001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[cuff]

Wouldn't put it past him. But y'know, it's not all bad- he tells a mean campfire story.

[ferrisbuellean]

Oh, sure, that sounds like a great time when you're in the middle of the city.

[cuff]

Hey. Not like we're talking a 'campfire' [ just going to enunciate those quotation marks ] out of an oil drum in the south side. Not that Fraser'd probably pass that opportunity, either- but not the point. Doesn't sound as sad as y'might think.

[ferrisbuellean]

Fire in an oil drum? Sounds like a pretty normal day in Chicago. You all live under overpasses, right?

[cuff]

You mean we got housing somewhere else? Thought I had to live next to junkies, one'a those uh- pre-requirements of being a Chicagoite. Like we're all some kinda inner-city mole people.

[ferrisbuellean]

Yup, sounds about right. You're in a better place now.

[cuff]

Why, cause we got superheroes or cause you're on cable?

[ferrisbuellean]

Both these things. Me being on cable is really just a bonus. But I mean also the whole recognisable people kicking around too. There must be a few faces or names you recognise, right?

[cuff]

You're talkin about Batman, aren't you. [ Because everyone knows Batman is actually from Chicago, duh. ]

Or the, uh- Captain Kirk guy. That everyone was pissing themselves over.

[ferrisbuellean]

Holy crap, Captain Kirk was here? I used to love that guy. Important question though: Shatner or the new guy?

[cuff]

Didn't know there was a new guy, so let's go with him.

[ferrisbuellean]

Yeah, like 2000and... something. You didn't see it?

[cuff]

Seeing as time travel ain't exactly something they've come up with back home, that'd be a no-go.

[ferrisbuellean]

You're from before then? No kidding. Please tell me it's the eighties.

[cuff]

Sorry, I don't hail from the land of hair metal. Try '98.

[ferrisbuellean]

98? Beautiful. Does everyone have curtained hair and high waisted pants?

[cuff]

Only when they're not drowning themselves in plaid, sure.

[ferrisbuellean]

Beautiful. I do not miss the 90s. All that denim and leggings... Don't worry, my friend, it gets better. Not a bad era for music though.

[cuff]

Yeaaah, dunno if i'm ever gonna be able to take you serious now. Not that you were doing such a good job of that already.

[ferrisbuellean]

Why, because I said the 90s had some good music or because I don't like men in leggings?

[cuff]

I'd say figure it out on your own but your bullshit-ometer's already so far off the charts, not sure I wanna leave it up to you. So let's stick with most of the crap they like playing on the radio.

[ferrisbuellean]

Uh, excuse you. Dave Matthews Band, Nirvana, Rage, the continued existence of bands like Red Hots and Beastie Boys. I mean, I could go on for ages.

[cuff]

[ LONG SUFFERING SIGH. ]

Yeaaah, I bet you could. Still wouldn't make my life any better.

[ferrisbuellean]

Might do if you actually listened to good music! Music can change lives.

[cuff]

Buddy, you really trying to school me on the healing power of music? Cause you know, I don't need a lesson in what a good record can do for a person. I'm just not so big on smelling teen spirit cause stale locker rooms just ain't my thing.