maskormenace | un: anonymous

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[ There are some times that Poe is thankful for his powers. This, being able to ask his communicator to scramble his ID so that he can post anonymously, is one of them. He doesn't do this often. But something has been bothering him more and more, lately. ]

has there ever been something, or a multiple somethings, that you did that at the time you knew was right, and just, but then later - maybe after coming here - now makes it a little harder to sleep at night?

a lot of us come from places where we had to do a lot of shit we wish we didn't

but we could still tell ourselves we were doing the right thing

and i still think i was doing the right thing

but here i meet ghosts and i can't help but wonder if there wasn't another way

how do you deal with it, when you can't justify everything to yourself anymore? and that's not a rhetorical question, i honestly want to know

do you think earth has made you a better or a worse person

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Someone important to me could have avoided a lot of pain if I had been more observant.

It wouldn't really have made a difference in the ultimate outcome, though. Thinking about it hasn't been very productive.

Earth has caused some more problems, including a lack of clarity. I'm not sure how to solve that from my position.

Feels like I could have written this post in my sleep.

If by 'earth' you mean this Earth, I know I've learned a lot from being here. Including how to do better than I used to.

When you've come from the middle of a war zone, like I have, there's a lot of things you might wish you hadn't done.

Seconds before I showed up here, I fired a shot that, on the one hand, helped win us the war, but on the other, killed countless people instantly. Many of whom were likely independent contractors, guilty of no crime besides just trying to do their jobs.

Do I regret it? No, because it will have been worth it to end the war.

Does it still keep me up at night, thinking about it? You bet.

How do you deal with it? You just do. Because nothing is going to change what you did. Nothing is going to erase the decision you made that cost thousands and thousands their lives.

And nothing is going to change the decisions you make in the future.

Has earth made me a better or worse person? I can't say. Being here, I feel like I don't know who I am. One might think we're living a lie.

All the damn time.

The things I know were wrong now keep me up nights too.

I'm from Earth. A different version, but still Earth: same general geography, mostly the same history, same shitty cafeteria food. I think ultimately that last question is up to you.

Edited 2018-05-13 15:32 (UTC)

The fact that you're even asking these questions, it makes me wonder if you're stuck in a PTSD cycle.

I'm from earth, back home. This one is just a different version for me. I don't think it's the planet that makes us better or worse, it's the decisions we make or don't make. I've made a lot of bad one's. Not here. But it was bad back home.

I only have myself to blame.

[ Nate could blame Sam, if he wanted. His older brother dragged him into things. Sam knew how to play him into getting him into wanting to tag along, that and it was either go the rebel route or end up in another orphanage or worse. ]

[It figures, that this is the first ID that sends a reply. The will of the Force, maybe. It makes him a little queasy.]

pretty sure that isn't on you
missing something, no matter what it is - that's different than an active choice

and yeah. especially if noticing wouldn't have changed things anyway
thinking about it doesn't help

earth definitely seems to muddle stuff
but maybe it was always that muddled and we just weren't able to see it

so what is it that you do that makes you do better

[ Well, this seems to be coming up a lot lately. ]

Like Lando said, destroying so many lives, especially lives of those that did nothing against us personally, but were just doing the job they signed up for, is never easy to accept.

War is hard. Suddenly stopping when you're right in the middle of it is even harder. There's no switch you can flip and say you're just a civilian now; it takes time, and it's up to us to learn how to use that time.

As for this place? I don't know what to tell you. It's less the planet itself and more the opportunities it presents to us; the chance to learn things that we may well have never known, to meet people that even the Force can't show us.

[Lando's ID. He let out a breath. This was one person who would almost certainly understand exactly how Poe felt. Or if not exactly, pretty damn close.]

yeah

i don't even want to think about how many maintenance crew i've killed

but pretty sure my shot didn't end a war so much as ensure the start of one

Edited 2018-05-13 15:53 (UTC)

[ Leia.... ]

honestly don't know what my count is

think i can safely put it above thousands, though

it didn't used to bother me

enemy combatants, right? we were fighting the good fight

and i still believe that - no matter how many deaths i'm responsible for, if i hadn't done what i did, it would have been a hell of a lot more

i know i can't change it
just kind of wish i could stop thinking about it

why do you think you're living a lie?

yeah.

alright let me rephrase
since coming here

this place in particular

where we can talk to people who should have been dead

yeah, well
probably

keep meaning to find a therapist
promised i would
just never seems to quite work out

i don't really mean the planet, i use it as shorthand to mean here
this earth
the one where we can meet literal ghosts

what about decisions that you had to make
where you live with the consequences either of action or inaction
and there's just as much death on either side

depends. getting bogged down in what ifs and imaginary scenarios instead of what was real and happened will only hold you back, though sometimes you get forced into it as well even if you think you had a choice you have to come to terms with what happened and accept it as a mistake you won't make again, even if it was so bad that things will never be the same again unless it was something like taking out a planet? then you're fucked and kind of deserve it, mate

Ah, broken promises. Been there. Has anyone told you that sounds like an excuse?

You got one up on me, pal. I haven't met any ghosts yet.

I'd tell you then you're pooched either way. That's set to be a lose/lose situation. Doesn't matter if you do or don't, you're still literally screwed.

I'm guessing the incidents you're talking about didn't seem like a choice at the time either. You see only one path and take it.

I'm still not sure how to look for better ones, but I want to.

[Even more than Lando, Luke's parallel to Poe's own situation is extremely clear.

He has no idea how many people were on Starkiller, but he has to imagine it's at least as much as the Death Star. And Luke's shot didn't end a war.

He was hoping this post would help him feel better.

It isn't.]

i didn't even think twice about it, at the time
the stakes were too high

i figured a year would be enough time to adjust but i think it's just getting worse instead

and that's basically what i meant
not the planet itself but
the porter
the people on it

Don't think of it as a pissing contest. If you think about the count, equal human and alien life alike to numbers, that makes the guilt worse. If you were involved in a war, that number is going to be high no matter what.

The enemy probably thought the same thing. The good fight. There is no such thing as the good fight. Fighting to survive and fighting for peace and freedom, to end the oppression, that's all it is about.

And you're going to keep thinking about it. There's no other way around this. Survivor's guilt isn't something to take lightly.

Some consider this as a vacation. Everything back home won't move forward when we're missing from it. It just doesn't feel right to me. Still. There are people here that we shouldn't have ever met.

okay but what if that planet had blown up five other planets like hours before that

[ aka: hi buddy please don't leave me out to dry like this ]

What if you can't even tell yourself you were doing the right thing? After you come to the sudden realization you are, in fact, a reprehensible person?

What if you still do the things you wish you hadn't, but now for the 'right' reasons? Does it make you any less reprehensible?

How to deal with it? You drink a lot.

[He types surprisingly well for a drunk person doesn't he?]

Earth is just another planet with plethora of cantinas. Whether you're a better or a worse person depends on you, not your location.

[ ... ]

Barring any life-altering cataclysmic events that is.

oh hey poe i was kind of hoping you were megatron cause i super wanna punch his face off still i guess that makes it less black and white? megatron destroyed planets just to take their resources and for his own gain that kinda sounded like maybe it was for the best it got blown up? and that you didn't have a choice, like i said what brought this on?

no, they didn't

they still don't

if i hadn't done it, i'd have more blood on my hands than i do now
action or inaction was going to result in a lot of death, no matter what

doesn't seem to help, though

so what would you be doing now, if you could

i'm not talking about a pissing contest. i just don't know how many deaths i'm responsible for

and that didn't use to bother me

but it sure as hell does now

i know i was fighting the good fight
i know i was
not just survival or peace or freedom although it was all of those things too

but the people who deserved what happened didn't actually get caught in the blast

the people who should have died weren't the ones that did

trust me i'm not taking this lightly i just
i don't know

want to be able to sleep again

that's the only good thing to come out of this place, to be honest
meeting people it would have been impossible to, otherwise

they don't need to, i already know it
but no native is going to get it
the scale is just impossible, to them.

well i've met way too many
kind of glad for it, in a weird way, but it definitely makes this harder

yeah
at the time i didn't even think about it, though
not sure what that says about me

yeah, trust me, tried the drinking thing already
and the fucking every stranger i could find

not the healthiest coping mechanisms and i'm trying to find something else

i think the reasons behind actions make a difference

if they didn't, i'd be a monster

but i have to believe that taking lives to save more of them is a lot different than taking lives to gain power
i have to

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