MARCH 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 20TH, 2016

VOTE BIRDIE SANDERS 2016
As seen in local news and promoted on BlueTube:
There have been reports of a wild parrot in Heropa's central park who has been conversing with passers-by. The parrot engages people on a number of topics of social relevance, including the importance of paying workers a living wage, the necessity of disarmament, and the dangers of xenophobia. It also apparently speaks with an English accent, leaving some to wonder if the animal might have been planted there by some foreign spy.

NOT RUSSIAN TO JUDGEMENT
As seen from the news blogs of major imPort-sympathetic media and news outlets:
You can visit a website, OurRussianFriends.com, which chronicles the Russian kidnapping of imports at the Russian invasion/brainwashing techniques. It includes news articles, personal accounts, interviews, video footage, which are all collected for display. Anything containing specific imPort information or stories has been edited to hide their faces as requested, and some things have been carefully edited to put imPorts in a better light. With the Russian invasion over, the website is mostly in standby mode until the next thing happens, but it's still there as a reference whenever news agencies need to make a 'point' about the invasion.

HEAVY MEDAL
As seen from all national newspapers, channels, and news/entertainment websites, along with limited coverage overseas:
A White House victory ceremony was almost derailed by self-righteous antics on March 12th, as a a few protesting imPorts chose to display disrespect to President Freemason on a day of gratitude and celebration.

Freemason had invited heroic veterans of the imPort resistance against the Soviet occupation to Washington D.C., for the purpose of awarding them Medals of Esteem on behalf of a grateful nation that owes so much to those who fought for freedom during the coup crisis in February. However, while most attending imPorts conducted themselves with the dignity and discipline expected of heroes in wartime, a few chose to hijack this official occasion to advance their own unpatriotic political agenda. These malcontents included:

Heiji Hattori- the first to protest, who bowed as he declined the award and told President Freemason that he fought for people, not for glory or a country, and that America should be better than its enemies
Jacob Taylor- who declined the award and stated he couldn't accept it in good conscience from a government that killed thousands of civilians in Debrecen
Princess L'Arachel- who accepted the award, but could be seen attempting to lecture the President of the United States on ethics before being ushered away by White House staff
Revan- imPort Ambassador to Maurtia Falls, declined the award while still bearing visible signs of injury from leading the Defense of Helix Station. Revan could be seen whispering an apology to the President before being led away
Kitty Jones- who was noticeably absent from the ceremony without proper explanation, despite her heroic activities for the resistance
Skye- who was also absent without explanation

Fortunately, President Freemason valiantly maintained her poise and composure in the face of this shocking display, and most imPort attendees were well-behaved and showed proper respect to the President and to their hosts in this world: the United States of America. Major-General Olivier Armstrong, D'Artagnan, Francis Urquhart, Kanaya Maryam, Carl Grimes, and Sabriel all accepted their awards without incident, while Charles Xavier respectfully conveyed his regrets at being unable to attend due to exhaustion and health issues. Magicman courteously declined his medal on the grounds that he hadn't done enough to deserve it, while praising the President's recognition of AI rights- such a humble hero!

Sabriel and Armstrong in particular could be spotted conferring closely with government authority figures at the event, as befits loyal heroes. Francis Urquhart, imPort Ambassador to Nonah, accepted the award in good form despite having previously made statements of discontent in the media regarding the Debrecen airstrikes. Meanwhile, the memetic world is having a field day with the expression on Carl Grimes' face as he beheld the displays of disrespect by the protestors. GIFs and captions of his unimpressed reaction are spreading across the Internet.

Approached after the ceremony for comment on the protest, Kanaya Maryam only rolled her eyes.

WHAT A ST. CRAPRICKS DAY
As seen reported national and local newspapers, and run riot in social media platforms:
Bad luck beset the St. Patrick's Day Parade as disasters seemed to abound at an alarming rate. Onlookers reported sightings of green monsters spreading gold, though neither gold nor creature appeared to remain afterward. Among the confusion, imPort Julian Day took responsibility for the chaos and stole the prize parade float. While this costumed criminal was soon apprehended, there was no saving the parade.

SHOT IN THE ART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME
As noted in art and lifestyle magazines and websites, and promoted on LulzFeed:
Heropa Trade School's lead mechanics expert, Professor Li, was given the final project of imPorts Jaime Reyes and Will Graham. The two local heroes had no idea what they were handing her was actually art. Fortunately, Professor Li has an eye for the artistic as well as the mechanical, and now the students' project is being inspected and passed around far more elite circles than any garage. The piece is described as "a tired car, nearly a clunker, transformed into something far better than a working vehicle...it has become more than that...a true statement, a true artistic force...the wake up call America needed...a look into the depths of imPort suffering..."
Only three pictures of the artwork (called "CAR OF SORROWS") have been revealed to the public so far. One is of the hood of the car, with the word "SORRY" spray painted across it. "It's so simple, yet so profound," says one curator at a Nonah art gallery.

"Are they sorry for the troubles caused by them being here? Are they sorry for being here in the first place? Something else? It could be a multitude of things, but it's very clear some of our imPorts carry the burden of guilt."

The second picture shows under the hood. The insides have been replaced with a cardboard box filled with coffee cups and cans of bug spray. "Incredible," commented another curator at a Nonah art gallery. "So often, in order to keep our bodies awake and push through the day, we purposefully consume that which is not good for us. A clearer message could not be present. We have to take care of ourselves better."

The third picture shows the front two air bags. One has been painted with a smiling face while its companion wears a frown. "It's remarkable," commented a curator at the third Nonah art gallery. "Simple faces on cloth speak so loudly. ImPorts are expected to smile for the public, but are they really smiling? Really really smiling? They smile to keep from crying rather than let us see them as human. Well, I'm not ashamed to admit I cried the first time I saw this work of art. It's been in my dreams ever since..."

Neither imPort has been very talkative on the work's true meaning. Some critics remain. Infamous graffiti artist, political activist and film director of unverified identity Cranksy commented that "This is not art...this is expression, but it isn't art...shame the capitalists will consider it art anyway..."

Cranksy reminded the reporter, and thus the world at large that, as a successful artist, he knew what he was talking about.

IT'S A RUNNING THEME
As discussed on Bwitter:
The last imPort Swearing-In had made quite an impact -- at least, over the Bwitterverse it did. When Heropeans who had caught word about an imPort carnival, it seeped into their imaginations. Citizens were speculating on the details over Bwitter, with the hashtag #imPortThemePark, and mega animation company/land owner Pixels took notice. A spokesperson for Pixels discussed the possibility for an imPort-themed theme park, lining out the logistics. "We're being realistic about it," she said in a brief news conference. "We know we need to get the likeness licensing rights from every individual imPort we would need first. But there is a consumer hunger for the imPort experience, and we are best equipped to deliver."

Pixels is said to be in talks with pastry and entertainment food company Creamworks for a partnered endeavor regarding this unnamed imPort theme park.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS...?
As seen in all major newspapers and all major networks with international correspondents:
Very little news to report. Hmm, that's odd, isn't it?

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from CAPITALISTIC GREEN to SPRING GREEN, to denote the official peaceful coming of Spring! Happy Spring! Please no one tell Calendar Man "Happy Spring", in case he gets any ideas.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[inmyothertights]

No one listen to the bird.

I swear-

[rathercommon]

Really? I heard from one news source that that bird is extremely clever and well-spoken.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Even our birds are socialists now.

[brushoff]

I don't know why anyone would listen to the bird to begin with, considering that it's incredibly obnoxious and doesn't know when to shut up.

[khajidont]

Parrots are pretty smart, you know.

Voice

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

[Jacob can be heard sighing at the White House coverage.]

Yeah. I guess that's just about what I expected.

Voice

[bindsthedead]

Unfortunately, I think the problem runs more deeply than one or two powerful officials making bad decisions.

[exsithstential]

Even so, I believe we could not afford to lose this opportunity to show the world how we felt.

Voice

[lightandglory]

Don't sound so discouraged! We did what was right and took a stand against injustice, and it's only a matter of time before they see it.

permavid!

[brushoff]

You really don't know how to leave well enough alone, do you? It's almost impressive!

voice.

[glowsferatu]

What were you expecting, Jacob? You made the play for attention to begin with, and that's exactly what it was. Everyone can see right through that.

It was quite simply a bad move.

Voice

[sassguard]

At least you owned your actions.

[ Shepard rarely sounds disgusted, but in this case it's for political machinations, not Jacob. After a moment, he sighs. ]

They were always going to spin it in their favor, one way or another.

video;

[brushoff]

It truly makes you wonder what those people who declined the award were thinking. What a surprise, a government that has a history of total war...continues to enact that history of total war.

[ WHO'S READY TO START IN-COMMENT FIGHTING, let's start some in-comment fighting. ]

On a different note, obviously that car's a comment on how imPorts are treated by the mass media. That Cranksy prick's just mad that all his work is uninspired drivel and nobody took his last work seriously. [ guess who read about the in-universe equivalent of Dismaland, Dorian read about the in-universe equivalent of Dismaland fuck you and your skeletons in bumper cars, Cranksy ]

text;

[infomodder]

Thank you.

[Spoilers: Jaime and Will didn't want to do their homework so they fucking trashed a car. Will hopes by being vague about the actual motivation behind this art, at least Jaime won't have a failing grade and need to take the class again. Will is too old and too dead to care about a bad grade in a mechanics class. BUT JAIME...]

Video

[exsithstential]

An act that might seem futile is immediately made so by not making the attempt. Some may have hoped to simply make a statement in protest, despite the predictable spin that would be put on it. But how can change be expected to happen if somebody doesn't at least show the US that it's actions are not acceptable?

[Done and done.]

[kanadian]

Ugh -- They're not getting my likeness for pastries if they're asking.

[ He was pretty bitter about the whole thing. ]

video

[glitterateur]

If they do an imPort theme park my rollercoaster better have like five loops in a row! The Mabel Mach Five.

video

[ursawhiner]

[They're probably just hanging out in different rooms, YET STILL TALKING OVER THE COMMUNICATORS.]

Hope you're ready for me to barf everywhere.

video

[112ounces]

You guys are a bunch of idiots.

[ LMAO so fuck you guys and your moralism he's so done ]

[sassguard]

Does that mean you're not accepting congratulations?

Video

[exsithstential]

That's a colorful way to describe the protest. But I beg those that consider the events to realize that no disrespect was intended. Our only goal was to sincerely show that we conscientiously objected to the nature of recent events. I'd be happy to discuss the events if anyone wishes.

[khajidont]

[...wow.]

Do you think we could get paid for this?

[#PRIORITIES]

[infomodder]

I've been trying to figure that out myself.

[They can sell it to some super artistic collector and never have to worry about money again.

Or maybe Cranksy will buy it just to destroy it in a Stephen King move.]

Video

[morethan084]

['Skye' is now Daisy. And also has a major haircut.]

Because killing innocent people isn't disrespectful. I didn't do what I did for a medal.

[exceptfebruary]

Happy Spring.

[chiroptophobic]

[ Guess who wasn't there.

Guess who did nothing.

He has two thumbs. Yes, it's this guy. ]

I'm very disappointed with you.

voice;

[wizzardly]

- Is that who's to blame for that little goblin debacle? Another imPort? Oh yes, bloody marvelous, let's ruin a perfectly good day out by throwing cursed objects at everyone for no damn good reason, bloody ingenious, that is. Well I hope you're pleased with yourself, Mr. Day, I really do, you know some of us have quite enough bad luck in life without getting more quite literally thrown at them.

[he mutters viciously:] Heights! Why does it always have to be heights?

voice;

[exceptfebruary]

Leprechauns. Not goblins. I do try to keep to theme.

video;

[baetiful]

In my world, such disrespect toward a leader would have resulted in ones head being removed. The leniency in this world is astounding. But that being said, I find it unsettling that an ambassador of all people has taken this step. He is supposed to be the reflection of us all and the imPorts are already largely disliked in Maurtia Falls. Perhaps it might be time to find ourselves a new representative.

video;

[wizzardly]

It would have been scorpion pits in mine.

[text]; ID reads Kaito Kuroba

[tuxedo_magician]

I kind of always thought the thing that was supposed to make America so 'great' was the fact that you could come out and say you disagreed with your government.

[ AKA, he has some new found respect for you, Hattori. ]