Video

[pobrecisco]

[ Cisco sits back from turning the video feed on, his garage/workshop visible in the background, and goes back to fiddling with a project on his workbench while he talks. ]

So, what kind of movies do you guys like? Back home, I mean. I know stuff is weird here and some movies don't exist, and they have stuff some of us don't have back home, so if there's any good universe-local movies I'm missing out on that only exist here, I could use some recs, too. Bonus points if there's any really good alternate universe versions of stuff I'd know from home. Negative points if it's propaganda crap, because there's enough of that on TV as it is.

[ He props up the thing he's working on to get at the bottom of it, and it looks like a projector. Wonder what that could be for! ]

Comments

video;

[timeframes]

Dude, I need you to listen to me because this is really important: completely disregard any opinion that puts Dane Cook in a favorable light.

Obviously the only good shit is the classics, and I'm not talking that trash that everybody likes to pretend they've seen for pretentious douchebag bonus points, but the real down and dirty quality movies that endure. Transcend generations and all that shit. Back to the Future. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Groundhog Day. Terminator, but not anything after Rise of the Machines. [do these have a theme??]

[pobrecisco]

Obviously, dude, Dane Cook movies are an affront to filmmaking.

And I'm getting the feeling we're from similar worlds, because those are all in my top ten. Except I didn't love Rise of the Machines as much as Judgement Day or The Terminator, but I mean, did anybody? Those two were Schwarzenegger at his peak.

[timeframes]

Dane Cook is an affront to intelligent life, but im just warning you. He's dangerous, he gets in your head and before you know it you've watched Good Luck Chuck five hundred times and you're starting to lose touch with reality.

[Speaking . . . almost fondly about this horrible horrible movie. This really speaks to some deep Dane Cook inflicted trauma but he seems okay with it. Even looking a little wistful. Sad, Dave.]

But fuck yes, right on the goddamn money. Everyone knows the first two are best, but you gotta throw in the third there just to round it out. Guess it doesn't feel like a real time bending adventure unless there's a trilogy.

[pobrecisco]

I just had to listen to some kid with horns that kinda make me crave candy corn tell me Good Luck Chuck is on his favorites list. Help.

Man, I hope this world has the Terminator movies, or at least a not-terrible knock off version. I'm really feeling a rewatch now.

[timeframes]

I can't help you, man, this is why I warned you. You had the chance to run for it. Karkat's my bro, my Best Bro even, but I can't control his Dane Cook thing. He just loves that lizard man's putty face mask and wildly flailing attempts at comedy, maybe it's a visceral connection from one alien to one snake person in human form, who can fuckin' say. You just gotta accept it and roll with it. He's cool though. If you're into that stuff he knows his way around a romcom.

[Karkat has irremediably bad taste in movies, not even Dave can truly defend him, but you learn to accept flaws about your bro. Clicking around a bit while he rambles on about Karkat though, on an important mission.]

Seeing something about Annihilator? Just not the same without Arnold though.

[pobrecisco]

Is there an alien equivalent of Dane Cook, or is Dane Cook alien enough on his own?

And yeah, he's uh. Describing one of his favorites to me. Not sure I'm following on all the details, but genre clashes aside, I'm always down for chatting with another movie buff.

Yeah, I dunno. I'm thinking I'm gonna get Operation Inconceivable, if I do this movie night thing I'm thinking about, and seeing if a lack of Tom Cruise makes Mission Impossible better or worse.

[timeframes]

Fucking weirdly enough, there is no alien Dane Cook equivalent. That son of a bitch is pure human universe creation, he is our goddamn shame to bear. Troll Jennifer Aniston exists though if it helps you sleep at night, knowing that at one point she was out there doing her thing being an independent woman in multiple universes.

But, uh, 'movie night thing'?

[pobrecisco]

But on the other hand, at least he might be a lizard person. I'm holding out hope for that. But wow, uh, good for Jennifer Aniston? Or... troll Jennifer Aniston, I guess.

Oh right. [ He holds up his projector. ] I'm thinking about hosting a thing, inviting people around to hang out and watch movies, and see if they can get any popcorn before my roommate eats it all.

[timeframes]

Oh. Sweet. Pretty sure you got a handle on it if you're doing the whole projector and popcorn thing, but if you need some pro tips on binge watching I've got some serious experience in that department. Pretty much a staple of bro time for the last three years. For example: pajama pants might get your ass judged, but comfort is king when it comes to enduring sitting cramps and junk food bloat.

[pobrecisco]

Hey, if you want, consider yourself invited, whenever I get around to setting it up. Anyone with such quality taste in cinema is welcome, as far as I'm concerned. And I guess you can bring your friend, as long as he doesn't try anything sneaky, like swapping out good movies for Dane Cook romcoms.

[timeframes]

Oh, shit, uh-- [ A brief look of shock at being invited to anything. It keeps happening and it's still confusing. God, social interaction is such a new, weird phenomenon. Prepare for the sad sight of a guy who wears sunglasses while watching a movie in the dark. ] Thanks.

Yeah, cool, I'll pass it along. Don't worry, man, he won't pull anything like that. Watching shit is his favorite thing, but yelling about stuff he doesn't like and making fun of crappy human movies is pretty high up on the list of things he enjoys, so you're probably good.

[pobrecisco]

On the other hand, he's also shouting at me to shove a model space ship up my ass, sooooo....

[timeframes]

[A huge snort of laughter, sorry man. He did call him 12, it's no surprise the Vantas hate machine had a reaction since he kind poked the bear with a sharp stick there.]

How'd you piss him off? You get used to it, dude. I'll vouch for him if it comes down to it, offer pay reparations and everything.

[pobrecisco]

Okay, so maybe I was a little bit condescending. But he was trying to tell me honestly that he thinks Adam Sandler and Dane Cook are good comedians and good representatives of the human condition.

im so sorry for the following 400+ words about adam sandler

[timeframes]

Nah, I think he's onto something there. Maybe not necessarily in the "they're actually great and talented" department and not complete shit, but the idea that they've influenced both comedy and humanity isn't all that far fuckin' fetched. Let's just single out Sandler for the moment, because I seriously can't think of a better representative of the human condition. So just consider it: bright young comedic star makes a few classic movies - I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt and maybe draw the line at The Wedding Singer and anything before it - then immediately just turns around and starts pumping out irredeemable turds for the big studios for obvious cash grabs based on this weirdly enduring love America has for its goddamn Adam Sandler. The dude makes millions and spends that money on five dollar scripts and paying whatever hot actress he wants to make out with on screen to go to Hawaii with him for 6 weeks of hasty filming and then goddamn if the studio doesn't have an instant Number One box office hit on its hands. Seriously, the fucker could film 4 hours of him doing nothing but sitting next to Angelina Jolie and gigglefarting and people would flock to see it. So, what the fuck quantifies good? Is it success and fame? Because damn, that dude is nothing but successful. And hella famous. And did I mention fuckoff rich?

That's pure capitalism right there, you can't deny it. Find your in-road, cash the fuck out for the next 30 years as you spiral deeper and deeper into a depression cycle as you sacrifice any quality or artistic integrity you once had. Fueled by nothing but hatred for good taste and comedy, but still somehow its fucking King. And he's pretty obviously affected the film industry, there's nothing more sickening than watching a studio try and capture that magic Sandler balance of "cheap to make" and "makes millions" with its own terrible half-assed knock off of "washed up comedian dryly kisses actress two decades his junior with complete lack of chemistry or emotion" and mixing it up with some lewd jokes about choking the old spam porpoise or cracking wise about ridiculous outdated masculine standards that they've done nothing to actually combat.

Cook is nothing but a pale imitation of that meteoric rise and fall, cashing in on American audiences willing to sit through a tight hour and half of fat and fart jokes interspersed with just enough boobs to captivate the hetero-gaze. He's just a particularly nauseating example because he never even managed to touch some of the early Sandler heights or write a single joke that he didn't steal wholesale from someone actually talented.

this is the most beautiful reply i've ever received in my long and varied RP history

[pobrecisco]

[ Cisco just listens through Dave's whole speech, awed and a little terrified. ]

Holy crap, dude. I don't think I've ever heard anyone have so many strong opinions on Adam Sandler and Dane Cook, but wow, /I am impressed. And I get what you're saying. They suck, but they suck in this magical way that really does capture something honest about humanity. Which is kind of embarrassing for humanity, to be honest.

im glad b/c its easily the best tag ive ever written and i have to quit rp now

[timeframes]

[ Has to catch his breath after that, and also deal with the reality in which he just went on a very long, passionate rant about Adam Sandler. Such is life. ]

. . . Yeah, I've had some time to really get in there and dig out some Adam Sandler opinions. Probably could have done something productive or whatever with the free time, but fuck it. Would promise to keep that shit locked up at movie night, but that's not really a thing I can actually swear on, sometimes it just sort of happens.

RP is over, kids, we can all go home now.

[pobrecisco]

...I wonder if this world has an Adam Sandler equivalent. Is the Cold War propaganda pop culture version of Little Nicky or Spanglish just as bad as the real versions?

Better question: do I actually want to find out?

[timeframes]

Honestly, man, even if he does I don't want to know. I've known both the human and troll versions of Sandler and that's already too many Sandlers, I think if there's another one I might just fucking lose it.

Can you freakin' imagine though? 50 First Dates but it's about Drew Barrymore brainwashed by communists.

[pobrecisco]

Crap, I would actually enthusiastically watch that.

[timeframes]

. . . Fuck, me too. Could it really be any worse than the real 50 First Dates? Barrymore gets recaptured by her KGB handlers and Sandler has to break into the high security prison they're keeping her in and comes across a terrifying room full of spy photos of himself. Barrymore is staring at them, memory wiped, but she can't shake the feeling of knowing this ugly, egg-headed American. Why can't she fucking forget?

[pobrecisco]

Stop, stop, that sounds like a legitimately good movie and I'm kind of disappointed it doesn't exist now.

[timeframes]

Of course it sounds like a good movie. I make a friggin' killing in another timeline as a director slash auteur. Bet I even fought Sandler in a fist-fight once -- that's my headcanon anyway. I would have wanted to take Sandler a round or two in the ring.

[pobrecisco]

[ There's the slightest hint of reaction in Cisco when Dave mentions alternate timelines, but it's hard to read and he's quick to cover it up with laughter. ]

I bet he's either a one punch kind of guy, or he's annoyingly persistent and just when you think he's beat, he pops back up again. Kind of like his film career.