maskormenace | audio;

Entry tags:

audio;

[you can hear the ambient noise of a restaurant in the background.]

Well! Now that I've figured out how this device works, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Hans, Prince of the Southern Isles and fellow imPort. I've met some of you at the party-oh, let me just swap this to the video for a moment.

[And then, he fiddles for a moment and manages to turn the video on: Hans is sitting in what looks like a restaurant-decidedly not the Hard Rock Cafe (though the eagle-eyed viewer can catch the edges of the Hard Rock Cafe logo on his black work polo. He's broadcasting this from his lunch break.]

Is it working? It should be working. [He shrugs, waves at the camera, then clicks it back off, swapping to audio.]

Anyway, it's become more and more obvious to me that I know next to nothing about this land. So, I'd appreciate any knowledge about customs and traditions of America. I already know about your president, thanks to Nelson, but what about your courts, your military strength, what it takes to get married, things like that?

[why yes he deliberately picked that last topic, sorry not sorry Anna.]

Any information would be appreciated!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's occurred to me that you ought to familiarize yourself with our health system. You might find yourself in need of it shortly.

[oh lord, this isn't gonna end up well.]

And why do you say that?

I'm informed that food-borne illness is common among the finery found at the Hard Rock Cafe.

[Tee hee, he thinks.]

[GODDAMMIT CHILTON, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO NOTICE THAT.

Deep breaths, Hans.

Deeeeeeep breaths.]

I don't know where you'd get that idea!

[It's all he can do, to swallow the incoming chortle.]

Rumor has it that the serving staff isn't the most clean. I'd be careful, if I were you.

Spoken like someone who's never come to visit. I don't know about the Hard Rock Cafes in your world, but this one is perfectly clean.

[yes, come to the Hard Rock Cafe so Hans can spit in your food, Chilton.]

I still plan on coming. [WOW, HANS!] Though if you wanted my company, you needn't be so coy about it.

I'd love your company. After all, I know that I had a great time with you at the party. [aka showing you up.]

I'm sure I was the highlight of your evening. You know what they say about the first dance.

["They" don't saying anything about it, but Chilton is banking on Hans feeling too overwhelmed by the cultural immersion to call the bluff.]

It's so meaningful.

[yeah he isn't calling the bluff because he doesn't want to seem like an idiot either way.]

Then it was an honor to share that meaningful moment with you.

[there is the teeenisest bit of sarcasm creeping into his voice there.]

But really, I hope you don't think I'm rude, but you could use a few lessons. [THERE'S that virus-afflicted blutness we all know and love.]

What? [Says Chilton, totally outraged, even though his needing a few lessons was putting it politely.] I highly doubt the necessity of such a thing, given that I don't make a habit of fairytale balls.

[FAIRYTALE BALLS!!]

What does it matter?

It's simply that I'm sure that people expect a...man such as yourself to be better at things like dancing. [there's just enough pause before 'man' to give off the impression that Hans was searching for the right word and totally gave up.]

A... Man such as myself?

[Against better judgement, he's pursuing that line.]

I'm sure I'm recognized as more than merely a man.

I was only trying to think of the right phrase.

So you settled for the generic?

[Even if there wasn't insult intended, the man would find some insult buried.]

It seemed to be the safest.

[he is banking on you finding insult in that, Chilton.]

I thought a man of your upbringing would enjoy a risk or two.

[Time for some arched eyebrow in his voice. He clears his throat.]

But, I suppose, there isn't much shame in playing it safe.

I know the time and places to take risks. [and in public where everybody can see is NOT one of them.]

Ah, good. I'm pleased you can lay claim to knowing something.

Oh, I know plenty of things! It's simply that...well, you don't talk politics with a practical stranger.

Surely I'm not so strange to you now? We live together. You've danced in my proximity.

[WITH HIM!!! is the precision that he doesn't say.]

[yeah, Hans is picking up on that precision.]

I've danced with many people, Chilton.

[just wait until Chilton learns the 'engaged after four hours' bit so he can call Hans out on his bullshit.]

[Oh boy.]

And how many of those people upped your blood pressure?

Well, the horrible dancers certainly did! [said with an easygoing sort of laugh.]

Then -- dare I say? Mission accomplished.

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