006 | voice

[textualhealing]

I’m going to be honest with you here network, I’ve been avoiding you.

It’s not you, it’s me. I just needed some time apart from all the self-congratulating, needy social media bullcrap that this network breeds. I mean, it’s no Rumblr, but sometimes it comes a close second.

Pro tip: if it’s not about me I’m just not interested. [Hopefully that’s a joke, but there’s a big possibility it isn’t.]

But I’m here to extend the olive branch of apology for depriving you of my company for a long ass amount of time, and also remind you that the second season of my show finished airing not so long ago, so buy that shit when it’s on DVD so I can get your money. Or… a very small percentage of it.

[Best salesman ever.]

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

That is quite chivalrous of you, Jeff. How much do you think I can resell it for?

[textualhealing]

A lot, but I'm gonna make it so personalised that you won't be able to sell it, asshole.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm willing to take the risk. How personal can you get?

[textualhealing]

Maybe something along the lines of:

"Chilton

I know your dick size

Spoilers: it's tiny

Jeff Winger"

[slightlyoffchilt]

Hmm, try something with more accuracy. I doubt your usual audience would understand the irony.

[textualhealing]

There's nothing ironic about your tiny dick.

[slightlyoffchilt]

It is only mine if you're admitting than I own yours. And your genitalia condition is clinically called a micropenis, for the record.

I'm a doctor so this is absolutely true.

[textualhealing]

Dick jokes? Seriously? Way to be mature doctor. I thought you were above all that.

[slightlyoffchilt]

When has anyone you've known been above a dick joke?

[textualhealing]

You're supposed to be a professional!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Even with you?

[textualhealing]

I'm not actually sure what the right answer to that is... ... I feel like I'd regret it either way.

[slightlyoffchilt]

You fear commitment.

[textualhealing]

Am I gonna get a free psych session here?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Oh, Jeff. Nothing is free.

[textualhealing]

But Janet Jackson taught us that the best things in life are free. You can't be suggesting she lied to us all.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Janet Jackson is wealthier than you are. Easy thing for her to claim.

[textualhealing]

I dunno, man, I'm pretty loaded. And the richer you are, the more free crap you get. So free psych session, right?

[slightlyoffchilt]

I work by a different policy -- the wealthier you are, the more you can pay into the system. Blame the Democrats.

[textualhealing]

That doesn't sound like the America I know and love.

[slightlyoffchilt]

You're from where again? The west?

[Colorado: not West Coast, not Midwest, but purely and soundly West West.]

[textualhealing]

America.

[Look, he's not proud of Greendale, but it's home.]

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm going to assume Texas, then.

[That's an insult, given Chilton's Tidewater sensibilities.]

[textualhealing]

Do you honestly think I seem Texan to you?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Easily from Austin. The uncomfortably liberal part.