Video;

[wizzardly]

[The first thing to come over the feed will be a too-close shot of a handmade sign before the wizard gets the right angle to show his face and the small park behind him in Nonah. He appears to be Unhappy.]

Right, okay, was I not legible enough, do you think? Should I have offered translations? I consider myself rather patient on the whole, but when some idiot - for the third time in two days - takes a clear warning and turns it into an invitation to create the sort of disaster which loses me my job, I get the feeling this blasted sign is doing more harm than good. So let's just make something clear, shall we?

This - [the video shifts for a moment to show a wooden trunk on legs, running full tilt behind him after a few terrified squirrels] - is not a pet! It is certainly not some sort of tame training dummy for empty-headed fighters to test their skills on. It is a monstrosity crafted of sapient pearwood, and when it feels its owner, who happens to be me, is being attacked, it eats people. No stern warnings, no shining letterheads or gentle taps on the shoulder, just death. Maybe missing fingers or a quick trampling, if they're lucky.

Am I making myself clear enough? Try to hurt me, this man right here, and my magical box will murder you, and I will watch.

[a pause.]

...Provided I have not already run away.

[Rincewind nods sharply, then takes off his sign and throws it in a trash can.]

There. I've officially done all I can do, I've said my piece, this is no longer my responsibility. [he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.] Honestly, I don't understand how it was so difficult to understand in the first place. You see a sign telling you not to do something - who then thinks 'Oh, well surely they don't mean that for me?' I swear, no matter where I find myself, it seems I'm always the only sane man arou -

[there's the loud crack of splintering wood and the sound of several screaming members of the rodent family. Rincewind (and the video) looks behind him to see that the Luggage has knocked down a large oak tree in its pursuit of the squirrels. His face drains of color.]

Oh bugger - !

Comments

video

[glitterateur]

Aw! Wow, it super wants those squirrels. ["This is not a pet" he says. Because clearly, it's a friend. The lengths that it will go to in order to keep Rincewind safe are inspiring.] You might need to make the sign bigger.

[wizzardly]

[oh you sweet crazy child.

Also, he might be a little winded when he responds.]

I get the feeling - that would only seem like an advertisement.

[a beat.]

...And I've run out of sequins.

Video

[112ounces]

[ that's the weirdest thing Carl has ever seen Jesus Christ

Carl rubs the bandage that wraps around his right eye. ]

Well, at least you said your peace?

[wizzardly]

I'm rather hoping that will be enough, yes. I shouldn't have had to make a post like this in the first place. ...Shame I can't televise it to all the non-imPorts as well, they're the ones I'm most concerned about.

[He frowns then, noticing the bandage. This boy is no one he's met before, but - ]

Did the Russians do that?

[Video;]

[rassera]

OI!

MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT IT IN JAPANESE!

[Kaneda he's not at the other end of a damn football field, you don't have to yell. And you're one of the few who refuses to learn English!

Still, that thing is pretty cool. He's never seen anything like it--now he's just imagining his bike having something like that. Like...teeth in the glove compartment or it murdering things when he's hurt.

Fuckin. Sweet.]

If it's not a pet why'd you call yourself its owner?

[wizzardly]

[Loud, Kaneda. Loud and unnecessary(!), and Rincewind is riled enough to yell right back at him.]

- WELL I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS, NOW DO I? [which, no, that's not obvious, but apparently that doesn't matter to the wizard. He gives an audible, aggravated huff.

Behind him, the tip of something conspicuously furry and bushy is hanging out of the Luggage's lid.]

And I don't know, what else would you rather I call myself? Its unfortunate target? Its master it hardly ever listens to? The poor bastard who has to run from most every disaster it creates?

'Owner' is rather more succinct.

voice;

[slightlyoffchilt]

That thing is less a piece of luggage, less a chest or a briefcase than it is an outright nutcase.

[Sapient Pearwood, he thinks. My god.]

[wizzardly]

Was that a pun? - Never mind. Look, in all honesty, you don't think I'm being too -

[he winces at a loud 'CHOMP' of wood behind him, refusing to turn around. Boy is he glad not to be a squirrel.]

- unreasonable here, right? I'm really not sure what more I can do beyond painting skulls on the sides of it.

Video

[thegriffinofdeath]

[Ana can't seem to decide if she's weirded out or impressed.]

That is...certainly an interesting construct. Is it a golem or some sort?

[Because that's what she is supposed to want to know here...]

Video

[wizzardly]

- What? A golem? Of course not. [surprised!] It's hardly made out of clay, is it?

It's Sapient Pearwood, as I said. Incredibly magical wood, basically. It only grows on places where enough concentrated magic has seeped into the ground.

audio;

[fourscores]

You have a box that kills people? Primitive. What a waste of a death.

audio;

[wizzardly]

...I'm not sure exactly how one wastes a death in the first place. You can die choking on bite of egg and cress sandwich, or simply tripping on a step, you know. Is that a waste, too?

video;

[oceanthief]

[Lapis considers the post and the luggage roving around behind in it - and, honestly, it reminds her an awful lot of gem shards. it'd certainly explain a lot, and that's why she applies reasoning that operates on the assumption everyone on earth is a clod-headed gem warrior.]

They probably think it's a challenge.

video;

[wizzardly]

That's exactly what they think it is. They can't leave well enough alone, have to go charging at whatever threatens their little egos, don't they, doesn't matter who gets swept up in the -

[oh wait]

- You're blue.

video;

[ursawhiner]

Maybe you should put knives on it. That worked for our Roomba.

[And it still vacuums wonderfully.]

video;

[wizzardly]

...

...Why in the world would I want to make it more lethal?

[protagerrant]

Hey, a mimic. Never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss them. Still haven't found any monsters around here.

[Yuri no.]

[wizzardly]

A what? ...This is the Luggage. Were you not listening?

And you're still the only person I've met crazy enough to go looking for those. Congratulations.

[dramaking]

It's no longer your responsibility? Does this mean the restriction is lifted?

[Sorry, Rincewind.]

[wizzardly]

[Shatterstar you are getting such a look.]

Do you always just pick out the pieces of things you want to hear? Is it like selective hearing?

voice

[rocksforbrains]

[Here's all Santo gets from this.]

...Can I fight your box? I wanna fight your box.

voice

[wizzardly]

No, no, I thought I made it rather clear that no one should be fighting my box! That was the whole point!

voice;

[sassguard]

Exactly how does it define you 'being attacked'? Because I can't say the squirrels look like much of a threat.

voice;

[wizzardly]

Oh, no, it just does that. Not necessarily with squirrels, mind you. It just enjoys chaos and destruction. Sort of like if an earthquake grew a mind of its own and decided to go for a stroll.

video;

[psychofailed]

[..........]

You have a box. That eats people.






[You know what, maybe he should take up drinking like Masaoka. Smoking doesn't have quite the same effect necessary to deal his life having gone balls to the wall insane.]

[wizzardly]

[and rodents, if the quick way its tongue slurps up a too-slow squirrel behind Rincewind is any indication. The wizard sighs.]

Yes. If you're looking to me to provide a sensible explanation for that, I don't know what to tell you.

video;

[textualhealing]

You know, I saw a movie once about a chick's box having teeth and eating guys... I can only assume this- [Vague hand waving towards the camera aka Rincewind.] -is all one big euphemism.

video;

[wizzardly]

[processing. processing.]

...There's a movie where a woman owns a Luggage?

[+++Out of Cheese Error. Redo From Start+++]

[flynnnotjunior]

Well, you won't get sued, if that's what you're saying.

Maybe you should teach it tricks? That's what the obedience schools do. I mean, with dogs... [ Which are normal. ]

[wizzardly]

There's a bit of a difference between an unruly mongrel and a man-eating chest, I'm afraid. Although it's an idea, I'll grant you.

[which is more than some are offering, so points to you, Flynn.]

But hold on, go back to that bit about being sued. What's that mean? - Is that something to do with the lawyers here? I've heard talk of that.

[video]

[protects_the_small]

.....Somehow going out for a drink with that thing tagging along doesn't seem as peaceful.


[That might have been A Joke. Or something]

[video]

[wizzardly]

I'm not going to say you're wrong - [because that would be a lie] - but it's not always a terrible nuisance.

[for a certain definition of "well-behaved"]

If it makes you feel any better, it does seem to have a soft spot for women in general. Or, er, a soft lining? Soft base? I'm not sure what the correct term for a chest would be.

voice

[rathercommon]

[ There's a cluck of disapproval, and: ]

Well, that's no good. This network doesn't reach everyone - just imPorts.

voice

[wizzardly]

I know the sign was your idea in the first place, but look, it's backfired terribly. I gave it a good go, I really did, so you can't say I didn't try. What more would you have me do?

[mightthinkthat]

Do you think we should hire you a lawyer?

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind cringes, and can't help but look as The Luggage's path brings it through a previously well-tended bed of daffodils. So much for Spring foliage.]

Damn, is that really going to be a concern? Someone else brought that up.

[pobrecisco]

...So you have a trunk that eats people. And you uh. Just let it run around freely?

[wizzardly]

Well it doesn't constantly eat people. You rather make is sound like one of those wossnames - vacuums. It's dangerous, obviously, but it's not without purpose.

[pixiestyx]

[Waaaait a second.]

Magical box? Like real magic? Or like, um, metaphorical magic?

[wizzardly]

...Metaphorical magic typically doesn't come on hundreds of pink little legs.

[Video]

[herstarlight]

...and if we do not wish to harm you? [Hi, again. Tauriel is eyeing that box skeptically.]

[Video]

[wizzardly]

I'm not going to say it won't be dangerous then, because dangerous is rather its default state, but it likely won't harm you.

[not least because the joinery seems to have an odd fondness for women.]

video

[ignitethestars]

... You have a tree that eats people? Why?

[How? Though this is not the strangest thing Anakin has seen.]

video

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind looks at Anakin. He looks behind him at the Luggage. He looks back. He squints.]

...Better question, why are you calling it a tree?

[resipiscent]

Looks like it's having fun. What happens if you engage it, rather than threatening you? Not that I'm... eager to find out first-hand or anything.

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind squints. Don't tell him you want to fight his Luggage too, Riku.]

Define engage.