007 • video

[cigarbribery]

Did you know that in New York, you can't take a selfie with a tiger? Technically speaking, it's illegal for anyone who owns a tiger, lion, leopard, or any kind of cat that's not a housecat to knowingly allow the public to have direct contact with those animals. You know, since they're wild animals.

[Foggy huffs out a laugh. He's having a slow day in the office at the moment, and there's a list of weird laws pulled up on his laptop that he's apparently reading off. He chortles at a couple, shaking his head.]

And hey, here's a good one: in Washington, if you find Bigfoot, it's illegal to kill him. I'm serious! You'd be guilty of a misdemeanor and then you'd end up facing either a huge fine or jail time for killing Bigfoot. I know, it's nuts, but it's the law.

[He snorts out another laugh, leaning back into his chair.]

Anyway, I'm having a pretty slow day and I've reorganized my files twice over for something to do, so I just wanna ask: do you know if your world has any really weird laws?

And, oh, yeah, I think it's around that time new imPorts start coming in, so: welcome to bizarro America! Or just America if it doesn't exist for you. If you have questions, Ken Kaneki Ported out just recently, but his FAQ's still up, and if you ask another imPort for it we'll send you the link.

Comments

voice

[fauxmarth]

A slow day? That's rare for you, isn't it? Are you telling me those cabinets are entirely alphabetized now?

voice

[cigarbribery]

The cabinets are alphabetized, the fridge is restocked, I even looked over a few contracts just for something to do. I forgot what slow days are actually like. I'm so bored, Lucina. Help.

[fauxmarth]

Poor thing. You’re too efficient! Shall I fetch a puzzle book for you on my dog walk?

video

[sonofgold]

... I had to look up what Bigfoot is, and now I'm having to stop myself falling down a big rabbit hole.

video

[cigarbribery]

Sorry, man. If it helps, he's probably just a really hairy guy.

video

[sonofgold]

Apparently some people find him handsome, though. There's a guy who's written... a lot of novels about Bigfoot.

Video

[bat_daughter]

Nothing quite as strange as that, though the laws in my universe have had to adapt from over forty years of super-heroes running around.

[A pause, then a smile.]

Oh, and it's more local ordinances, but Gotham City has all kinds of laws regarding thematic advertising and museum exhibits. I guess people got a little tired of people like the Riddler robbing the Crossword Puzzle Museum.

Video

[cigarbribery]

Ours hasn't caught up yet, we've only had superheroes since Tony Stark 'fessed up about being Iron Man, what, seven, eight years ago? [Give him a second, he's counting out the years since that happened, because it's been a while.] Honestly we really should get on that.

Wait, you're joking, the Riddler? Someone actually willingly called themselves the Riddler and then robbed a museum dedicated to crossword puzzles? I've never heard of anyone who's that dedicated to their aesthetic.

Re: Video

[bat_daughter]

[She laughs, maybe in spite of the occasional insanity that is her home universe. At least most of those kinds of villains were retired these days. Though with some of the crazies that had replaced them, maybe it wasn't so good.]

Gotham got a lot of thematic villains back in the day. It was just... kind of what they did.

[mildmanneredwriter]

I'm American, but now you've got me wondering where the weird laws diverge, if they do. Would they only change when the history of our worlds did, or is just being a different dimension enough?

[cigarbribery]

The tiger-selfie thing existed back in my world too, but there wasn't a whole lot about superheroes. We were a lot newer to the whole concept than this world is.

I kind of think that maybe it's a little bit of both? Some laws are passed in reaction to a major event, it's not a stretch to think that a law passed in the wake of a horrific tragedy in one world didn't get passed in another because the tragedy never happened. Others just show up with little to no context.

text;

[threeisapattern]

In California, it's illegal to hunt game from a moving vehicle unless the game is a whale.

text;

[cigarbribery]

All of that made sense until the part with the whale.

And you could even conceivably say that technically the vehicle wasn't moving when you were hunting game, you just happened to be inside.

video;

[consulinchief]

In Louisiana, it's illegal to surprise someone with an order of food, and you can't chase a greased or oiled pig in Minnesota.

[He pauses, a nostalgic smile widening across his face.]

The strangest laws I've come across were from another world. There was a kingdom called Hydropolis, that had four pillars of law. They were:

1. It's strictly forbidden to harm one's fellow man.
2. It's strictly forbidden to ascend to any of the high places of Hydropolis.
3. Sickness is strictly forbidden.
4. Love is absolutely and completely forbidden under any circumstance.

They stressed the importance of Pillar 4.

Another kingdom, Goldpaw, rolled a giant die to determine their taxes and criminal trials.

video;

[cigarbribery]

What about if you just rubbed the pig up with a stick of butter, would that slip by? And, honestly, I feel like if you're going to a restaurant in Louisiana, you're already expecting there to be food. An extra order of food is just a pleasant surprise.

[What? He was a broke college student and then a broke young professional, okay, it's been firmly ingrained in his head to never turn down free food.]

Okay, number one's actually pretty good, if vague. The other three, though...seriously? Who builds a society on that? "Hey, you can't climb stairs, and by the way, you're not allowed to get sick or have relationships," holy shit, how did that kingdom even survive?

...I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I think I kinda like Goldpaw's chances of making it to its next decade than Hydropolis.

[Voice]

[by_candlelight]

In my world, my country decided that it's illegal to make shrines to fictional characters based on deities, historical figures, or fables, for fear it would bring them back. So there were a bunch of anime fans who got arrested for having character shrines to a female, bikini-clad Oda Nobunaga from an anime running that season.

It's also illegal to build on land that has ever been a shrine to a recognized deity or spirit. So there have been people building shrines to minor, but recognized deities in places they don't want to be developed on. Last I heard the government is trying to narrow the law down, but it's weird they didn't see this coming.

I heard that in America, no one's [the sound of a pot or pan hitting the floor, followed by some grumbling before she continues] sorry, that no one's allowed to name themselves or their children or pets after any being from North American folklore. One guy way back when apparently named his prize bull after this one blue cow, and the real giant blue cow caused some sort of ruckus.

Uh, I'm sorta new here. So I'd like a link to the FAQ, if that's cool.

[cigarbribery]

[This link lands in her inbox, soon enough.]

Sent! Like I said, the guy who wrote that Ported out a little while ago, so there might be new information that he didn't get the chance to write in, but it's still good enough to serve as an intro.

[A beat.] ...I feel like there has to be a limit on what's likely to bring you back from wherever you went, and shrines to a bikini-clad version of you that sweaty guys in their basements worship should be way beyond it. [That's sort of how it works, right? He's going off context clues here.]

Not really. People have been finding loopholes in laws and legally binding documents since god knows when, [and he's a lawyer, that's part of his job,] it's only the mildest of surprises it took them a while to start trying to close it.

By "North American folklore", are we just talking about Paul Bunyan and his cow, Johnny Appleseed, the hitchhiking ghost, that kind of thing? Because that's a vague way of putting it, it could honestly include pretty much anything.

video;

[grandtheftequine]

What if Bigfoot started it?

video;

[cigarbribery]

Then technically you could claim self-defense. Against Bigfoot. [Hold on a second, sorry Mr. Ambassador, Foggy has just melted into a brief fit of giggling.]

video

[girlybruiser]

Bigfoot? Who is he?

[ She tilts her head to express her curiosity. Haru only kind of knows about the hibagon myth from home. ]

Um, there's a postal law that mailmen can't leave ice cream in mailboxes. You can face jail time up to five years or a fine up to 500,000. I always found that a bit extreme...

video

[cigarbribery]

A famous cryptid someone caught on camera one time. Really hairy, probably not actually real, but apparently enough people have been hunting for him that there's a law about it.

[A pause.]

...I mean, if you think about it, there's a lot of reasons why you shouldn't just leave ice cream in mailboxes. It'll melt, for one thing, and probably ruin a lot of letters when it does.

But yeah, I agree, five hundred thousand or five years in jail is excessive. No mailman has that kind of money.

video;

[ralltiir]

[ Okay, this post has Akobi laughing. ]

Is it legal to kill Bigfoot in a different state? Is Bigfoot not a citizen, with his own right to life?

Most of the odd rules or laws of my galaxy came from the Jedi Order, which has since been eradicated. There are local ordinances that are a bit odd, sure, but nothing that isn't in place to help maintain peace and order in the galaxy.

video;

[cigarbribery]

Technically, there's no law against shooting Bigfoot in a different state. He's on a register in California that means you can't shoot him, though, but in Texas it's completely legal.

Besides, it's really hard to prove you're a citizen when you're made-up.

[A shrug.] "A bit odd" still qualifies even if it's technically to maintain peace and order. The tiger-selfie thing I found was because too many people were getting mauled by tigers in New York, so they had to pass something to keep that from happening. Still doesn't mean it's not weird as hell from the outside.

[slightlyoffchilt]

A slow day for you, and you find a way to involve legality. I like your persistence.

[cigarbribery]

Either that, or it's a sign I really need to get a hobby.

Hey, by the way, always wondered—do you just look at somebody in the news and make up a profile for them in your head when you're bored?