001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

I am not Hank Schrader's boyfriend. I do not know who Hank Schrader's boyfriend happens to be.

[ferrisbuellean]

There now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

In return, I'll honor your previous by saying I am oddly okay with all of this. Traumatic hasn't even come into it.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Is that because you're highly adaptable, or because you're very skilled in repression and denial?

[ferrisbuellean]

A little from column a and a little from column b. That and this 12 year old whiskey. Were you hoping for something a little more dramatic?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Substance abuse and behavior associated with abandonment issues is not quite what I'm looking for in patients. Perhaps I could recommend Doctor Crane?

He surely has experience in both.

[ferrisbuellean]

I tried therapy for a bit. Didn't really work out. Thanks anyway.

Can we get back on the topic of why you're obsessed with this Hank guy? I feel like a little UST between officer and psychiatrist might spice up the show even more.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I am not obsessed with anyone. [And without missing a beat:] Why didn't your brief treatment benefit you? "A bit", you said. Would that have anything to do with commitment problems?

[Speaking of deflection!]

[ferrisbuellean]

Wow, are we just going to keep switching like this every exchange? Because it really doesn't make for easy editing. You gotta stay on topic, buddy, otherwise this'll never make the cut.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm here to suggest personalities for your "documentary", not partake in it.

[ferrisbuellean]

Look, you're obviously an interesting character, if a little neurotic. The viewers might like it.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Neurotic? [This comes after a deadened pause.] Care to elaborate on your diagnosis?

[ferrisbuellean]

Nah, I'm not a psych major. Not qualified. I'm just a watcher of the people. A voice for the people-- Actually I could use that in a tagline.

Look, all I'm saying is you clearly have some sorta issues going on. Whether it's obsession, anxiety, manipulation... I don't know. I'm not judging. Be who you gotta be. I was practically a compulsive liar for several decades. Still am. Maybe that was a lie, who knows?!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Compulsive liars are often charming. [Was that a compliment? MAYBE.] And perhaps that's why I still find myself interested in aiding your television project -- if you require the outsourcing, of course.

But imPorts are far more likely to support anything that directly involves them.

[ferrisbuellean]

Thank you. [He'll take whatever compliment he can get, even if it is somewhat back handed. A perfect complisult.] I figure I need all the help I can get to try and get this piece of crap even remotely successful. No one takes documentaries seriously any more.

You seem to know your stuff, so c'mon. Who're the other big shots I gotta look out for? Any potential clients or enemies in the 'imPort' world?

[slightlyoffchilt]

[Oh yeah, that's the golden invite.]

Well. Have you seen this woman -- sorry, this heroine named Power Girl? Her moniker is highly accurate, believe you me. And there's the walking, talking, probably sentient billionaire playboy trope named Tony Stark.

Clark Kent might help you with the media marketing. He is currently our only imPort journalist.

[ferrisbuellean]

[Gotta use while he's got it.]

Iiii don't think I've met any of... them... yet.

[Brain reboot.]

I'm sorry, did you uh, did you say Tony Stark and Clark Kent?

[slightlyoffchilt]

I did indeed -- you're familiar with them? Most seem to be, regarding Stark anyway. But I haven't met many of Kent's acquaintances.

[ferrisbuellean]

Oh, I've just. Heard them in passing. Y'know how it is. [Whoop, time to get away from that awkward.]

I'll be sure to keep all of them in mind. Can't go wrong with a bit of extra promotion.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Promotion is something easily accessible to our kind thankfully. Our celebrity affords us so much.

And then there's the internet. [There's something ominous in his tone -- and it's not like Chilton is a technophobe, he's a walking advertisement for Apple.] Tread carefully with regards to imPort search terms. There is ample... Fiction. About us.

Probably some about you already.

[ferrisbuellean]

Hah! No way? People write fanfics about imPorts? This I gotta see. [Chilton, what have you done?!]

Please tell me some sort of video sharing site exists around here.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I don't engage myself with the matter, personally. [He is enabling a monster!!] But there's an imPort here called Loki -- he probably writes some of this... Material. I mean, if I were to guess, he certainly seems the type.

No doubt he'd be willing to showcase all the best bits.

[ferrisbuellean]

I'll keep that in mind. [Loki too? When will the awesomeness end?]

You know, you're a pretty useful guy to have around.

[slightlyoffchilt]

That almost seems like an invitation to socialize.

[ferrisbuellean]

It can be, if you want it to be. Are you a fan of well aged scotch whiskey?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Well now you're singing my song. [Relatively expensive alcohol: the way the Chilton's heart.] Just say when and where -- or, perhaps I should provide the where, given how long I've been here.