maskormenace | video;

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

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[ who's gonna drive the Musketeers to drink, the Doctor's gonna drive the Musketeers to drink! (or, in Athos's case, drink more) ]

The flying cars are normal. What's not normal is that I'm not a cardinal.

[ He's clearly hit his head. Or maybe he'd been brought back without half of it. Either way, the Porter has obviously made a mistake here. ]

Not anymore, you're not. That will teach me to be polite.

The writing on the walls - was that you? You can't just go into people's houses and write nonsense on their walls.

No, I'm not a cardinal because I've never been a cardinal. What about this [ said as he gestured to his face with a hand ] looks cardinal to you?

[ but back to the writing ] One, it's technically my house as well so I can write whatever nonsense I want and two, it's not nonsense, you just can't read it.

[ D'Artagnan stares at him, mouth starting to curve up as if he's not sure whether amusement or exasperation is the right response here. He's somehow veering towards both, probably because of how completely insane all of this is. ]

Everything about it looks cardinal, Cardinal. Aside from that you've shaved, I suppose.

[ He shakes his head, his expression saying for all the world that he thinks this man's gone mad. ]

What is it supposed to say, then? Please do feel free to share, I'm sure we're all equally curious.

Of course I shave, do you know how rubbish this body would look with a beard? Everything would be all...pointy. And harsh.

[ and yeah, the Doctor sees that expression. Really, all he can do right now is keep talking in the hopes that this man will just GET THE POINT ]

It's what happened when I was ported in, as well as some hypotheses about what that Porter is. You can't read it because you're human.

[ Even d'Artagnan can't resist smiling at that. Pointy and harsh. He's never heard such an excellent description of the Cardinal in all his life. Maybe the Porter has a sense of humour after all. ]

I'm familiar with the image, yes.

Look, you're either Cardinal Richelieu, recently deceased First Minister of France, or you're his twin. And unless you want to tell me you're some sort of angelic manifestation, I'm going to have to call you human, too. Can't we just talk about this like gentlemen?

[ Again with the Cardinal Richelieu, he just looks so put out but also a little bit offended because rude? What about this face screams "bad guy"? (aside from, you know, everything). ]

I am talking about this like a gentleman! You're the one who's too dense to get into your head that I'm not Cardinal Richelieu! I'm the Doctor.

[ calling someone dense =/= talking like a gentleman ]

[ So that would be a no, then. D'Artagnan throws his hands up. Obviously, this is getting them nowhere. ]

The Doctor of what?! Am I to believe you've become a surgeon?

If you're not the Cardinal, then what are you doing with his face? Explain that, and I'll believe you.

It's a thing that happens! Sometimes when I regenerate, my face looks like one I saw before. [ He pauses, frowning slightly ] Though, the last time it happened, that face was a face that shot me. It's a bit of a crapshoot.

[ Pause.

Squint. This can't be right, surely. ]

So, you're saying that you saw the Cardinal before you 'regenerated'. Whatever that means.

[ No. This is seven shades of ridiculous, he's not buying this. ]

Listen. Perhaps, if you'll just tell me where you are, I can take you to a real doctor and we'll make sure you're all right. I'm sure they'll be able to help.

I'm not...

[ but wait a moment. If this guy comes to where he is, then the Doctor can make him feel his pulse (thereby proving he has two hearts) or if worst comes to worst, just telepathic infodump in his head (thereby proving that he's not the Cardinal). And THEN, he can tell his two pudding brain friends that this has all been a terrible mistake and so sorry Doctor, you're not really Cardinal Richelieu, we're just silly humans who can't tell faces apart or listen to reason.

Brilliant. ]

Heropa, number eleven. I'll be waiting outside.

[ Finally. ]

All right. I'll come to find you.

Try not to terrorise anymore owls before I do. It'll take twenty minutes or so.

We've bonded, [ said as if that's a perfectly sensible explanation. cause hey, they have ]

And I'll see you soon.

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video; bless you this is the greatest thing

video; won't lie i've been anticipating this cr so bless you as well. c:

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video; - do you wanna log/spam this?