un: anonymous

[flightforfreedom]

[ There are some times that Poe is thankful for his powers. This, being able to ask his communicator to scramble his ID so that he can post anonymously, is one of them. He doesn't do this often. But something has been bothering him more and more, lately. ]

has there ever been something, or a multiple somethings, that you did that at the time you knew was right, and just, but then later - maybe after coming here - now makes it a little harder to sleep at night?

a lot of us come from places where we had to do a lot of shit we wish we didn't

but we could still tell ourselves we were doing the right thing

and i still think i was doing the right thing

but here i meet ghosts and i can't help but wonder if there wasn't another way

how do you deal with it, when you can't justify everything to yourself anymore? and that's not a rhetorical question, i honestly want to know




do you think earth has made you a better or a worse person

Comments

[articulations]

How do you deal with it? You just do. Because nothing is going to change what you did. Nothing is going to erase the decision you made that cost thousands and thousands their lives.

And nothing is going to change the decisions you make in the future.

Has earth made me a better or worse person? I can't say. Being here, I feel like I don't know who I am. One might think we're living a lie.

[flightforfreedom]

[ Leia.... ]

honestly don't know what my count is

think i can safely put it above thousands, though


it didn't used to bother me

enemy combatants, right? we were fighting the good fight

and i still believe that - no matter how many deaths i'm responsible for, if i hadn't done what i did, it would have been a hell of a lot more

i know i can't change it
just kind of wish i could stop thinking about it




why do you think you're living a lie?

[articulations]

Don't think of it as a pissing contest. If you think about the count, equal human and alien life alike to numbers, that makes the guilt worse. If you were involved in a war, that number is going to be high no matter what.

The enemy probably thought the same thing. The good fight. There is no such thing as the good fight. Fighting to survive and fighting for peace and freedom, to end the oppression, that's all it is about.

And you're going to keep thinking about it. There's no other way around this. Survivor's guilt isn't something to take lightly.


Some consider this as a vacation. Everything back home won't move forward when we're missing from it. It just doesn't feel right to me. Still. There are people here that we shouldn't have ever met.

[flightforfreedom]

i'm not talking about a pissing contest. i just don't know how many deaths i'm responsible for

and that didn't use to bother me

but it sure as hell does now


i know i was fighting the good fight
i know i was
not just survival or peace or freedom although it was all of those things too

but the people who deserved what happened didn't actually get caught in the blast

the people who should have died weren't the ones that did


trust me i'm not taking this lightly i just
i don't know

want to be able to sleep again



that's the only good thing to come out of this place, to be honest
meeting people it would have been impossible to, otherwise

[articulations]

If you're responsible then you're responsible. There's nothing that's going to change that. You know what you're doing when you go into war. You know the consequences. No one goes in thinking they'll win and escape the mental toll it takes on you.

The people that should've died, they will. It won't be when you want them to but their lives will eventually expire just the same. It'll be a long fight. Just have hope.

I'm not saying you are. I know, personally, how hard it can be.

If you'd like, I can meet with you. I can sit with you until you fall asleep. Company helps me when I suffer through the insomnia and can't shut my brain off.


Sure. It has its perks.