ANONYMOUS TEXT

[irwins]

[Shaun is not usually one to post things anonymously. He's always been a blogger. He's used to life in the public eye back home. But this... Well. This discussion isn't one he's quite ready to have openly. Not with Georgia around. Not with Becks also here.]

So none of us asked to be dragged to this place, right? But now that we're here, I can't be the only person who doesn't want to leave.

I know that could change. It could change fast.

How do you handle it? Living a life that could get ripped away at any minute?

I know that's always true. I know it real fucking well. But it's even more true and immediate here somehow. So how do you deal with that besides super heavy denial?


[And denial only works so well when there's a quiet voice at the back of your mind, one that hasn't been given a chance to put down deep roots or find its volume, but one that is there and waiting to whisper the worst sort of warnings and worst case scenarios.]

Comments

un: @ God

[justlittle]

You're not the only one.

[ Bean's mostly thinking of Fortunato. But... if he stops to think about it, maybe himself a little bit, too. ]

But whether or not I want to stay, I have to go home.
I have a responsibility to the ones I've left behind.

I deal with my reprieve here by planning for my eventual return. Even if I know I won't remember anything I come up with here, it helps me pass the time.

[irwins]

The ones you left behind. Yeah. For me that's... part of the whole thing.

But I get it.

I'm glad that works for you. That's sort of what's fucking me up more right now. Found out where my future goes recently, and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it.

un: no ordinary girl

[justaddh2o]

I don't think that feeling is exclusive to people that want to stay here. I want to go home, but I'm also making friends here and there are people here I really care about already. It's uncomfortable knowing that the longer I'm stuck, the more I'm going to settle and the more it's going to hurt when someone goes away...or when I do.

So it's just...I dunno, I guess I've moved straight to acceptance? A friend told me he treats this place like an extra life, so I've been trying to take a page out of his book. Or, I'm trying to.

[irwins]

Guess that's a point. We're all making lives here whether we want to or not.

An extra life. You have no idea how real that is.

[For his sister, not for him. But she's alive here and she's not alive back home and that's the whole issue.]

I have no idea how the hell to move to acceptance though. It's never been my strong suit.

text;

[cantgetanyworse]

[Well... Jane's thought about this a lot, actually.]

I do want to go home, but I know I'm not going to get a choice about when that happens... and I have wondered if it's worth doing anything at all while I'm here. It's difficult, isn't it?

I think I'm just taking every day as it comes. Every moment. Not letting myself think that anything I do here is pointless just because I might not be here tomorrow. I've already met so many wonderful people and done things I could never have dreamed about, and if I disappeared tonight would that make any of those things less valuable? I don't believe it would.

And I think that life is funny that way. We can never really know what the future holds. Next month, next week, tomorrow, or even the next hour on the clock. Shouldn't we fill the time we have with as much as we possibly can, because we never truly know how much time we will get? I know it sounds easier than it is, but it's what I've always tried to do no matter where I go.

[irwins]

Yeah. Very. The whole place is a weird limbo. Like a waiting room, but I don't wanna get called up.

Very carpe diem, yeah. And life is... shit it's way too short sometimes. So I get it. But I don't want to lose this. I can't lose her again.

[He's getting too specific. He knows better than that.]

text; un: hale

[duelo]

There's nothing for me really to go back to back home. I'm already a hell of a lot less lonely and more fulfilled here and I haven't even been here a month. So no, you're not alone in that struggle.

I don't know if it's any consolation, but it's how I've been dealing: a friend of mine from home is here, too. He said when he goes back, he doesn't remember this place. So maybe we just take every day here as it comes and live life in the present because we might not actually remember this as a part of our past when (or if?) it becomes our past.

There's nothing to miss if you don't remember it. Which...now that I think of it, is an incredibly sad way to look at things, but is accurate never the less...

[irwins]

Yeah. That situation sounds familiar as hell. And I'm sorry it does. Sucks. Sucks so much.

But yeah, that is incredibly sad. Like this is just some extended fever dream. Problem is, what I've got here? I was already missing it back home. So I get to go back to that, without remembering any of this.

It's all messed up.

Your friend from home, they from the same time as you?

text; not anon

[eloquentness]

I conjure up a lot of brownies and tiramisu. Watch some dumb cooking competition or rom-com with some friends, or by myself...

The truth is, I try not to dwell on "it could end" so much as "it's happening right now."
Which isn't the best advice, but if you don't want to leave, it's a blessing that you're here, right now, on this Earth, with some really amazing people.
Focus on the good, maybe?

[irwins]

At least your denial comes with baked goods.

But no I mean I get it. That's the best I can figure too. I mean, not the rom-com thing. Not nearly enough explosions.

I'm trying. Hell sometimes it even works, especially during the day. But at this point, I'm not sleeping at night.

text; anon

[hatestrashcans]

You've got to reconcile it not actually being any more likely here. It's just that we have cultural ways of dealing with it back home and we don't here.

[irwins]

For the record, those cultural ways of dealing with it fall way the fuck short, too.

Text

[drivesadesk]

Honestly, I just go with the denial thing. Denial is generally working out really well.

Text

[irwins]

I wish it would work better for me. Because it's the only strategy I've got right now.

text

[giveaway]

I know you said the stuff about denial, but I'll be honest I don't think of it that way. And like you also said, it's always true right?? My life back home was never stable, if anything this feels more stable than that.

I think it's like accepting that this isn't permanent, and knowing that that's okay and that you can still have fun, you can still be happy, you can still live

Sure those thoughts are still there, but you can't let them keep you from moving forward

text

[irwins]

It's one of those easier said than done things is the problem. I don't want to let it keep me moving forward. I don't know how to make it to that acceptance. I really wish I did.

It's not about having fun though. It's about this world having something mine doesn't anymore. Something I lost. Something I don't know how to live without.


[And trying to wrap his mind around the new information that he's received recently about that loss and what will happen and what it means for him and his sister.]

[threeisapattern]

idk denial works pretty well for me so far

[irwins]

Less effective over time. Believe me, I was banking on it being a long term solution.

text; not anon

[insincerecharm]

This place is a second chance at life-- a real one, not a shambling mess that doesn't remember who she is or anything that matters to her. So, I'll take it for all it's worth, you know? But there's no sense in fretting about what you can't control. You could be back home and step out in front of a bus, get hit by a stray bullet, eat the wrong food and die. Whatever. Anything could happen and you couldn't stop it, you couldn't change it any more than you can change being here. Life is no more or less unpredictable here than anywhere else. I don't know where I land on the "I don't wanna leave" scale. On the one hand, I really don't. Because it's all I've got left. I leave here, I just go back to dead. But... I dunno, at the same time... I made the choice I made, for reasons I would still stick to now, and I wouldn't change it even if I could. I made my peace with it, going into the situation, and I was ready. So... yeah. I dunno, I think living in the moment is the best way I can handle it. Just live, forget the rest.

text; anon unless noted otherwise

[irwins]

Yeah but that's the thing. I'm not sure that's true. The real bullshit part of it isn't the bus or the bullet. Yeah. that shit happens in every world.

The real bullshit part is that whatever brought us here and just yank us right back out. So what if we could somehow change that? Because that's the part that's haunting me. I can deal with the rest of the life is short and unpredictable carpe diem crap. But that fucks me up.

Staying here and living doesn't undo the choices or the sacrifices you made.

text; anon

[deadlycurves]

Honestly? I'd rather be sent home. There are things I need to do, and see through, back there that are more important than settling in and making a life here. I'm doing that, in a way, because I don't have a choice, but it's not what I want.

text; anon

[irwins]

Then we're in opposite corners on this one.

But the same thing is screwing that up for us. Porter brings us here. Porter sends us home. And we've got no control over either.

text; not anon

[notafraidofyou]

I dunno, I feel like denial is a pretty solid strat. It's what I'm going with, but then, I'm kind of new. Maybe the novelty will wear off, and I'll have to come up with something else.

But knowing that I might turn up at home any second and not remember the people I've met here... kind of sucks. I like the people I've met here.

text; permanon

[irwins]

Denial carried me pretty far. Months at least. Maybe I need to replenish my supply.

And yeah. It sucks a lot.

text

[am_i_a_monster]

Did you die?

I try to remember that every day I have here is one more day than I was meant to have and enjoy the freedom I have here.

It doesn't always work. I have nightmares, other problems. I find ways to live with it. Because as long as I'm here, I'm alive. That should mean something.

text

[irwins]

Not me. Someone else did.

I think you're right. It should mean something. It does mean something.

I guess I'm still in the finding ways to live with it part.

Text

[privatepurchases]

[He's supposed to be a motivational speaker and near as he can figure that means ministry and while that's not his - forte persay...]

Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of any kind because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance make you mature and complete so you may not be lacking in anything.

[pause]

James 1:2-4

Text

[irwins]

Uh.

No offense.

But no fucking thank you.

text, un: gmason very pointedly not anon

[choosetruth]

Denial's never solved anything. Face the truth. Only then can you come to terms with it.

[irwins]

[Fuck. Well. Figures.]

You're like. The worst fortune cookie.

un: voltage

[topmeup]

There's no point of denying it and no point in trying to avoid it. You won't remember leaving when you do leave, so why not enjoy being here as much as you can for as long as you can.

You won't miss it, so embrace it.

[irwins]

Love to. Like really, that's the goal.

Guess I'm not as good at outright nihilism as I should be to get by here.

[bifroster]

That's ... a really good question. But that's why when I figure out how to get people home, I'm going to be researching how to keep people here as well, if they want to.

[Being ripped from one world was enough. Being ripped away again was too much, even if they never remembered anything.]

I guess to really answer your question, I just keep working.

[irwins]

Really? Do you think that's actually something possible? Could it happen?

[There is just a hint of desperation that somehow manages to come through the text.]

Yeah. Burying yourself in work is a strategy I'm familiar with. It works to a point, too.