05 | text | backdated to nov 4

[deadtective]

[anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have Hazel stumble through their inbox in recent hours may have an inkling as to what this post is about. everyone else...good luck, sorry.]

I don't actually have a goddamn thing to say to any of you people. I'm just making this post because I can.

I mean, shit, look at me. Typing up a post! With legible sentences!! Completely fucking coherent without a single goddamn mistyped word to be found! Spellcheck couldn't keep up with me if it wanted to, my fingers are flying across the keys so fast.

And do you know why? Because I fucking won. I blasted those goddamn moon runes and their bullshit back into Jupiter's orbit where they belong. Somebody WHO KNOWS EXACTLY WHO HE IS tried to bring me down with that alien garbage and he couldn't do it!!! Nobody can fucking beat me. Nobody.

Fuck!! I feel like I should be building a tower out of Webster's dictionaries and planting an American flag at the top or something. At the very least I should go price that shit out; just being able to read all these webpages again is making me cry.

[for someone who 'didn't have a goddamn thing to say' she sure is excitedly rambling. that point is lost on Hazel, unfortunately.]

Comments

[unbreaker]

whoa whoa not the products! they didnt do nething 2 u



and i mean hes not THAT bad
sure maybe hes a little tetchy and that forehead needs its own set of landing lights

and ok he could probably use some therapy
sessions in anger management
or maybe a big brother type 2 teach him the magic of friendship


but thats all part of his charm?????

all im saying is ur pretty transparent when ur into some1 hazel

[deadtective]

My fist is going to be into your face I swear to fucking god.

STOP ASSUMING I'M CRUSHING ON ALL THE BIGGEST ASSHOLES. HE CAN'T EVEN SAY MY FUCKING NAME RIGHT.

[unbreaker]

idk if hes the biggest asshole
a bit of a fixerupper but

that accent right???

cmon hes pretty endearing

[deadtective]

You haven't spent seven straight hours with his dumb ass.

[unbreaker]

ya see thats what im talking about
u dont spend that much time with someone unless u think theyre worth it

[deadtective]

Nah, it's just fucking masochism. I don't think I've even spent that much back to back with you.

[unbreaker]

[...]

hey u wanna come over?

[deadtective]

[lmao DID SHE DO IT it's what she was gunning for to try and turn the tables but Hazel still can't help but laugh at maybe having actually achieved her goal. what a fucking nerd.]

Today? Naaaah, I'm busy. Tetsuo's probably going to try and find my house to scream at me, it's gonna be a 'rest of the day' kind of thing.

[unbreaker]

[Rest of the day...]

ya cool
np
whatever

i just remembered i had plans neway
with

[Uhhh...]

with kanaya

[Or he will as soon as he rings her up!]

its gonna be an all day kinda thing!

[That answer your question?]

[deadtective]

[it sure as hell does and it means his transparent attempts at turning it back on her don't work because she knows better. good thing this is text because she is laughing so hard right now. it doesn't even matter that she's totally lying about literally all of this.]

Oh, good! He's never actually been to my house before, so I'd be really surprised if it didn't turn into the world's pissiest sleepover. Bet he'll take my bed instead of the couch too, the fucker.

But hey! At least you'll be occupied for all of today and most of tomorrow, right?

[unbreaker]

dont forget 2fluff the fucking pillows for him too! and put up his feet but not 2 high that fucking forehaedll burst if his blood goes rushing 2 it i bet

[YOU DON'T EVEN SLEEP HAZEL WHY'S HE GETTING SO PISSED ABOUT THIS HE DOESN'T KNOW]

and dont worry about me! i got a family day planned! kanaya made me her eggs godparent!

[Josuke, no...that's not at all how that conversation went...]

were gonna go to the zoo adn feed somef fcukging animals its gonna be awesome tehrs gonna be tigers

[Fuck you Hazel. FUCK YOU.]

[deadtective]

That's a great idea, thanks! He gets super tense when we're marathoning games too, maybe I should give him a few shoulder rubs to try and stave off the aneurysms...

[he's losing the power to type coherently, she really should stop teasing him like this...but it's honestly adorable, and she can't help but want to fan the flames a little more. what a terrible not!girlfriend she is.]

And congrats on being her partner in that high school life science project!! That's a lot of responsibility, we'll probably see even less of each other once it hatches.

[you know, less time for you and more time for Tetsuo to fill in.]

Be sure to get a cute group photo with the jungle-print frame! Those make good memories.

[unbreaker]

[Josuke really only reads the first part of that before firing off his reply, which is simply...]

im gonna punch his stupid face if it goes near ur face

[deadtective]

[for the first time in this exchange (outside of the beginning when she wanted to throttle him) Hazel kind of wishes that they were in person, because that is just such a stupid and ridiculously sweet reaction that she can't help but want to throw her arms around him for it.]

I really wouldn't. All that forehead means you'd probably just hurt your hand, you know?

[unbreaker]

[Josuke, on the other hand, is glad they're not face-to-face, because Hazel doesn't need to see the way he's literally bristled over the course of this conversation. She just doesn't. He wouldn't live it down.]

ive flattened bigger and badder foreheads than his

[deadtective]

[that just means she'll have to do this again sometime when they're together, of course. it's only a temporary reprieve.]

He's pretty thick, though. It might just bounce right off.

[unbreaker]

[The sad part about this is, Josuke knows Tetsuo's tougher than he looks. He's less worried about his punch bouncing off the guy's head than he is getting thrown around like a rag doll again, though.]

thanks 4 the vote of confidence

[deadtective]

[hilariously this doesn't even occur to Hazel. she's so used to her weird position with Tetsuo that she forgets that kind of shit most of the time.]

Look, I'm just saying! Unless you're really determined to have me kiss it better, maybe you want to just let it happen.

[unbreaker]

[...]

you got me

[deadtective]

What?

[unbreaker]

come on that wasn't even in moon runes u cant tell me u dont understand

[deadtective]

[nnnnnno, she was on a roll! she can't let the momentum swing back like this!!

FIGHT BACK HAZEL QUICKLY]

Sorry, I didn't realize you were so desperate. I forgot how lonely it must get for aliens out there that you'd need to stoop so low!

[unbreaker]

were the exotic ones remember? we do just fine

ur the one who offered 2 kiss me in public

[deadtective]

I made no such offer, I was just pointing out how fucking thirsty you were for boring normal earth girls. Which is pretty sad, by the way.

[unbreaker]

i dont remember a time when u were ever boring or normal tho