maskormenace

Hullo, everyone. It's Kitty. I've not been around for a little while, but - I'm back now. In Heropa. And, erm - just for anyone who cares - both Mandrake and Bartimaeus have gone home. So I'm the only one left from my world now.

[ Her expression following that announcement is a mixture of disgust (because that sounded dreary and pathetic, didn't it) and sadness. Then, with a little shake of her head (you can practically hear her telling herself to stiffen her upper lip) she continues on: ]

Right. So - all right. I recently made a rumblr - that's an account on the website rumblr-dot-com - and I've actually managed to get quite a few followers. It turns out people are completely mad for having imPorts friended on social media. Anyway, it's actually really great - there are lots of really worthy causes out there, and when I pick them up they get spread around pretty nicely. It keeps this celebrity thing from being overbearingly stupid. I generally ask my followers to bring causes to my attention. This week I'm trying to help raise funds for maintaining latrines in areas where people practice open defecation. A lack of proper sanitation is linked incredibly closely to higher rates of infant mortality and shorter lifespans, but a billion people in the world live without access to it. And it doesn't take all that much money to make a change. So I'm trying to raise funds for that this week. Next week, we're going to be taking a look at raising money to help with mass deworming.

My rumblr is called 'therealkittyjones,' if anyone wants to follow me.

I'm also looking for people to help out with some fundraising for these causes. I've been in touch with a radio station, and I'm thinking we ought to do a celebrity version of two truths and a lie - in honor of all that rubbish at the last swear-in, you know. What happens is you come onto the program and you give me two true statements and one lie. Listeners go online and they wager five dollars on which one's the lie. If they get it right, they get an autographed picture of you, and if they get it wrong then their money just goes to charity. You'll also put up some of your own money, and if I manage to guess on-air which one's the lie you have to donate too. I've gotten asks for some of the imPorts in particular - [ She leans forward and clicks to another window on her communicator, her eyes moving as she reads. ] So, Superman, Mr Stark, Mr Hundred, Mr Wayne, Mr Gamagori, Mr Taylor, Mr Xanatos, Mr Callaghan, consider yourselves called out - you know, reading off all those men, I just realized how sexist my followers are, eurgh. There are a few women on this list too, but not nearly enough. Olivier, Sabriel, Power Girl...Actually, you know, pretty much everybody's interesting to the locals. I think all of you are on here, the list is like five pages long. We've just got far too many men here, haven't we?

[ And she sits back, her eyes focusing as she comes back to the window of her webcam. ]

Anyway, it'll only take about an hour of your time, and it's for a good cause. A series of good causes. Plus you'll get to talk about yourself, and I've never met anyone who wasn't at least a little bit obsessed with themselves. So...let me know if you're interested and I'll set up all the details.

Right. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

As long as it's attention, I don't think I'll care.

...Are you joking? Do you even realize how sad and broken that is?

Says the girl screaming into the abyss about mass deworming.

Pot, meet kettle.

Okay, you and Hazel can start a little club together of people who think that saving lives is a bad thing.

[ a confused pause, and then ] Oh my God. You seriously think that if you kick up a fuss enough, it'll actually save lives.

I don't know if that's cute or pathetic.

[ Scowling - ]

Fusses raise money. Money saves lives. There's nothing pathetic about that.

It doesn't count if they donate just to shut you up.

Yeah? Why not? The people who receive that money are no less alive.

Isn't the point of fundraising also to change minds or some nonsense like that?

The point of fundraising is to accomplish a goal. If minds get changed on the way, lovely. But what actually matters is how many people get treatments for an easily-treatable disease.

I've got your solution then: rob a bank.

That is so stupid. Worst-case scenario, I end up in jail, and who can I help from jail? Best-case scenario, I get off free, but the bank's insurance companies pay out, and they might well be insured by the government and if the government makes cuts you know they'll cut the good social programs.

But won't it be worth it to make those people dewormed or whatever? Honestly, at this point it seems like you'll never be happy.

How sweet. Does that mean you want to make me happy?

Honestly, I'm perfectly content with you rolling in misery for the rest of your life.

Well, too bad for you. I'm going to live a fulfilling and satisfying life that helps other people, and you can choke on it.

Or, you're going to spend your life shouting and fussing about what other people want, so you'll end up dying sad and alone, probably with twenty cats.

So...Why would fussing about other people cause me to end up alone? I don't really see the link.

If you ever want to make yourself the slightest bit happy, think about yourself over other people. Egotism does wonders for the mood.

For a person like you, maybe. But what makes you happy isn't going to make me happy.

Well that's a pity. I could have given you Hedonism 101 or something like that.

Please. I've literally been offered lands and riches if I give up on what I believe in. A miserable little snot talking about how not-miserable his life is isn't going to tempt me.

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