video

[rathercommon]

Hullo, everyone. It's Kitty. I've not been around for a little while, but - I'm back now. In Heropa. And, erm - just for anyone who cares - both Mandrake and Bartimaeus have gone home. So I'm the only one left from my world now.

[ Her expression following that announcement is a mixture of disgust (because that sounded dreary and pathetic, didn't it) and sadness. Then, with a little shake of her head (you can practically hear her telling herself to stiffen her upper lip) she continues on: ]

Right. So - all right. I recently made a rumblr - that's an account on the website rumblr-dot-com - and I've actually managed to get quite a few followers. It turns out people are completely mad for having imPorts friended on social media. Anyway, it's actually really great - there are lots of really worthy causes out there, and when I pick them up they get spread around pretty nicely. It keeps this celebrity thing from being overbearingly stupid. I generally ask my followers to bring causes to my attention. This week I'm trying to help raise funds for maintaining latrines in areas where people practice open defecation. A lack of proper sanitation is linked incredibly closely to higher rates of infant mortality and shorter lifespans, but a billion people in the world live without access to it. And it doesn't take all that much money to make a change. So I'm trying to raise funds for that this week. Next week, we're going to be taking a look at raising money to help with mass deworming.

My rumblr is called 'therealkittyjones,' if anyone wants to follow me.

I'm also looking for people to help out with some fundraising for these causes. I've been in touch with a radio station, and I'm thinking we ought to do a celebrity version of two truths and a lie - in honor of all that rubbish at the last swear-in, you know. What happens is you come onto the program and you give me two true statements and one lie. Listeners go online and they wager five dollars on which one's the lie. If they get it right, they get an autographed picture of you, and if they get it wrong then their money just goes to charity. You'll also put up some of your own money, and if I manage to guess on-air which one's the lie you have to donate too. I've gotten asks for some of the imPorts in particular - [ She leans forward and clicks to another window on her communicator, her eyes moving as she reads. ] So, Superman, Mr Stark, Mr Hundred, Mr Wayne, Mr Gamagori, Mr Taylor, Mr Xanatos, Mr Callaghan, consider yourselves called out - you know, reading off all those men, I just realized how sexist my followers are, eurgh. There are a few women on this list too, but not nearly enough. Olivier, Sabriel, Power Girl...Actually, you know, pretty much everybody's interesting to the locals. I think all of you are on here, the list is like five pages long. We've just got far too many men here, haven't we?

[ And she sits back, her eyes focusing as she comes back to the window of her webcam. ]

Anyway, it'll only take about an hour of your time, and it's for a good cause. A series of good causes. Plus you'll get to talk about yourself, and I've never met anyone who wasn't at least a little bit obsessed with themselves. So...let me know if you're interested and I'll set up all the details.

Right. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Comments

[textualhealing]

Oh hey, I hadn't heard of that one. Is it new?

[rathercommon]

Oh, yeah, we just got nonprofit status.

[textualhealing]

Well congrats. The charity of Jeff Winger is still making way too much profit.

But ugh, fine. Go for a legal charity. One of those ones that helps with free law aid.

[rathercommon]

Yeah? Have you got one you'd recommend?

[textualhealing]

I dunno what the hell they have in this world. You're the charity expert.

[rathercommon]

Okay. I'll happily pick one out.

[textualhealing]

But still consult me after because I don't want to be stuck with some fluffy kitten charity.

[rathercommon]

Sorry! You're already committed to Friends of Fluffy Kittens.

[textualhealing]

Well, at least it'd appease me lady fans.

[rathercommon]

Yeah, because obviously all women like kittens.

[textualhealing]

Exactly. Women can't resist the lure of baby animals. Between that and my good looks they'll be hooked.

[rathercommon]

What about women with allergies.

[textualhealing]

Poodles.

[rathercommon]

Those stupid-looking dogs with the sculptured hair? Ugh.

[textualhealing]

Labradoodles then. Whatever. Point is that they've got hypoallergenic fur.

[rathercommon]

And what about the women who just don't like animals?

[textualhealing]

They've got me to look at instead.

[rathercommon]

I don't know. You're a bit of a dog, aren't you.

[textualhealing]

Gonna take that as a compliment. Because dogs are awesome.

[rathercommon]

I don't know. They're all right, I guess.

[textualhealing]

They're alright? That's it?

[rathercommon]

Yeah. I don't know. I mean - loving dogs always feels a bit narcissistic, since we love them for being...you know. Loyal. Loving. But they're loyal and loving because we've forced them to be through generations of breeding, haven't we. So the poor things haven't got a choice.

[textualhealing]

It's nothing to do with forcing them. Dogs are just one of the few animals intelligent enough to realise pretty early on that they can use us to their advantage. They get food, shelter and a social structure for doing very little in return beyond existing. They're smarter and more cunning than about 99% of the human population. Dogs are the ultimate manipulators, them and cats.

[rathercommon]

Oh, I see. So it's clever, now, to sacrifice your liberty and personal dignity to get good treatment from your oppressors.

[textualhealing]

It is if you're benefitting from it. Yay, Capitalism.