maskormenace | 3 ⚡ TEXT

UN: FLASH

[ for the first time since his arrival, the flash graces the network at lunchtime. it's a good thing this isn't paper-based. there'd be crumbs everywhere ... as well as ketchup and a soft drink stain. the flash may be the fastest man alive, but he's still a klutz. ]

ROGUES WANTED

SEEKING: ROGUES SPECIALIZING IN COLD, HEAT, BAD JOKES, MUSIC* TO KEEP THE FLASH ON HIS TOES AND IN FIT CONDITION FOR COLD, HEATWAVE, TRICKSTER, AND PIPER TO RETURN.

MUST HAVE: GREAT SENSES OF HUMOR, ABILITY TO ACCEPT PEP TALKS, ABILITY TO GIVE PEP TALKS, AND ROGUES WHO ARE COMFORTABLE COMING OVER FOR CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A ROGUE? LET US KNOW NOW! AND BY US I MEAN JUST THE FLASH

NAME:

GENERATION:

TOP 5 SKILLS

TOP 5 WEAKNESSES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE "ENEMY"** OF A "HERO"*** BEFORE?

FAVORITE BEYONCE SONG?

WHICH SPICE GIRL ARE YOU MORE LIKE?

HOBBIES?

ARE YOU USEFUL AT RELOCATING MEMORIES? ASKING FOR A FRIEND:

* THE FLASH HAS LOST ALL OF HIS ROGUES :'( I LOVE YOU GUYS
** ENEMY IS DEFINED AS SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO PULL THE METAPHORICAL PIGTAILS OF THE FLASH, NOT SOMEONE WHO IS TRULY AN ENEMY OR A BAD PERSON
*** HERO IS DEFINED AS SOMEONE WHO THE ROGUES THINK OF AS A HERO, NOT SOMEONE WHO IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE

[ if you want to apply, fill in this easy-to-fill in form:

please note that acceptance as a rogue doesn't guarantee you will be invited to his vip beyonce concert tour. this right is reserved for iris west-allen and his original rogues ... ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Oh wait, that's public. Hal frantically mashes delete. There's a high chance Barry will see it and get a reply through before it gets deleted, but hopefully he can avoid having anyone else see it...]

Don't worry I got it!

But seriously, what are you doing?!?!!!

HEY DUDE o/

[ there's a long moment of silence that lasts approximately forty five seconds. ]

I DON'T KNOW ANYONE BY THE NAME OF BARRY BUT I HEAR THAT HE'S A SUPER BIG FAN

[ nailed it way too late. ]

Dude, it's me Hal.

[ hal will see "..." pop up numerous times, almost one set of "..." on top of the other. it's an uncharacteristic minute of silence before ... ]

HAL!
HEY MAN

[ please don't remove his friendship as #1 on your friendship list for this. this message comes right on top of the other, but in barry's world, it was a five minute break. ]

HAL WHO?

[The initial reply taking so long is already sending off warning bells for Hal. Barry's never on time when it comes to meeting up, but he's always prompt with his messages.]

Is the relocating memories thing about yourself? What happened?

[ barry really does consider telling hal nothing is wrong, but ... ]

A LOT OF STUFF HAPPENED
BEYONCE LEFT DESTINY'S CHILD
JOE WEST HATES ME
I CAN'T REMEMBER IRIS' FAVORITE FLOWER
I DOUBT IT'S IRIS
THAT'S TOO ON THE NOSE
I STILL LIVE AT HOME

A LOT OF THINGS HAVE HAPPENED, HAL :(

[ they may not be friends in the earth-1 universe, but barry's gut, which fluctuates at the best of times, is telling him to throw these balls at hall and see which one sticks ... hal seems to know him. no one knows barry allen is the flash except everyone who knows barry allen is the flash! ]

[He can't tell if it's the capslock that makes this look panicky or if he's genuinely freaking out.]

If you show up to your date on time Iris won't even care about flowers.

[That's the only thing he's got. He can't help with anything else.]

[ hal ... you hope for something impossible ... barry being on time ... ]

YOU KNOW IRIS?

[ wait ... ]

I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT IRIS
I ALWAYS SHOW UP ON TIME FOR MY DATES WITH IRIS
OR I WOULD THINK I WOULD IF I GOT TO DATE IRIS
NOT THAT I COULDN'T DATE IRIS
OR THAT I'M NOT ON TIME WHEN I DO HAVE A DATE
I AM
MOST OF THE TIME
UNLESS I HAVE FLASH BUSINESS THEN I'M SOMETIMES LATE, SOMETIMES EARLY
MOSTLY LATE, THOUGH ...

[ PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. use your ring on him, hal, use it! ]

You told me about Iris? You're kidding me. I had to find out about her when she called to invite me to your birthday party! AND she knew all about me. It's bros before hoes not the other way round!! You didn't even tell me you broke up with Patty! I know I barely spend any time on Earth these days, but come on I'm your best friend!

And I hope you've finally manned up and told her.

[Instead of stopping him, Hal is just going to join him.]

[ when barry is back to normal, he's going to promote hal to bestest out-of-this-world friend just for being a champ about barry's loserdom. ]

WHEN IT COMES TO IRIS IT'S IRIS BEFORE BROS BEFORE HOES
I'M SORRY I DISAPPOINTED YOU :(

PATTY ...
YES ...
I BROKE UP WITH HER
AND LINDA TOO
ALTHOUGH I THINK LINDA DUMPED ME
KIND OF UNSURE, I HAVE TO CHECK THE FANFIC HERE AND SEE WHAT THE GENERAL CONSENSUS IS

[ he's not joking. please dump him as a friend immediately. ]

I TOLD IRIS
BUT THEN I MAY HAVE UNTOLD HER
CONTINUITIES ARE A BIT TRICKY WHEN YOU'RE ME
BUT I'LL INVITE YOU TO THE WEDDING
YOU CAN BE THE RING BEARER

[ the irony. ]

[There was another girl he didn't know about? Are they even friends?]

Linda? Any other ex-gfs I should know about? How the hell did you have that much time to get laid? Nerds can't be that popular I don't care what Hollywood says.

[Barry's a square, there's no way he should be more popular with the ladies than him, an actual pilot even if he's never on Earth these days and he's been pining for someone else.]

That was a bad joke and you should feel bad so I'll do you a favor and pretend I didn't see that.

BECKY COOPER WAS MY GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL
WE DON'T MENTION HER AROUND IRIS

[ his finger is currently pressed to his chin. he only remembers becky cooper from a very vague memory, and a fanfic that had her turn into a snake. ]

I'M THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE
NOT WHERE IT COUNTS THOUGH
SOMETIMES I GET MY CHORES DONE AND I HAVE LOTS OF FREE TIME TO SPEND WITH PEOPLE
NOT ALWAYS GETTING LAID
SOMETIMES EATING OUT

And apparently zero time to send me updates.

[He needs a bit more time to cool off about that.]

Is that what you mean by not where it counts?

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