video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

Video

[aggressiveapathy]

Release the owl.

[ Saws the woman, clearly still in the tank top she slept in, the back of her own livingroom couch as her background. Along with a live raccoon lounging across her shoulders (and now stealing food from her cereal bowl as she's momentarily distracted). ]

Video

[helpline]

[ The Doctor waves his hands at the camera in a sort of pseudo jazz hands. Not holding the owl now. But hello that is a raccoon. ]

Can the raccoon skateboard as well?

[aggressiveapathy]

[ She is appeased. Well done, hoards that have come before her. ]

God, no. They're not 90s cliches. They do interpretive dance. And blood magic.

[helpline]

Wouldn't he wear mauve and be on a bicycle if he was a 90s cliche?

[ Doctor, that's 1890s. you're thinking of 1890s. ]

[aggressiveapathy]

After it attempted to assassinate the last president, people don't really talk about the mauve anymore.

[ Someone doesn't spend all her time looking at paint chips to learn the names of shades of things ]

[helpline]

Which one of you's the president again?

[ look, he's alien, new, and Scottish, he don't know these American things like 'the name of the president in this bizarre dimension.' ]

[aggressiveapathy]

Whoever has the greatest number of virgins, mostly.

[ Shrug ]

Did you really find a goatee dimension, or was that just a fell asleep in front of the TV thing?

[helpline]

Star Trek! Don't tell me this universe doesn't have Star Trek? [ that's like, one of two pop culture references he knows April, don't bust his bubble. ]

[aggressiveapathy]

If you didn't go yourself it doesn't count.

[helpline]

In that case, eyepatches still count.

[aggressiveapathy]

Did you take pics?

[helpline]

It was either over a thousand years ago or the 1970s, depending on whose timeline you're following. Even if I did take pictures, they might not still exist.

[aggressiveapathy]

Likely story. Still. You can dramatically reenact, I guess.

[helpline]

In that case, I'll need a few more people and a massive drill.

[aggressiveapathy]

Look at this place. Just demand it. It's not like people have anything better to do.

[helpline]

I'm sure that Big Brother's got this wiretapped, [ said as he taps the microphone on the comm. THUMP, THUMP ] but what official channels should I annoy for the drill?

[aggressiveapathy]

We have ambassadors. Pick your favorite city and start sending in threatening selfies.

[helpline]

I've got a feeling with this face, it'd be quite easy to be threatening. And since I don't know any ambassadors, which one annoys you the most?

[ cause that one gon get bugged ]

[aggressiveapathy]

Mitchell Hundred.

[helpline]

Oh, I can see that. Did you know he's brainwashed?

[aggressiveapathy]

Go on.

[helpline]

He willingly wants to be a politician. Again, brainwashed.

[aggressiveapathy]

Oh, no. He's just a robot with a shitty programmer.

[helpline]

You know, that's a good explanation as well.