO HOME.

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[itssacrifice]

Have you tried returning them to their parents?

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[calloused]

Parents are coming in an hour.

[ he rubs at his face. headache. ]

I'm not taking care of these things for another hour.

VIDEO

[pummelgranite]

I'll take the three strongest.

VIDEO

[calloused]

[ Derek-- hesitates. why do so many people actually want to steal his stupid ugly kids ]

That's a... that's a specific request.

What do you want them for?

[symphonyinme]

Where did you steal them from!?

[calloused]

[ ugh. loud. why are moms always loud, derek wonders. this lady's a mom, right? she looks like a mom. get a load of this Loud Mom over here. ]

That's on a need to know basis. I'm not exactly fielding questions right now.

How many kids can I put you down for? I heard it's bad form to split up a litter, so. Twelve?

Video; User name Link

[breaks_pots]

And yet another tiny child. This one as tiny as the ones around him and dressed in green. Biggest difference being the three inch pointed ears that stuck out from his head.

He stared at the screen in open awe and excitement. Pointed to himself and pointed at the camera.

Children his size and the woods? Wherever Derek was, he wanted to be there!

Video;

[calloused]

[ Oh. Oh, no. No. No, no, no. ]

No.

[ Thirteen. That'd make thirteen kids to look after. Derek looks over his shoulders just in time to see one of the stupider ones try and eat a bug. Hrgurghg. He drags his hands down his face and looks back to the video.

He's too soft for his own good. ]

Okay. Okay, fine. We're in the woods outside of Nonah. Can you get here on your own?

Voice;

[foralways]

I do not think simply giving away children on the network is ethical...or legal.

Voice;

[calloused]

Probably not.

[ and yet, here we are. ]

Their parents have probably house-trained them. Probably got all their shots. You can just take one. No responsibilities required.

[d33tached]

I don't suppose you've tried simply leaving them in the woods to fend for themselves.

[calloused]

Considering it.

[ well. ]

I'm going to live out here, though. They'll make too much noise.