video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

[helpline]

What's the Lifetime channel? That's an unhelpful name.

[deadtective]

...man, you're in for some shit when we get home.

[helpline]

[ who's ready for two and a half hours of the Doctor yelling at the premise of Kidnapped Into A Sex Cult because that's what you're gonna get, Hazel. ]

Suddenly I'm a bit worried.

[deadtective]

[THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS]

What's the matter, don't think you can handle it?

[helpline]

Oh no, I can handle it, but the fact that you're suddenly so gung-ho about this makes me worried.

[deadtective]

What, just because I wear a lot of black I can't get fucking excited about bonding with my new housemate?

[helpline]

Can't we bond in a different way though? Some sort of party game, like 'two truths and a lie' or 'you tell me why there's not any proper food in the fridge.'

[deadtective]

I was living here first, so I get to choose the first icebreaker. If you make it through that one then you can have a go.

[helpline]

In that case, I'll do my best to suffer through this Lifetime Channel, whatever it is.

[deadtective]

There you go, that's the spirit! I'll be telling lies to you in fucking no time.

[it's two truths and a lie, Hazel, not...never mind.]

[helpline]

I vote we play 'you tell me why there's not any proper food in the fridge' instead.

[ cause yeah, he's picked up on that..... ]

[deadtective]

So that you can't steal any of it.

[also excuse you, there's raw meat in the fridge and dead mice in the freezer, both for the owl. that's food.]

[helpline]

Why would I want to steal your raw meat to begin with? Where I'm from, we cook it first.

[deadtective]

I don't make assumptions about people when my animal's food is involved. You're weird enough that it might happen someday.

[helpline]

Well if the owl eats the meat and mice, what do you eat?

[deadtective]

Not that.

[helpline]

How helpful.

[deadtective]

Look, unless you're going to be making all my meals for me from now on...

[helpline]

Why would I do that? I literally see no reason why I would do that.

[deadtective]

Then I guess it's none of your damn business!