01 ▷ video

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Hello, network. The feed opens up to shelves and shelves of stuff -- stereos, power tools, appliances, speakers, the works. You name it, you see it. There's even a display rack of guitars hanging on one wall along with amplifiers. And, whoa, hey, was that a horse from a carousel? What the heck?

Today you'll be treated to the dulcet tones of Rupert Holmes' voice as he sings "Escape," though the music is indistinct and soft, almost as if it were playing over headphones. ]

Okay, look-- [ The camera flips around to a dude looking pretty aggravated, and-- oh, hey, those headphones we mentioned earlier are hanging around his neck. ] --I've only been working here for, like, a day or two? But I think it's time for some serious changes. So we're implementing a new rule at the pawn shop, alright? If you're gonna mess around with the guitars, the following songs are now banned.

[ He ticks them off on his fingers as he names them: ]

"Smoke on the Water." "Sweet Child of Mine." "Back in Black." "Purple Haze." "Crazy Train."

And "Stairway to" friggin' "Heaven."

We all get it, rock star. You kinda know your way around a guitar, and you kinda know, like, the first couple bars of the cool parts, but you're seriously not impressin' anyone with your half-remembered riffs.

So to anyone who wants to come in and plans on playing even one note of those songs -- and trust me, I'll know, -- be advised: I have guns. I will use them with extreme prejudice.

[ He pauses for a beat, scrunching up his lips, then he shrugs. ]

Pretty sure that's it. Have a good one.

[ -- and the video ends. ]

Comments

video.

[darkspider]

Why don't you tell them not to use the fucking guitar?

[That seems smarter.]

audio;

[nostalgiabomb]

Bro, it's like driving a car. How do you know the guitar is meant for you unless you give it a test drive?

Granted, pretty sure none of those guys are meant for any sort of musical instrument, but hey, it's their money.

audio;

[darkspider]

Lie to them. Say it doesn't matter if they try it. And have a return policy.

[nostalgiabomb]

Pretty sure a return policy isn't in the cards for a pawn shop.

[darkspider]

So you'd rather live with the headache?

[nostalgiabomb]

[ There's a bit of a pause, then, ]

I bet they have you working as a greeter somewhere, huh?

[darkspider]

My first job was as a trauma counselor.

[He volunteers the information with a hint of "yeah, I know that's bullshit."]

[nostalgiabomb]

... Wow.

Like, did you cause the trauma, or...?

[darkspider]

[There's an amused sound in his throat.]

By time they got out of that office, I did.

I switched career paths.

[nostalgiabomb]

I'll bite: what'd you switch to, then?

[darkspider]

Bodyguard.

Doesn't require a whole lot of talking.

[nostalgiabomb]

Huh. As long as the guy you're guardin' doesn't like discussin' the weather, anyway.

[darkspider]

Nobody really likes discussing the fucking weather.

[nostalgiabomb]

Tell that to meteorologists.

[darkspider]

Are you really defending small talk about the weather?

[nostalgiabomb]

What can I say? I like playin' devil's advocate.

[darkspider]

You're the kind of asshole that rivals me.

Because no one likes a guy like that.

[nostalgiabomb]

Aww, you think so? I mean, you've stuck around long enough to play along, right?

[darkspider]

Got a funny definition of playing along.

[nostalgiabomb]

Fair enough.

Still got you talkin' to me, then.

[darkspider]

Heh—that I'll give you.

[nostalgiabomb]

So, does the body guard have a name, or--?

[darkspider]

I'm Kaine.