maskormenace | Video;

[The first thing to come over the feed will be a too-close shot of a handmade sign before the wizard gets the right angle to show his face and the small park behind him in Nonah. He appears to be Unhappy.]

Right, okay, was I not legible enough, do you think? Should I have offered translations? I consider myself rather patient on the whole, but when some idiot - for the third time in two days - takes a clear warning and turns it into an invitation to create the sort of disaster which loses me my job, I get the feeling this blasted sign is doing more harm than good. So let's just make something clear, shall we?

This - [the video shifts for a moment to show a wooden trunk on legs, running full tilt behind him after a few terrified squirrels] - is not a pet! It is certainly not some sort of tame training dummy for empty-headed fighters to test their skills on. It is a monstrosity crafted of sapient pearwood, and when it feels its owner, who happens to be me, is being attacked, it eats people. No stern warnings, no shining letterheads or gentle taps on the shoulder, just death. Maybe missing fingers or a quick trampling, if they're lucky.

Am I making myself clear enough? Try to hurt me, this man right here, and my magical box will murder you, and I will watch.

[a pause.]

...Provided I have not already run away.

[Rincewind nods sharply, then takes off his sign and throws it in a trash can.]

There. I've officially done all I can do, I've said my piece, this is no longer my responsibility. [he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.] Honestly, I don't understand how it was so difficult to understand in the first place. You see a sign telling you not to do something - who then thinks 'Oh, well surely they don't mean that for me?' I swear, no matter where I find myself, it seems I'm always the only sane man arou -

[there's the loud crack of splintering wood and the sound of several screaming members of the rodent family. Rincewind (and the video) looks behind him to see that the Luggage has knocked down a large oak tree in its pursuit of the squirrels. His face drains of color.]

Oh bugger - !

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No. I'm a gem.

[it's certainly become a test of patience worth some sort of praise or reward - although going through this so often has taken its toll and robbed her of the ability to care enough to sound kind of offended at being mistaken for human.]

Then you need to get better at getting out of it, if you can't stop them.

Ah. Right. ...I've no idea what that is.

And your advice leaves a little something to be desired, you know.

My name is Lapis Lazuli.

[this is said with the finality of someone who has kind of given up on there being any potential for understanding even with a more in-depth explanation. let's just get these requisite introductions out of the way and move on with life.]

Like what?

Oh. They have those at the Nonah Geological Museum. [they uh. Don't look like you, though, Lapis.]

I'm Rincewind. And it could use specifics. Maybe less thinly-veiled insults. Just as a suggestion. But don't trouble yourself.

They're pretty similar.

[just not sentient or in possession of fantastical alien abilities. you know, almost completely identical.]

It's not really my problem, so I won't.

[and once again the sarcasm just shoots right over her tiny little head. she's feeling fairly good about being as helpful as she's been already.]

Fair enough.

Asking honestly, do your sorts of gems [you know, the sorts with legs] delight in eating or otherwise killing humans?

We don't need to eat.

[she looks almost a little affronted at the question, especially given the cuisine in question - why in the hell would anyone want to put a human that close to their mouths?]