video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

video;

[bassriff]

And you'd rather deal with eyepatches? This is way cooler.

But... yeah. The humans made a weird jacked mess out of this place.

video;

[helpline]

I'd know what to do if we were dealing with eyepatches, it's a mystery when we're dealing with flying cars. A fun mystery, but still a mystery.

[ but back to ragging on humans... ] They do that a lot, don't they? 'Don't mind me, I'm a human going to make a big humany mess.'

video;

[bassriff]

Some of them are all right. Most of the locals, not so much.

There's only one left where I'm from, though.

video;

[helpline]

Different planet or post-apocalyptic future?

private video;

[bassriff]

[YEAH SHE IS MOVING THIS RIGHT THE HELL OVER NOW]

Second one.

private video;

[helpline]

[ he honestly thought it was the first one.....and was joking.....whoops ]

Ah. I wasn't expecting that answer.

I'm terribly sorry that happened.

private video;

[bassriff]

Don't worry about it. It was a long time ago, the world got better.

I don't really remember anything before the war anyway.

So c'mon, what's your deal?

private video;

[helpline]

I've got plenty of 'deals,' what exactly do you mean by that?

private video;

[bassriff]

[SIGH]

Who are you?

private video;

[helpline]

I'm the Doctor. Who are you?

[ yes, he knows that didn't help. no, he doesn't really care ]

private video;

[bassriff]

[Good enough. ]

Marceline, the Vampire Queen.

private video;

[helpline]

[ cue the eyebrow raise ]

Hereditary or did you conquer all the other vampires by force?

private video;

[bassriff]

Killed the Vampire King.

private video;

[helpline]

Trial by combat. Isn't that a little outdated?

private video;

[bassriff]

[Trial by combat's the lie she's been going with to cover that part, so. No need to correct him.]

Probably, but vamps go way back. Like even before humans. We've got some weird ancient ways.

private video;

[helpline]

Time Lords go way back also and we've streamlined most of our weird ways.

[ most of them. ]

private video;

[bassriff]

It was a while ago. Time Lords?

[the funny hats will never die tho]

private video;

[helpline]

[ god bless the stupid hats ]

Yours truly.

[bassriff]

That come with a Time Castle or something?

[helpline]

Of sorts. It comes with a TARDIS: Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. She's my ship, and thanks to the stupid government she isn't here.

[ yeah, he's pretty certain these comms are wiretapped, UP YOURS BIG BROTHER ]

[bassriff]

She? [so many jokes, where to start.]

[helpline]

She's sentient, [ said as if that explains everything ]

[bassriff]

So...

Nope, still not getting it.

[helpline]

I'm not going to call her 'it,' am I? Especially where she can hear me.

[bassriff]

Does she talk??