Video;

[wizzardly]

[The first thing to come over the feed will be a too-close shot of a handmade sign before the wizard gets the right angle to show his face and the small park behind him in Nonah. He appears to be Unhappy.]

Right, okay, was I not legible enough, do you think? Should I have offered translations? I consider myself rather patient on the whole, but when some idiot - for the third time in two days - takes a clear warning and turns it into an invitation to create the sort of disaster which loses me my job, I get the feeling this blasted sign is doing more harm than good. So let's just make something clear, shall we?

This - [the video shifts for a moment to show a wooden trunk on legs, running full tilt behind him after a few terrified squirrels] - is not a pet! It is certainly not some sort of tame training dummy for empty-headed fighters to test their skills on. It is a monstrosity crafted of sapient pearwood, and when it feels its owner, who happens to be me, is being attacked, it eats people. No stern warnings, no shining letterheads or gentle taps on the shoulder, just death. Maybe missing fingers or a quick trampling, if they're lucky.

Am I making myself clear enough? Try to hurt me, this man right here, and my magical box will murder you, and I will watch.

[a pause.]

...Provided I have not already run away.

[Rincewind nods sharply, then takes off his sign and throws it in a trash can.]

There. I've officially done all I can do, I've said my piece, this is no longer my responsibility. [he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.] Honestly, I don't understand how it was so difficult to understand in the first place. You see a sign telling you not to do something - who then thinks 'Oh, well surely they don't mean that for me?' I swear, no matter where I find myself, it seems I'm always the only sane man arou -

[there's the loud crack of splintering wood and the sound of several screaming members of the rodent family. Rincewind (and the video) looks behind him to see that the Luggage has knocked down a large oak tree in its pursuit of the squirrels. His face drains of color.]

Oh bugger - !

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

Great. [Not great.] So you're in this unwilling codependent relationship with a homicidal, literal horror with no hope of an exit strategy.

Why did it bond with you?

[wizzardly]

That about sums it up, yes. [he thinks. He only vaguely remembers what 'codependent' means from his Psychiatry For Dummies book.]

It belonged to someone I knew at first. I accompanied them for several unfortunate events, but he gave the Luggage to me before he sailed back home, sort of as a parting gift. It's followed me ever since.

[slightlyoffchilt]

This individual who gave you the carnivorous monstrosity -- was he intending to do harm? Or was this meant to be more commentary on your tendency to -- well.

[Chilton had noted something particularly about Rincewind.]

You often find trouble thrust upon you.

[wizzardly]

Twoflower? Intend harm? Gods, you'd be more likely to find a - a carnivorous ladybug. No, he.... rather intended it as a gift. [there's an uncomfortable pause, and then he finally admits:] As thanks to a friend, you know.

[because he was that, at the end. Probably the only person on the Disc Rincewind could actually give the title to.]

Although it's good you noticed that on your own. I'd have warned you about that tendency of mine, but you've made it rather clear you aren't as bothered by danger as you should be.

[slightlyoffchilt]

His name is Twoflower.

[As someone who puts a decent amount of stock in names (Hannibal the Cannibal!!!), this was worth nothing aloud.]

Luckily for you, I have known at least three other individuals who share your unfortunate habit. Have you met Will Graham?

[wizzardly]

I assure you that was not even close to the strangest thing about him.

Oh, yes, the fisherman, isn't he? He helped me out of a rather tight spot with some of the Soviets at the Seminar. Good man.

[slightlyoffchilt]

That seems to be most everyone's opinion of him, yes.

[wizzardly]

[that's an odd way to phrase that. Rincewind pauses.]

...He has a habit of finding himself hounded by trouble as well, does he?

[slightlyoffchilt]

He and I are from the same world. So take it as fact when I say that serial murderers, plural, do find him appetizing.

[wizzardly]

I wondered about that, when you mentioned before that he knows where you live. You're close then?

[he startles.]

Serial - ? What the hell sort of world do you come from? - Why would a fisherman attract murderers in the first place?

[so many questions!]

[slightlyoffchilt]

I suppose because he understands them so well. You know, that breed of killer tends to be narcissistic. On average.

[wizzardly]

Your favorite sort, if I remember correctly. [sourly.] You realize you're only raising more questions.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Questions I don't intend to answer. You ought to ask him yourself.

[wizzardly]

You're the one dropping details like breadcrumbs, you know.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I took you for more murine than avian.

[wizzardly]

I'm only saying you brought your friend up in the first place, bit rude to then slam the topic shut on me.

[...]

And what does "murine" mean?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Of pertaining to mice. Or rats.

[Doctor Pretentious, at your psychiatric service.]

I meant it as a compliment.

[wizzardly]

...Oh yes, because people do so love rodents. I hear it all the time.

[Chilton he just got fired and his Luggage is demolishing a park, you are not improving his day.]

'That fellow, he's the best sort of rat to know,' people say, or, 'You're an absolute rat, darling'. Common as sunshine in spring, that.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Quite frankly, I would prefer a clever -- if murine -- survivalist over someone comfortable and uncontroversial.

Surely that would not surprise you.

[wizzardly]

[Hnh.]

...I suppose not. [much as he'd like to deny it, he does appreciate being praised for talents which went so often unappreciated.] As one survivalist to another.

[behind him, the Luggage struts contently back into view of the camera and settles at Rincewind's feet. The park has grown noticeably quieter.]

[slightlyoffchilt]

[A quiet peace inevitably shattered.]

Did your thing devour all the park?

[Unnatural creatures eating creatures unsettles him. How uncanny the resembles to someone he knows.]

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind glances down, and gets the distinct impression that the Luggage is smugly pleased with itself. (It also seems to be staring - without eyes - at the camera like it knows you're watching, Chilton.)]

...The area's squirrel population might be somewhat smaller now, I think.

[but as if to prove the chest's rampage wasn't wholly obliterating, there is a blip of birdsong.

Brief, nervous birdsong.]

[slightlyoffchilt]

[Chilton frowns in response, as Luggage was a concerning breed of beast. He decided that he did not like magic when it took the form of homicidal, previously innocuous objects.]

Better not let any city ordinance committee get on your case about that. I would hate to see squirrels considered endangered.

[wizzardly]

Oh, I'm not worried. If there's one thing rodents are good at it's reproducing. I'd be more concerned -

[oh, actually that reminds him of something he is concerned about.]

Here, you know some of the laws of these cities and such, right? Someone was telling me if the Luggage kills someone I could actually get in trouble for it, even if the bugger was attempting to hurt me first. Is that right?

[slightlyoffchilt]

That would be correct. I imagine that your... Luggage. [If that is its real name!!] Would constitute as a kept companion. A pet. As sentient as it may be, you are no doubt still considered its guardian.

You might want to find a decent lawyer to have on call. Miles Edgeworth is the only name that comes to mind.